Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

He is refusing to seek any sort of help or therapy and continues to say that he hates his son. That would be relationship ending for most women. Protecting her child should be OP's priority, no matter how sorry she feels for her DH.

The issues that some women have bonding with their babies are normally due to some sort of postnatal anxiety, depression or even psychosis for which medical treatment and therapy will be offered.

If he agreed to speak to his GP and engage with any help/support that was offered, I would agree that the relationships with his son and his wife could possibly be saved. If he continues to refuse to access help and support services, OP should end the relationship to protect her son.

What a mess. You obviously can't longterm continue like this. Yes he is 2 and right now won't notice . But he will do within a matter of years. This will have a big impact on your child's mental health and wellbeing.

Better to act now whist he is young. The impact of your dh leaving will be much worse when you dc is older.
You can't have a man raise him when he says things like he hates him.
I do feel for your dh that he can't get past not being his bio dad. But that being said people are adopted daily and loved unconditionally.

Jesus God. Tell your husband to fuck off if he can't behave like a Dad. Seriously, get him out. No sympathy for acting like a clown. You do not have anyone so hateful, around your children. Don't underestimate the danger of this unresolved situation.

My dad was quite a bit older than my mum (13 years), and very Victorian in his attitudes. He told my mum that if they had children, he wanted them very much brought up with him as the head of the household, the children would be seen and not heard, punished regularly (yep…) and kept out of his way. Mum said she didn’t agree with that and he said in that case he wanted nothing to do with them. Mum thought he change his mind when we were born and guess what? He didn’t. My brother and I spent our lives being ignored at best, shouted at and punished at worst by our dad who clearly wanted nothing to do with us. I spent years in therapy trying to come to terms with it, my brother is a mess (we are both in our 50’s now) and never made anything of his life. I often used to fantasise about mum leaving dad and bringing us up on her own. Back then it was unthinkable (and they were both Christians - ha!) so of course she stayed. I still wish she hadn’t. When my dad died in 2007 my brother didn’t shed a tear. I was sad not because he’d died but about everything we’d both missed out on having not had a good father. Please don’t inflict this on your son. If your DH really feels the way he says and can’t get past it, please think very carefully about your future together. Wishing all the best with this very difficult situation and sending 🌺

My ex. Note, ex. Used to tell me he wished our autistic kid was non verbal so he didn’t have to deal with meltdowns.
Please get away from that “man” your little boy deserves the world, not an angry man coexisting in your house.

I agree with this. Maybe now he's a toddler it's more obvious that he's not biological his child?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pea-that-was-Me-Egg-Donation/dp/1478149418?pd_rd_w=8gYrm&content-id=amzn1.sym.9cdba5c0-fee0-4f2e-ac12-d29dccd037ae&pf_rd_p=9cdba5c0-fee0-4f2e-ac12-d29dccd037ae&pf_rd_r=05VPJ47QF6QTKG4SSECT&pd_rd_wg=XTuyD&pd_rd_r=a5671613-2522-429a-ae41-297224201241&pd_rd_i=1478149418&psc=1&ref_=pd_basp_m_rpt_ba_s_1_pr_sc @OakleyAnnie was it this? It comes in different versions for the correct situation. We've used it since DD was tiny.

Yes maybe. This looks a lovely book.
Hope does you DD respond?

It's all completely normal to her.

We have a similar situation in our family. Son-in-Law refused to go the donor sperm route as he knew he would feel like this - he didn't really want any more children, having had two from his previous marriage. DH and I feel he got strong-armed into agreeing to adopt. It didn't turn out well. He tried, but he never really wanted the children, was harsh and impatient with them and glad to see the back of them once they were old enough to leave home. His partner, my SD, having pushed for this, didn't insist he got help with his feelings. She tried to pretend there wasn't an issue as she wanted the marriage to last. Both DDs have issues as adults - not surprising really.

I feel for you, OP. See if your DH will have counselling. I suspect he had no idea he would feel like this, though he may not have been as willing as he first seemed with having a donor. If he can be counselled into being a good dad - or, if he prefers to think this way, a good stepdad. He may feel better about it if he thinks of your DS in this way - then it might work out. If not, I don't see how the relationship can last. Your DS has to have priority.

I hope it works out for you.

He is voicing his feelings - how many men would just say nothing and the wife would be none the wiser?

In adoption it can be hard for some parents to bond with the little strangers who come into our lives (I'm an adopter) and the general advice is to "fake it til you make it". Most people seem to get there.

Of course, in adoption the lack of biological connection is openly acknowledged and neither parent is a bio parent, so both are equal.

Assisted fertility treatments like sperm or egg donation are a solution that come with all sorts of potential problems and imo these are pretty much swept under the carpet pre conception. No one really knows how they will cope.

I remember my sw telling me about a baby she placed for adoption, the prospective adopter took him in her arms, burst into tears and handed him back saying "this isn't my baby".

Imo both parents have created this sorry situation through use of tinkering with fertility options - it is what it is now and at least cards are on the table.

The child isn't biologically his and maybe he can never come to terms with that. Maybe he can.

But let's not pretend that using donor dna is a trifling issue.

This, all of it.

Did you both agree to it or did you push, push, push. Sadly you're done, if he can't form a bond then it's over in his mind and it's something he will not get back, to him, it's another man's child and if it was adoption he may have been totally different but with a sperm donor he was always totally out of the equation.

Rude. What part of "we both agreed" are you willfully misunderstanding?

In my experience "we both agreed" can do quite a lot of lifting - people often go along with things to please their partners. I agreed to go to Turkey on honeymoon because my partner was so keen, and I thought it would be fun, underestimating my ability to cope with the heat. I vowed never again, but my point is, I agreed without knowing what it would be like, and i wanted to give my partner something he really wanted.

You need to leave him. Your child's self esteem, happiness, ability to understand emotions, sense of self, sense of worth are all at stake. You will ruin his life if you stay with this man.

Stop suggesting groups and counselling. He has shown you who he is. Listen. He said he wouldn't do it.

Your child deserves so much more.

Well quite, but surely the rest of OP's opening post explains exactly when things changed.

I agree with the other posters who talked about him needing counselling. What he really needs to understand is that any d@$khead can be a sperm donor, being a dad is what’s really important. It sounds like he’s doing that now despite his internal feelings. Because of this, I don’t think it’s an irretrievable situation. Parenting a 2yo is really tough so exhaustion could be triggering resentment but It could be a biological response too. Science makes sure babies look like their male parent so they don’t reject them so him feeling this way, despite early counselling, is not to be wholly unexpected. I went through a few months when my youngest daughter was born when I felt I didn’t like my older DD. It passed. I think it was just natures way of making me prioritise the more vulnerable child. As long as your DS is unaware I think you can support your DH through this period but as soon as he becomes aware, or if your DH refuses to commit to getting some help then I think you know what you have to do. Good luck OP

This is a bit extreme.

The father needs counselling / therapy to address his issues. The change is sudden. He took care of the child when he was a baby. It suggests that something is going on with him now.

If he refuses and won't discuss things or get help, and things are unlikely to change, then OP should consider splitting for her child's sake. Even then, you can't just remove someone from the birth certificate and the father should still pay CMS even if he doesn't see the child or the child isn't biologically his. He still agreed to be his father and still has responsibilities.

The child won't just 'forget' their dad. They will grow up wondering what happened to them as it is unlikely the OP can just erase a part of her life. They will still have acquaintances in common who will mention him, family photos etc. It is better to try and address the issue first before splitting up as a split doesn't result in erasure, no matter how well meaning it is.

OP, DH and I went to a "talking and telling" workshop with DCN when DD was 5 or 6 and there were about a dozen couples there. We were part of a small minority who'd already talked to their child and were were the only ones who'd been open with friends, family and colleagues (in DH's case because some colleagues were really supportive and in mine to shut up some nosey ones!) So your situation is really not that unusual among donor conceived families.

What’s an awful situation! Your DH needs counselling. I really hope he is prepared to go down that road as this will certainly affect relationships between yourself your DS and your DH moving forward. I wish you all the best.

I would be leaving him at once. I could not look at him in the face. A man who hates his own child (yes, his child) would be a point of no return for me.
Poor child. And poor you. Get rid.

Yet a woman going through pnd must be given
all the grace and care in the world. This man is clearly struggling and what he is feeling needs to be acknowledged. Maybe family therapy is needed before making huge decisions op.

In an ideal world a person who is suffering with their mental health should be allowed some grace. The tricky thing is here we have a 2 year old who is also suffering.

I'm not fan of the knee jerk LTB but in the long run if he isn't open to any sort of counselling then you need to do what's best for the child.

It might be worth getting some advice from somewhere like the Anna Freud centre. I believe they specialise in parent-child bonding therapy.

www.annafreud.org/resources/under-fives-wellbeing/

I wouldn't go nuclear and divorce for one difficult argument. Not yet anyway.

If DH will get his own counselling and some father-chind bond therapy sessions, you could all be in a much happier place soon. Some biological mothers have awful PND and don't love their child for months. Bonding is not an easy thing when you didn't have a warm relationship with your own parents and when fertility issues have marred the route to become a parent.

All the best to your family, OP. Good luck.