Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

I agree that it has to be an ultimatum now. He can't say that he hates his son and then act as if everything is normal. So he either agrees to therapy and agrees that he needs to work on himself but if he's reluctant I would be starting a separation.

It is a deeply complex situation and NO ONE could fully be aware of how they would feel and the emotional ramifications of this. He agreed to something because loves his wife and perhaps even thought it was right at the time - but I really think that people should be more understanding of how he feels. I'm not saying his behaviour is good but it is an emotionally complex situation, one which he can only be helped through by a trained professional.

OP I’m so sorry.l but there really is no way back here.

he has now said he hates him twice. No once on a bad day. On once in the spur of the moment.

24 hours later after having time to think, coming home and acting like a good daddy playing with him and his cars.

he still then said clearly, I HATE HIM AND I REGRET HIM. completely honest.

i weep for this poor boy.

please leave the situation. It is so so damaging for children to grow up distant from a parent. They will become acutely aware of the indifference, the distance and the lack of love.

please please don’t expose this innocent boy to this xx

I mean it's sad that he has these feelings but it's a lot sadder for his poor son! It can't be all or even mostly about the adults' feelings.

This is total bs. Step parenting and step children is one of the most complex familial relationships that exists and no step parents have to pretend the child is biologically theirs!! An extra layer of complexity is that OP and her DH have been lying to everyone about it, and shame and suffering is amplified by silence and isolation. I am not okaying his behaviour but it would be quite frankly stupid to not have ANY empathy for the situation.

I’m a bit confused why everyone is second guessing this and being like oh maybe it’s this maybe it’s that. He’s literally told you he doesn’t see him as his own. He has also said he’s made his bed and now needs to lie in it. Clearly you noticed his mask slipping - no doubt because it’s getting harder for him to hide his dislike (hurt).

contrary to people who say oh blood doesn’t count etc etc, actually adoption or donor etc is not as simple as well I’m raising them so they’re mine. Even when you have a baby that is biologically your own, it can be tough to bond or go through phases and yes, your own family history can impact too. Many people adopt and find themselves not liking or feeling love for the child. Believe it or not people actually do “return” kids sometimes when they feel they made a mistake adopting.

your son is becoming a boy and your dh is seeing another man’s face. Another man’s face mixed with his wife.

you saying how sweet the boy is etc doesn’t mean anything, if anything it’s going to make him feel even more irritated by the situation - because he feels like the victim. Rightly or wrongly (wrongly). And you defending the ‘cause’ of his hurt is only going to make him feel more pushed out of the picture.

personally, I’d leave immediately and write it off. Of course tell your son his origin story. Minus the “he hated you” bit. But tell him you had a partner and the relationship broke up. Just treat it like you would a deadbeat dad.

The only reason he said he’d also feel this way if it was his bio kid is because he feels like a tosser and is trying to reduce his guilt and reduce how much of a dick he sounds like. (Stupid, man logic)

but don’t try to force it. It’s gone too far. Your son is two and will face trauma from breaking the bond but he will face more from growing up with a dad like this. Imagine what he’ll treat him like when he’s a teen and looks like his bio dad.

https://dcnetwork.org/i-am/heterosexual-couple/telling-and-talking/

dcnetwork.org/processing-grief/

Ahh what a difficult situation, I do have a close relative who is male and found out he would never be able to have kids of his own. He and his wife used a doner sperm and they now have a 5 year old dd. He is a great Dad and they were upfront with everyone about the situation, however the wider family have all been supportive and knew that he could not have children. This could be the issue with your DH and you should give him a chance with some counselling.

I think your husband needs to see a doctor - to have such a switch, when he hadnt always felt this way towards your son is odd. Something has changed for him internally, he isnt being reasonable in his responses to you or feelings towards your DS - you agreed this route & if he has 'cold feet' - its too late. I really feel for you, him and your DS. I hope you can all move past it together and he becomes the Dad he needed.

How awful. Poor DS and poor you.

He needs counselling. But I doubt he will get over the fact your SS reminds him of his inability to father a child. I do hope he moves someway on the dial though otherwise you need to start planning a life on your own.

Good luck.

Agree.

Why did he say it wouldn’t feel any different if your son was “his” when all his other comments focus on the sperm donor issue? Is he saying that even if he was his biological son he thinks he’d hate him?!

I don't think hating your children is anywhere near as normal as you think it is.

@ClawFriend, surely you and your husband realised that, once you told your son he was conceived via sperm donor, everyone else in your lives would be likely to find out anyway? You can't have expected your son to keep it a secret.

Ah honey this is so sad. From what you say, DH struggled with fatherhood in various ways before he even became one himself. He's given glimpses of the wonderful father he might have been (and maybe still could). He's had therapy to try and work out what went wrong with his relationship with his own father. He's done everything he could to overcome his fears/anxieties/shame so you could both become parents.

But it's not been enough.

What stood out for me was when you said
DH didn’t have a great relationship with his dad growing up (or either parent really), so I didn’t think he’d turn cold like this.
Unfortunately it doesn't always work like that. Yes some people become amazing parents despite/because of their own unhappy childhood experiences. But I'll bet the majority of kids who are poorly parented go on to struggle with parenting their own kids. Not for want of trying to break the cycle, but because these things run deep. For someone with that background to be in the extra-difficult position of not being the biological parent of their child - something that would affect the most psychologically stable of us - the pressure he's under must be immense.

If he was a selfish bastard it would be easy. Sounds like he's not. And your little boy won't just 'forget' he ever existed. But the two of you have to work out what happens next. I'd want to do that with the help of a family therapist, but it might be too soon to be talking about that, while you're both in turmoil.

I don't have any advice OP. Just to say I feel for all three of you. You sound a loving little family, with issues that are crying out for attention. I wish you all the very best of luck.

I think you need some family therapy.

I don’t think mere mortals can unravel this.

the whole fertility issue strikes me as a red herring.

Sounds to me as though your H just doesn’t like family life, wants out of it and he’s rewriting history to paint himself as a victim.

I think you should both have counselling but I also think this secret needs to come out. It'll come out when you tell DS and it sounds like it's eating away at DH.

Jesus. Get your child out of this shit storm.

I do feel sympathy for your DH. But the child is more important here. He can’t live with someone who is supposed to be his daddy yet secretly hates him/tolerates him at best..

Especially if your DH won’t go for therapy. I know it’s scary but staying will be 1000x worse for your son. Seek legal advice asap.

It's his loss. 💐
If he only say that he hates DS once.

I think a hell of a lot of men just don't cope well with children that aren't their biological offspring. Traits and appearance come out much more strongly in the toddler years, he may be struggling to accept the situation. Think really carefully about what you do here op, your DS has to come first and can never be made to feel unwanted.

He will not go to therapy, and he doesn't seem to understand the gravity of what he is saying. I think if he's saying it he's been feeling it for a long time and grappling with it. I wonder if he would be prepared to attend couples counselling on the guise of discussing the impact on your relationship. Unfortunately, 8f he's not going to engage in therapy or he has no intention of changing his mindset then your done. You have no option but to walk away.

Mum of a child conceived with a donor egg here, honestly a lot of the time I forget that my child was donor conceived. We are so similar in personality that it’s scary! The Donor Conception Network may be able to point you both to some local support groups. Not sure if it will help but an honest conversation about what to do is probably the best way forward.

Sounds like your DH goes into flight mode - his urge is to cut and run - when things get hard. He wanted to leave when it was discovered he was infertile and now he's in another hard place - parenting a toddler.

He's being honest about how he feels. He hasn't just walked out and left you without a word

Perhaps one of the answers might be to stop being secretive, maybe starting with your family if they'd be more supportive. Then he doesn't have to keep hearing comments about his they look alike.

But I do suspect from what he said that he's finding parenting hard and that if he didn't have that reason to justify his he feels there would be another

In your shoes I'd not being it up for a bit - I think otherwise it will entrench how he feels. Parenting a toddler is hard and he's hardly the first parent to wonder if they are up for the job. Given how he was when your son was a baby it's possible things will shift again as your son grows.

It sounds as if he might be very scared of rejection once your ds knows he isn’t his biological father, and that he feels jealous and inadequate seeing all the fuss and love for a child he didn’t father. I say this with kindness - I have experience of this situation. The ‘he looks like you’ comments are hollow to him. He loved him as a little baby but as your DC getting older, perhaps he’s fearful of getting attached. What I found helped is showing how much his little boy loves him and reassuring him that he was a wonderful daddy - the other man is a donor and not his daddy and can never replace him. I hope this helps a little. I just have a feeling that this irrational ‘hate’ he speaks of all of a sudden comes from fear that not everyone on here will understand.