Page 2 | Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

ClawFriend · 2025-06-05T09:08:53+00:00

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now. DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it. Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word. I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad. I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

SheridansPortSalut · 05/06/2025 11:11

He needs to talk to a counselor.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 05/06/2025 11:14

BallerinaRadio · 05/06/2025 11:06

To put it as 'going through' like you're diminishing his feelings is really cruel. Yes they can't continue like this but if the OP went in with that attitude nothing will get resolved

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The person who needs centered, protected, and who is extremely vulnerable is the child. He had no say in anything and is dependent on adults keeping him safe and giving him a fantastic upbringing.

The adult man is choosing to not do that, so as an adult he needs to sort this, and should have done so at the first second he realised he hates the child.

AnonWho23 · 05/06/2025 11:17

Would he consider exploring these feelings in therapy? I had specialist counselling via our fertility clinic. It might be worth reaching out to them. I think he's struggling and needs some help. That being said, he can't be allowed to reject your child. It will have a terrible impact on his self esteem. Maybe, he needs a break away from the family to work on himself and decide what he wants. Alternatively, you make the decision and end the relationship. Your child's wellbeing is the priority.

Butchyrestingface · 05/06/2025 11:17

It would be over for me. He's told you he hates the kid, wishes he'd never been born and is certainly behaving like that.

Believe him.

hideawayforever · 05/06/2025 11:18

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 05/06/2025 11:14

The person who needs centered, protected, and who is extremely vulnerable is the child. He had no say in anything and is dependent on adults keeping him safe and giving him a fantastic upbringing.

The adult man is choosing to not do that, so as an adult he needs to sort this, and should have done so at the first second he realised he hates the child.

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totally agree, it's the toddler who needs prioritising and protecting.

Endofyear · 05/06/2025 11:20

As others have said, if you are going to find a way forward as a family, your partner needs to seek help to address how he is feeling. When things are calmer, you can attempt to talk to him about this. If he is absolutely against getting help, I think you need to think hard about how you move forward - for your little boy's sake. It's not fair to subject him to continuous rejection from his father and you may well feel that you need to leave.

Hankunamatata · 05/06/2025 11:21

Therapy/counselling ASAP. Sounds like dh has lots to work through, perhaps you both do.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/06/2025 11:22

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 05/06/2025 11:14

The person who needs centered, protected, and who is extremely vulnerable is the child. He had no say in anything and is dependent on adults keeping him safe and giving him a fantastic upbringing.

The adult man is choosing to not do that, so as an adult he needs to sort this, and should have done so at the first second he realised he hates the child.

Show quote history

See this attitude is interesting because you would never see a reply like this on a thread- and there have been many- where a mother says they are going through it and hate their child in that moment.

Yes the child needs to be protected, but it’s quite possibly that this man also does need therapy and help himself. Children can be hard word, they can strain your marriage, relationship, patience, I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen posts on here from mum’s who are struggling to bond, struggling to parent, just struggling, and it’s funny how when it’s a mum posting that the replies advise therapy, time alone to relax, needing a break is normal etc.

SamDeanCas · 05/06/2025 11:25

Hate is a very strong word.

Sounds like you need to sit and have a discussion with your dh, maybe even councilling. If this is truly how he feels then, imo, you need to remove your ds from the environment and separate

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 05/06/2025 11:25

Mrsttcno1 · 05/06/2025 11:22

See this attitude is interesting because you would never see a reply like this on a thread- and there have been many- where a mother says they are going through it and hate their child in that moment.

Yes the child needs to be protected, but it’s quite possibly that this man also does need therapy and help himself. Children can be hard word, they can strain your marriage, relationship, patience, I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen posts on here from mum’s who are struggling to bond, struggling to parent, just struggling, and it’s funny how when it’s a mum posting that the replies advise therapy, time alone to relax, needing a break is normal etc.

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Statistically, men are a risk to children. (and women) I have been abused by an adult male when I was the same age as OPs child, so that's where my sympathies lie.
It's not on OP to get this man to fix himself.

BunnyLake · 05/06/2025 11:27

I would leave. Your son will be greatly damaged being brought up in a house where his ‘dad’ hates him. For the love, care and protection of your precious son, leave this man.

BunnyLake · 05/06/2025 11:29

Mrsttcno1 · 05/06/2025 11:22

See this attitude is interesting because you would never see a reply like this on a thread- and there have been many- where a mother says they are going through it and hate their child in that moment.

Yes the child needs to be protected, but it’s quite possibly that this man also does need therapy and help himself. Children can be hard word, they can strain your marriage, relationship, patience, I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen posts on here from mum’s who are struggling to bond, struggling to parent, just struggling, and it’s funny how when it’s a mum posting that the replies advise therapy, time alone to relax, needing a break is normal etc.

Show quote history

It’s not in the moment though. OP said he has been withdrawing as son has left babyhood and become a toddler.

Original poster

ClawFriend · 05/06/2025 11:29

Thanks all for replying, really appreciate it. I’m still in a bit of a state tbh.

He was hands-on and very involved when DS was a baby. I’m not exaggerating that. Up in the night, changing nappies, bottle feeds, carrying him round everywhere. Even when DS started saying “dada” he seemed pleased and a bit proud. It’s only since he turned about 18 months or so that DH has really pulled back.

I’ve tried talking to him a few times and he always just said he’s tired from work. What kicked it all off last night was I was making dinner and DH and DS were in the living room and I saw DS try and climb on his lap. DH literally put his arm out to block him. DS just laughed cos he didn’t get it, but I saw it and it really upset me. So I brought it up and it all kicked off from there.

He ended up shouting that using a donor was a mistake and that he hates DS. Then stormed off and slept on the sofa. Got up this morning and left for work without saying anything.

He did have counselling before we went ahead with using a donor. We also picked someone who looks similar to DH so they do have similar features, and DS even has his eye colour. We didn’t just rush into it — it was a long process and we made the decision together.

DH didn’t have a great relationship with his dad growing up (or either parent really), so I didn’t think he’d turn cold like this.

I get that it’s not easy and I know he’s struggling, but I can’t let DS grow up thinking he’s unwanted. He’s such a sweet little boy, full of energy and love. I just want to do right by him.

OP posts:

Daleksatemyshed · 05/06/2025 11:30

I think your DH feels like this now because at 2 yo it's more obvious your DS isn't biologically his. He agreed to a sperm donor for your sake and now deeply regrets it. Unless councilling will help him I'm afraid your marriage is over Op.

MoominMai · 05/06/2025 11:32

redskydelight · 05/06/2025 10:14

Would DH be able to talk to you more constructively when he is calmer? Or would he speak to a therapist/someone else?

I suspect he does not hate/resent your son, but more the changes that it has meant to your (both of your) lives and it would be helpful for him to be able to communicate this in a non-judgemental environment. Many parents go through phases of feeling like this, and it really doesn't mean your marriage is over. I struggled with my own DS at a similar age but persevered and we now have a very strong bond (he is 21 now).

Edited

Sorry didn’t see later posting ignore as can’t delete

MoominMai · 05/06/2025 11:32

redskydelight · 05/06/2025 10:14

Would DH be able to talk to you more constructively when he is calmer? Or would he speak to a therapist/someone else?

I suspect he does not hate/resent your son, but more the changes that it has meant to your (both of your) lives and it would be helpful for him to be able to communicate this in a non-judgemental environment. Many parents go through phases of feeling like this, and it really doesn't mean your marriage is over. I struggled with my own DS at a similar age but persevered and we now have a very strong bond (he is 21 now).

Edited

Duplicated in error can’t delete sorry

godmum56 · 05/06/2025 11:35

IfIDid · 05/06/2025 10:37

Assuming he’s not an asshole, and that this was said out of pain rather than a cold, conscious rejection, he needs therapy to resolve his feelings with no further damage being caused to your little boy.

I know several families where there have been significant glitches, but they’ve all been happily resolved — because the parents in question were committed to the child and determined to resolve things. A friend had had terrible PND and struggled to bond with her third child for years. Another friend in a lesbian couple struggled because she’d been the one who wanted to carry their child but had a stillbirth, so it was very hard for her when it needed to be her wife who carried their daughter. Other friends with twins had fallen into the habit when the twins were babies of taking one twin each, which meant that they needed to consciously work on bonding with the other baby once they’d realised it had got very unbalanced. Another family had to deal with their children taking completely different attitudes to the family member who provided them with a donor egg.

What I’m saying is that it’s worth trying to resolve this. IF he’s still committed to your family.

This absolutely. I could understand if everytime he looks at the child growing up to not look like him, he feels a failure as a man. I don't agree with it and its immensely sad for everyone but feelings are not rational things. I also wonder if anyone else knows you used donor sperm and if anything has been said to him?

BunnyLake · 05/06/2025 11:35

You dh is cruel and spiteful and not emotionally intelligent enough to acknowledge he is struggling with the fact your ds is not his. Instead he takes it out on a defenceless, innocent child. If he was a step father this would be unforgivable and to my mind this is just as bad.

Emonade · 05/06/2025 11:36

ClawFriend · 05/06/2025 11:29

Thanks all for replying, really appreciate it. I’m still in a bit of a state tbh.

He was hands-on and very involved when DS was a baby. I’m not exaggerating that. Up in the night, changing nappies, bottle feeds, carrying him round everywhere. Even when DS started saying “dada” he seemed pleased and a bit proud. It’s only since he turned about 18 months or so that DH has really pulled back.

I’ve tried talking to him a few times and he always just said he’s tired from work. What kicked it all off last night was I was making dinner and DH and DS were in the living room and I saw DS try and climb on his lap. DH literally put his arm out to block him. DS just laughed cos he didn’t get it, but I saw it and it really upset me. So I brought it up and it all kicked off from there.

He ended up shouting that using a donor was a mistake and that he hates DS. Then stormed off and slept on the sofa. Got up this morning and left for work without saying anything.

He did have counselling before we went ahead with using a donor. We also picked someone who looks similar to DH so they do have similar features, and DS even has his eye colour. We didn’t just rush into it — it was a long process and we made the decision together.

DH didn’t have a great relationship with his dad growing up (or either parent really), so I didn’t think he’d turn cold like this.

I get that it’s not easy and I know he’s struggling, but I can’t let DS grow up thinking he’s unwanted. He’s such a sweet little boy, full of energy and love. I just want to do right by him.

He is going to seriously damage your son with this behaviour

Praying4Peace · 05/06/2025 11:37

its2346 · 05/06/2025 10:22

That would be a point of no return for me. That’s cruel. I’d make a total and clean break to protect my child: ask DH to leave, remove him from the birth certificate, change child’s name to yours, and then raise your son to believe he was chosen, loved and deeply wanted by you, with the right to contact his bio father when he wants. Do this while he’s young enough to forget your DH ever existed. Don’t let him grow up feeling like he’s unwanted - ‘hated’ - or that he’s done something wrong just because he exists. It will ruin his life, and he doesn’t deserve that. You have to make sure he’s ok.

This is too soon to call it a day.
I totally agree that your husband can't behave like this towards your son but it's important to recognise that there are complicated emotions associated with non biological parenting.
Some parents admit to struggling with emotions re their own biological children.
I really think that your husband would benefit from counselling to work through his feelings.
I really believe that your relationship is worth working on, given your history.
Wishing you all the best

TheIceBear · 05/06/2025 11:37

I wouldn’t just up and leave but I would start planning it if your dh doesn’t agree to get help like counselling. What does he suggest doing at this point ? Your ds is already here.

TasWair · 05/06/2025 11:37

It sounds like your DH is in a bad place and needs therapy, and I have sympathy for anyone struggling with MH. But I don't think a toddler should live with a father that constantly rejects him emotionally and physically. That is going to really damage the little one, and, if your DH sorts his head out at some point, I think the memory of rejecting a vulnerable and loving boy will make it far more difficult to forgive himself.
On top of this, it doesn't sound like your DH thinks he needs help at all, in which case it would be completely pointless for him to seek therapy.
I'd tell your husband all of this, and get him to move out in order to protect the wellbeing of your child. I'd say that you'd like for him to get therapy, and to get past this, but it is his choice whether he wants to do that, and keep the door open to the possibility of him returning to your home.

ForeverPombear · 05/06/2025 11:38

I also think it's too soon to call it a day but you and your DH need to have a proper talk and I think it would be a good idea for him to get some councelling. He really needs and has to want to work at this.

Doyathinkhesaurus · 05/06/2025 11:40

Sit him down and very calmly explain that therapy is cheaper than divorce and those are currently his options.

AnonWho23 · 05/06/2025 11:40

I had 7 years of fertility treatment. It was very traumatic. Once I had kids, I remember thinking at times.... why did I do this to myself, and maybe I couldn't get pregnant because I'm not fit to be a parent. People struggle with different stages of child development, and 2 is pretty tricky. I'm not excusing the behaviour. I just saying human emotions are complex. He may well have wanted DC with all his heart but you really don't know how your going to react. That's why I suggested fertility counselling because it's a specialised area.