How would you feel if someone told you you are not needed

[Amyrhaf]

How would you feel if your sister-in-law told you outright, “you are not needed here” that my DH “has a mother, has a sister, there is no need for you here at all” my DH and I have been together since I was 18, now 33, 2 DC. I have since blocked her on all SM and keeping a huge distance from her, but really, who would accept being spoken to like that?

That’s really odd behaviour. Is she married? Seems really weird that she would think his wife is not as important as them.

It would make me feel a bit shit but, she doesn’t sound particularly normal, so I’d try not to let it impact you too much.

That doesn’t mean it’s not a nice thing for her to have said or that you have to put up with it. What I mean is she is behaving oddly, you aren’t, so don’t let her get to you.

You’ve done the right thing to block. And if your MIL persists then simply say she told me I wasn’t needed therefore I’m being not needed.

Hopefully your DH is supportive. If she apologises sincerely then I’d try and move forward but I wouldn’t go above and beyond keeping things civil

i feel the same, if my son ever had a wife, who my DD dpoke unkindly towards I would 100% pull my DD up on it snd tell her to behave! DH is not speaking to his sister after this, not through me prompting mind! I told him i simply cant have anything to do with her anymore, annd he said I dont blame you.

So she is essentially gaslighting you, and flipping it. No, they were insensitive, and rude. They're controlling of your dh; he's a grown man fgs. What does he think of it all?

Imagine having the sort of personality where you're jealous of the help your brother is giving to someone who's lost a child.

What your MIL says doesn't make sense anyway - how are you to stop your SIL feeling lonely when she's just told you she can do without you?

I have said that I am open to an adult conversation at any time to see if i had misunderstood anything or taken it the wrong way and we could move on, but nothing at all, which makes me think she 100% did mean it.

Shes not married, has never left home despite being 50 x

Honestly op, I think you're bang on with this. It sounds like SIL hasn't moved on from the old family dynamic.

It's hard to misunderstand "You are not needed here"!

Omg! This sounds like my SIL! EXACTLY like! Sounds like the exact family dynamics as well, sit and talk about people!

I would just right it off as her being jealous because her brother has moved on in life and has other important family members were as she just has her parents/brother. Your MILs attitude of being overly defensive is probably why her daughter has failed to get on in life.

@Amyrhaf your SIL is trying to stir up trouble and create a problem where there isn't one.

The fact is that your husband has done a good thing in being there for his friends during a very tough time. SIL having a problem with that just makes her look very bad.

I would ask questions. Ask SIL why your husband helping them out is a problem? What does it matter to her if he is spending a lot of time at the friends house?

These 2 women are trying to create drama where none exists. They will try to make trouble in your marriage. Don't let them. Ask them questions to try to get the the root of their comments (they won't be able to answer the questions with a sensible answer). Or just try to ignore them.

The more info you’ve posted the more it just feels like she doesn’t have much emotional maturity. And that her parents have pandered to her a lot.

You’ve been an adult about the situation and I don’t think there’s much more to do. It’s up to her now. Good your DH is supportive.

I have nothing against two/three generations of family members living together, and understand it is the norm in some cultures. It wouldn't be for me at all, and would drive me insane but each to their own. However, in situations like these, it is such an unhealthy dynamic. The SIL needs to get her own life, she sounds like a petulant child.

Forgot to mention as well that we have a 3 generational family in a house down the road. All they do is argue, and we hear it down the street. The lazy adult children are like overgrown kids, and the grandchildren are like the children of the grandparents (who do everything). The adult mother of the kids has different boyfriends, PDA outside the front door, and behaves like a teenager. It is all dysfunctional.

Any adult who has failed to leave home by their 50s is likely to be stuck in their childhood dynamic. She will have no understanding of how once you are in a serious relationship, that person and their views are likely to be of higher priority than hers or her parents. She is an adult child in essence.

That is hurtful. Of course it is your business as much as anyone else in the family. However, and I say this tentatively, were you trying too hard, maybe taking over a bit too much? People are sensitive about such things which can make them insensitive in remarks. Back off a bit and just be available if needed. What does your husband say?

Thank you for your other point of view. I have only ever helped when asked and have done so without fuss x husband is not speaking to his sister since, it is a shame, but it was not called for x

Interesting! I have just been thinking about that relationship. It was my aunt and her daughter (my cousin). My cousin has an older brother who was the centre of his mothers attention when we were children. Son was the 'apple of her eye'. Basically, my aunt preferred boys. So my cousin spent her life seeking her mothers approval. Always 'telling tales' on her brother. Her brother grew up to have a very successful career that his parents and sister felt threatened by (it would involve meeting people they couldn't cope with meeting and would feel intimidated by).

So mum and daughter were left together to bond over this, and every other person who had ever 'wronged' them in any way or who they could find fault with or create drama for by making stupid comments. Both just very bitter.

Oh gosh this is what I was going to say! Not my usual sort of speak but under these circumstances a reply like that should shut her and the mother up!

Below the belt? Yes, Stooping to her level? Yes, Called for? Absolutely 😂

I would say that she is jealous. She's an old spinster and wants what you have. She's left it too late for a family and with her snippy speak, she won't get a husband now either!

Hold your head up, OP, ignore her and move on. Love that your DH is with you on this too.

This is the crux of it. She is bitter and jealous. The jealousy is blatantly obvious. Has she ever had a significant romantic relationship (or even a casual one)? Has she suffered a heartbreak she can’t move on from?

So the SIL is moaning that your kind-hearted DH is being there for your/his friends and then says he is there too much, you (rightly) stick up for him and she has a pop at you and she is backed up by her Mum.

It is them, not you - they can do one. They need to get their own life. Don’t be made to feel this is on you or that you are insensitive. SIL needs to kee her nose out and/or keep her rude opinions to herself. Isn’t remotely her business AND she started it 🤬

Oh well I'm glad you said it because I was thinking 'So who's going to be sucking his cock then MIL? You or your daughter?'. The pair of them jolly well deserve to have something like that said to them!

And what did your DH say? Surely he's supporting you?