Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

My thinking on his reaction is, that taking time, having counselling, discussing it thoroughly in advance, and your son as a baby/v young 'un was one thing, but the reality is now quite different as he gets older (maybe it somehow reinforces he's 'not his' (although of course he should be viewing him this way)) as he grows, and these feelings couldn't be predicted, least of all by him. It was theoretically OK, but in reality, he can't hack it.

Sorry, not necessarily useful but that seems to be the crux of it. Whether it's due to his growing up into a lovely little boy that's highlighting various 'manly' features he's lacking eg he should have the right virility, strong sperm, you know, but he doesn't.

Fucking men man!!!!! They are all the same. Selfish stupid tantrum throwing dickheads. I swear every day you can read something on here that makes yesterday's prize knobhead look like the pope. Fucks sake. Get rid of him.

What an awful situation. I am sure your hubby never knew he would feel this way. But you are here & he does 😥. The question is; is it permanent and terminal or can it be possibly worked at like pnd??

Only you know OP. What does instinct tell you?

I could always tell my own father didn't really want me, as soon as I was old enough really. But it was not till adulthood where I could really put my finger on it. He turned up when it was expected; had me at weekends when my parents split. But something was amiss...he showed up, but there was no particular enthusiasm or light in his eyes. I asked him once. He told me my mum wanted kids, so they did. If it was his choice alone he wouldn't have. I told him how I felt...it didn't improve. I said I didn't see the point anymore & think we would draw a line under it after a while. I haven't heard from him in over 6 years.

Do I think my dad's a terrible person? Not at all. I just think his capacity as a father and in love is limited. And that he doesn't love me. And it is what it is. What I can tell you is I have always felt it. Even as a child...even though I could not explain it as I am now. And it did affect me...that there something about me wasn't enough for my daddy...I knew he was disinterested. When I stopped seeing him 6 years ago; I felt relief that we could stop pretending.

You will know if he can get past this or not. If he can't even with time and counselling...you know what you need to do. Disinterest and disengagement is a form of neglect and it it does cause harm. Good luck OP 🍀🤞

Your son is a constant reminder to your husband that he’s infertile. It happens with adoptive parents too. It’s very difficult to manage for some people. Your husband need to grow up and take his responsibilities seriously instead of sulking because the child isn’t his biological son. He still his son and the child appears to love him - at least for now.

Unfortunately, it isn't hubby's son. Yes you are the biological mother but he is not the father and no matter how much calling him dad etc is going to change to situation. You both need to sit and talk and if you both cannot resolve this the. There is only one way forward.

Remember, you both made the decision to have a sperm donor but who wanted it more, was he pushed into it to make you happy, how would you feel if you had gone down the surrogate route and he was bonding with his bio child whilst you weren't

That is an excellent post.

I doubt very much indeed that your husband hates your son, op, he is just finding parenting difficult and cannot find the right words.

You of all people should understand the desire for a biological child because you opted for this. So did he but nobody knows how they will feel before the event. They just hope for the best.

Give him time, ask him to at least be kind. Things might change but if they don't, I fear it is the parting of the ways.

I feel more sorry for your son than for you. I hope threads like these are a warning for anyone considering donors or surrogacy. Life isn't all about 'me' wanting a child and nobody has a right to one.

Wow so sorry OP really feel for you. I can understand stand your DH’s feelings but like you can’t condone his behaviour. I was wondering if he didn’t have a great relationship with his own father & this is why he’s becomes withdrawn & distant that maybe after the novelty of a cute little baby this is his parenting style & attachment style. Which is hugely disappointing & a concern obvs. But that he openly is saying he “hates” your DS & that you went down this route is heartbreaking. I wouldn’t be able to carry on as a family unit if this is how he’s going to treat your DS. I’d be saying he either through professional help resolves this or you have no option but to protect your DS from with holding parenting & open disregard. So sorry.

Maybe it's not your son he hates, but the fact that he could not give you a baby. He needs to speak to a counsellor about his feelings. After all, if he can't father a child physically, then he'll be in the same position with anyone else.

Oh my goodness I've just joined MN and then seeing this post I can empathise so much. My husband and I adopted 2 children. Went to adoption prep classes, thought we were in it together. It's been an awful experience because of their early life trauma which I thought I was prepared for but then realising my husband didn't have great upbringing either. Anyway he said something similar that he'd never wanted to do it, thought I'd leave him if he didn't say yes, gave up trying to parent them after the first 6 months, helps with feeding and driving them places, pays for stuff but says he doesn't love them, clearly doesn't even like them and it shows. Of course it shows. I tried going it alone but then they ganged up on me and I couldn't manage them on my own and social care didn't help so allowed him back. It has improved a little but he is still withdraws. I'm effectively doing all the therapeutic parenting by myself and wondering if I'm damaging them by allowing him around them. So I don't have an answer but I do understand how this feels. I'm your case it may be a phase which he will come out of I hope. Therapy would I'm sure help if he were willing for it. Not blaming him, hard as that is, would be best in the meantime and showing understanding for his feelings even if it sticks in your throat has helped me somewhat.

Don't take any decisions in the moment of heat. You know your husband better than anyone here. He took your happiness into consideration when he decided to agree with it, so give him time he will hopefully accept.

He was good father as you said, focus on what triggered instand change of heart and try to resolve it.
Having a kid can be overwhelming at the best of times, even harder to accept when he can't have his own.

Fellow adopter here though my two are now adults. It can be tougher to parent non bio children than people imagine. Goodness knows how surrogacy is going to pan out.

I've seen this happen quite often with men and their biological children. It's got nothing to do with who's genetics he shares. The novelty has worn off or he finds it harder to entertain/bond with a toddler. Maybe having a child wasn't all flowers and sunshine like he thought it would be.

Thank goodness that is not (yet) legal in this country (which doesn't stop people doing it, there are ways and means).

Yes it is legal in the UK.

Don't be ridiculous, you can't ignore the circumstances in this scenario based around some lazy men you have encountered

Restricted in the UK but nothing to stop people going overseas and bringing babies back with them. There were proposals to make surrogacy easier but these have been dropped.

How are things, @ClawFriend ?

Your are right. I found this:

"Yes, surrogacy is legal in the UK but surrogacy agreements are not legally enforceable. At birth, the surrogate is the child's legal parent, and the intended parents must apply to the court for a parental order after the child is born to become the legal parents. Commercial surrogacy is illegal, but altruistic surrogacy, where the surrogate is only reimbursed for reasonable expenses, is permitted. "

I am surprised, frankly, and disappointed.

I don't think he does hate your son, if he did he wouldn't be making plans to take him to the zoo. He probably finds the whole dad thing overwhelming and is very aware that he isn't the bio father so latches on to that.

The whole idea of donor sperms - and surrogacy - is so alien to me, I cannot understand why anyone does it.

I hope threads like this are a warning to people who are considering such extreme measures. Nobody has the right to have a child, some people can't, that's life. They find something else which is fulfilling.

It sounds like you husband has been doing a "fake it till you make it" and trying to bond with your lo and doing all of the things he knows he "should" do, but not really feeling it.

I find this so heartbreakingly sad.

I think your husband needs counselling, but in the meantime I think you should discuss separation to prevent your little boy picking up on any rejection.

Is there a specific place where he could do counselling in relation to using a sperm donor once the baby is born? I know you both did this pre donation but a specialist after could help frame his mindset.

I am going to be honest...I am really struggling to understand where your husband is coming from. I can't imagine having a baby love and depend on me and not developing that love and bond back just because they are not biologically mine, but he feels how he feels and the most important persons feelings in this are your son's and if dh wont, or can't work through his feelings, he needs to not be around before his behaviour affects your son

OP I would also suggest some reflection on your part here too, if i am honest.

I am in no way excusing his behaviour, but generally speaking, I find that it is rare that relationship difficulties are due to one being 100% right and the other being 100% wrong. And, should you genuinely want to work on improving things I think you might have to be open to that prospect.

Playing devil’s advocate, was your DH a good partner before you had DS? Did he do his fair share of the household chores and admin, was he supportive of you etc?

If he was, I think that is worth considering/exploring why that has changed. In my experience, people rarely do a 180 change in attitude and behaviour for no reason at all. If he has, then I think that points to something going on for him personally or within your relationship- to be clear, I am not excusing his behaviour at all, but there may be a reason beyond “he’s just not a caring partner”. And that may help you to understand and eventually move past what has happened. if it is due to an issue between them, it may also point to a way to fix the issues they have.

If he has never taken on his share of the work or been a supportive partner, I am left wondering why you would expect him to change? You have set yourself, and your relationship, up for failure by choosing to marrying and having a child with a man whose attitude and behaviour you find unacceptable. Or perhaps you knew the relationship was not what you needed but hoped he would change? If so, that is also a recipe for disaster. I am not excusing his behaviour, but if you knew this was an issue, I think you have to take your share of the “blame” for the situation you are facing.

I have a good friend who is quite strident and a stong character, who definitely likes things “just so” and to be in control. There are reasons for it, and she is lovely- I am not criticising her for these traits. They have made her very successful in her career, if nothing else, and they are part of who she is. Anyway, she married a man who is much more laid back and is largely happy to cede a degree of control/go along with her needs. He’s not a saint for doing this, I suspect the situation suits him too. They have had some issues more recently where she feels she carries too much of the load, especially when it comes to decision making/logistics and carrying out certain tasks. But, at the same time, complains bitterly when he does things but not in the way she would prefer (even if outcome is fine/reasonable/the same as doing it her way would have achieved). When he occasionally does put his foot down and insist on something, she almost invariably absolutely hates it (with a few notable exceptions). When they had their first DC, she was very much “my way is the only way” and very much took charge- pretty much as you would expect given her character and past behaviour - but she was also quite anxious in a lot of ways and overwhelmed herself trying to be “perfect”. She often felt her DH was not stepping up to help her enough or in the way she wanted/needed (e.g. needing prompted when she wanted him just to do things) and I would agree he could have done more when she was finding things so hard.

However, he was also behaving exactly as he always had, and she was behaving as she always had. And, his experience of her is that she does not like or appreciate it when he does things without her input/on his own initiative/in a way she does not approve of- so I think he became a bit paralysed in not wanting to do anything for fear of upsetting her/getting it wrong at a time when she felt he should have been able to just get on with things. Additionally, she had (unintentionally and unwittingly) totally undermined his confidence in being a dad by constantly criticising and nit-picking (in my view borne of being anxious about wanting to get things right/her need to be more in control). He should have addressed this, and didn’t. My friend only saw her side of things, and was very resistant to the idea that she was contributing to their problems when we discussed it. However, when their marriage very nearly fell apart and they went counselling she was able to see that she was also part of the issue and that their relationship dynamic had not really changed, but the situation had and so they needed to make changes if they wanted it to work. Her DH also had to acknowledge his role in their problems. They have both worked on matters and I think they are both better off for it.

This might in no way apply to you and your relationship but I guess I’m wondering if the problems in your relationship are just an extension of your longstanding dynamic or whether there has been a sudden change. This might help you decide what to do. Nonetheless, i think you have to decide to whether there is something worth salvaging- and if so work on it with your DH- or not. And if not, then for everyone’s sake then you need to end your marriage and try to be effective co-parents.