Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

Your relationship is over really. Unless he is prepared to get some serious counselling there is no living with someone who hates your child. :(

There is no coming back from this one. You need to prioritise and protect your DS.

Your DH needs therapy to attempt to save all this. If he can’t overcome this then you will have to split up.

He may have done it to please you. I knew a guy whose parents adopted him when they couldn’t have children. The Dad never really wanted him but did it to please the wife. The guy worked it out for himself. As an adult the Dad didn’t want him around either.

I’m adopted.

My parents loved me as much as their birth siblings. It’s not who fathered that counts, it’s who raises.

I’d leave

Would DH be able to talk to you more constructively when he is calmer? Or would he speak to a therapist/someone else?

I suspect he does not hate/resent your son, but more the changes that it has meant to your (both of your) lives and it would be helpful for him to be able to communicate this in a non-judgemental environment. Many parents go through phases of feeling like this, and it really doesn't mean your marriage is over. I struggled with my own DS at a similar age but persevered and we now have a very strong bond (he is 21 now).

That would be a point of no return for me. That’s cruel. I’d make a total and clean break to protect my child: ask DH to leave, remove him from the birth certificate, change child’s name to yours, and then raise your son to believe he was chosen, loved and deeply wanted by you, with the right to contact his bio father when he wants. Do this while he’s young enough to forget your DH ever existed. Don’t let him grow up feeling like he’s unwanted - ‘hated’ - or that he’s done something wrong just because he exists. It will ruin his life, and he doesn’t deserve that. You have to make sure he’s ok.

He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake

it's no longer about you, it's about your child.
He cannot leave in a toxic house like that, it's not fair he can hear this, how damaging and hurtful is it.

No child should be feeling unwelcome, resented and a nuisance in their own home.

I can see how in the desperation to have a child you could agree to using a donor but as time goes on really struggle with knowing the child is not biologically yours, yet knowing your partner doesn't have the same issue. Seeing physical features and personality trails that have passed down is a lovely part of bringing up a child and he doesn't have that. Resentment is huge with a new baby anyway so that adds a very complex layer.. it can be very difficult to deal with a toddler as they change and get the 'big emotions', then he has the extra issue of it not being biologically his on top of that. People say all sorts of things in the heat of the moment, he probably doesn't hate your child but other aspects of the situation, it might need unravelling. Did he have therapy to come to terms with everything?

Assuming he’s not an asshole, and that this was said out of pain rather than a cold, conscious rejection, he needs therapy to resolve his feelings with no further damage being caused to your little boy.

I know several families where there have been significant glitches, but they’ve all been happily resolved — because the parents in question were committed to the child and determined to resolve things. A friend had had terrible PND and struggled to bond with her third child for years. Another friend in a lesbian couple struggled because she’d been the one who wanted to carry their child but had a stillbirth, so it was very hard for her when it needed to be her wife who carried their daughter. Other friends with twins had fallen into the habit when the twins were babies of taking one twin each, which meant that they needed to consciously work on bonding with the other baby once they’d realised it had got very unbalanced. Another family had to deal with their children taking completely different attitudes to the family member who provided them with a donor egg.

What I’m saying is that it’s worth trying to resolve this. IF he’s still committed to your family.

He needs to go to therapy to explore exactly what the issue is. Is it because he isn't biologically his or because of the change in lifestyle from having a child? If it's the former then that's your relationship over as you can't bring your son up with an adult who is meant to be his parent hating him. If it's the latter then he can work through it with a therapist. Toddlers are hard work however many men who aren't biologically the father go on to parent and love a child as if they were their own.

He’s obviously dealing with some deep struggles.

You need to make it clear to him that you want to understand and help him through these struggles and that they are perfectly understandable given the circumstances.

I would look into therapy or charities that deal with these issues.

This is pretty much a deal breaker isn't it? The only way its salveagable is if he comes back, apologies, and seeks therapy to help him shift his thinking.

It's worth trying to resolve it IF OP's DH actually wants to persevere and try to make their relationship better. It doesn't sound at present like he does, but now the true situation is out in the open it does need to be discussed.

FWIW I'd be looking at getting my dc away from someone who claims to hate them and brushes them off, I'm not sure those feelings are something you can resolve through talking it through. Awful situation, I really feel for you.

It sounds like he needs therapy. What happened when you were both making the decision about whether to use a sperm donor? Did he have therapy then? I guess it's different when you're talking about a theoretical baby than it is when the baby is born. It seems like he tried really hard when the baby was born to bond. Perhaps as the baby has grown, he's finding he's still struggling to bond despite all his efforts.

It's not fair on the little one and I hope he hasn't overheard any of the things his dad has said.

Not being able to have a biological child is a lot to come to terms with and is likely to take years of therapy, perhaps at different stages of life. He's probably grieving not being able to share your experience of looking at your child and seeing your nose or your curly hair or whatever. It must be really hard for him. You've been able to have a biological child but he hasn't and that must be painful, however much he wants to accept your child as his own.

I know when couples go through infertility, it's often suggested that they "just use an egg/sperm donor" but it really isn't that simple. You have to think about how that makes you feel and what impact that has, especially where one parent is biologically related to the child and the other one isn't.

This is actually really sad. Obviously your first instinct is to think how could he say that, but I would imagine he's been holding this is in for a while and it's been eating him up. It's telling that it came in an outburst, he knows he didn't want to say it because he knew what it meant.

I have no advice other than to wish you luck navigating this situation, and please try and understand what your husband is going through.

When he gets home, I’d calmly and politely ask him to temporarily leave (obviously, not instantly, but find a hotel or short stay accommodation).

He clearly needs space and time to work through this.

The three of you cannot continue to live under the same roof whilst he’s feeling this way. This is really quite serious and complex.

I say the above with sympathy for all of you, including him. He’s clearly really struggling.

This is very wise.

Take the situation seriously but not literally. Ask dh what he wants to do. If he wants to apologize and work through it then he can do the work and come through. If he doesn’t then the marriage is over. Better now than later.

I would agree. On some level he likely went through with this for you op, and maybe under estimated the impact on him. He sounds like he is really struggling. Assuming he is not an asshole, and does realise the impact this will have on a wholly innocent child, he will understand he needs counselling and as a family you need to discuss it. If he can’t get over this, your relationship is over as you need to protect that poor boy. I’m really sorry you are all going through this.

This is a difficult situation. Your DH is not just dealing with not being biologically related to his DS but also the fact that you are. So you’re not in it together in the way that you would have been with adoption. He absolutely needs counselling. There may even be support groups for men in the same situation. Even if you split, he can still be a present father. Toddlers are challenging so it’s not totally surprising that his feelings have come out now rather than at newborn stage. The big question is whether your DH wants to try.

What the man is 'going through' is his problem to sort.
He is not entitled to rage at his wife or traumatise her child.

While he can't stand your child and shouts and flounces, he needs to go away. It's completely indefensible that the man has been pushing the child away and shouting instead of realising his own issues and sorting them.

Something is going on either linked to the circumstances of DS conception or your partner's own childhood or both. He needs therapy and to be commited to therapy to address this. If not I'd be ending the relationship.

I feel so sorry for your toddler going to his Dad for a cuddle and he just gets moved away or told to go to his Mum, he's already damaging your little boy by doing this.

I don't think I could get past the fact that he'd said he hates his son, I couldn't trust him with him if he feels like that. I wouldn't want my child growing up in that environment were he's constantly rejected by one parent.
It would be the end of the marriage for me.

To put it as 'going through' like you're diminishing his feelings is really cruel. Yes they can't continue like this but if the OP went in with that attitude nothing will get resolved

Oh that’s horrendous for you OP.
Biological or not he has still been dad to your son.

is he very depressed? Given the early involvement and presumable bonding, it is surprising for him to draw back but you’ve seen in coming and now he has voiced it.
I could not stay with someone who hates their/your baby boy. I imagine now he’s said this he will surely be looking to separate?