Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

I think he really needs to start talking to people that can understand, people he can tell his darkest fears too without fear of ramifications. Do you think he'd engage with a support group for parents of donor conceived children?

You'd be surprised. People do!

Cannot edit my post (should have added at the end)... you have to earn being called dad.

He has been the child's dad OP. He has raised him well according to you, has been called daddy, as that's who he is.

At the very least he needs to move out and spend a long time alone processing his feelings. Saying he hates his child two evenings in a row is not tiredness or stress, this is exactly what he feels. Temporarily or for months, reversible or not, only time will tell. But for the best of you and your child and to avoid toxicity at home he needs to leave asap to clear his head and come to conclusions himself, sorry. He can't stay.

https://www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/finding-out-about-your-donor/counselling-and-support-for-donor-conceived-people-and-donors/

Anyone who said they hated my child, let alone said it more than once, would need to give me space, regardless of circumstances. Some time apart would be wise I think before you decide how to proceed.

Secrets of this magnitude have the capacity to tear families apart and I have no doubt that this is a major contributing factor to your husbands state of mind, however your sons wellbeing must come first. Even if you just go and visit family for example so you each have time and space to consider your options. Therapy and an end to the secrecy seem like the only viable ways out of this. Good luck OP

But surely he can seek support if he wants to. It is he who chose to keep it a secret

I suspect that what your DH really hates isn't your lovely DS, it's the circumstances and what DS represents. He hates that he hasn't been able to have a child of his own with you, he hates that he isn't DS biological dad, he hates that he has to 'live a lie' with everyone thinking he is his biologically... I don't think he really hates the little boy. I think your DH is probably heartbroken that he isn't biologically his. But that doesn't mean he should be lashing out. It must be so heartbreaking for you too OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to suggest. Just keep giving your little boy all the love in the world and do what's best for him xxx

Oh this is so sad @ClawFriend
If he really won't try counselling I think you'll have to split up.
All you can do is start planning what that will look like.
I can't believe he won't even try counselling. I'm so sorry.

Perhaps you suggest to your dh that he chooses a trusted friend and confides in him. It would give him someone to chat to who isn't part of the family.

Or a support service he can talk to in private. Perhaps another man who has been through the same.

If I were in your position and he wouldn’t consider therapy, this would certainly be the end of a relationship for me. I couldn’t stand by and see a person like that with my child

And YET men are never given the same advice to fix it for their wives....

I’d feel the need to be extremely vigilant he didn’t act on that hate, very concerning. Hate is a very strong word for this situation and frightening, who hates a child? Maybe no longer wants to parent but hate?

Yeah I think you’re all right about the secrecy thing — it’s just made everything worse. I thought we were doing the right thing at the time, protecting DS and DH, but all it’s done is build this massive shame cloud over it. I’m going to suggest he speaks to a support group or something — maybe one for parents of donor conceived children, not just counselling, because maybe hearing from people in similar situations will help. I don’t know if he’ll agree but I’ve got to try.

DS only turned 2 a few weeks ago so he’s still too little to understand, but we always planned on telling him young enough for it to just be part of his story, no big shock. We didn’t want secrets.

I did ask DH what he thinks should happen next and he just said “we can’t change things now” then started going on about taking DS to the zoo tomorrow. Like that’s it, all brushed under the rug. I don’t even know what to make of that — like he’s either completely disconnected or he thinks he can just carry on like nothing’s happened.

I feel like I’m going mad tbh.

Maybe he doesn't realise that it can be entirely normal to hate your biological children at times - just as much as you might hate an donor child.

Perhaps he doesn't understand that love isn't a constant - it ebbs & flows. It's ok to hate your kids at times. Doesn't mean you don't also love them.

I am so sorry - that is heartbreaking. But you can't continue this way. It doesn't even sound like its that heavily linked to the donor thing if its got worse as he has got older, not better - and he said himself that he's still hate him if he were his biologically. It sounds like some crap from his own family and maybe some responses to the fact that toddlers are tricky (and delightful). I think you need to give him an ultimatum - either he sees a therapist to process this or you break up and you need to be willing to take sole custody of your son. It's not even safe to have someone in the house with your 2 year old saying he hates him.

She has tried to talk to him many times. The last time he shouted, said he hates his child and it was a mistake.
It is on HIM to understand he needs help for his feelings, he is a grown man! It's on HIM to put HIS child first, apologise and find counselling to deal with HIS issues.
I don't think OP should be the one initiating the conversation (again!), Explaining and asking "pretty-please dear Love-of-my-life consider that maybe perhaps you might want to think that you may have an issue you need help with?" F**k that!

In addition I wonder what sort of relationship he had with his parents when he was 2 which might be being triggered by your DS also being 2.

OP I know you’ve done everything with the absolute best of intentions but by keeping this a secret you have inadvertently turned DS’s parentage into something shameful. I know someone who used a donor sperm and they have always been very open about it from day 1, I cannot imagine the pain it would cause if their loved ones didn’t know and were making accidental & upsetting comments about how much their child looked like dad.

Please don’t let DH sweep this under the rug. You need to start telling those close to you so you so your family and close friends can be sensitive and supportive. He also definitely needs some further counselling to help him work through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel and in some ways it’s far better this happens now than years down the line.

After tinight's update, its an ultimatum: It's therapy or divorce!
I can't believe he still says he hates his son but "doesn't need therapy". WFT

I'm so sorry about this situation. I would never be able to look at my DH the same way again. Yes, he may be dealing with his own childhood trauma, but you have a responsibility to you child to raise him in a loving home. If i was in your position i would say that he needs to either have some therapy or we split, your poor little boy never asked for any of this

I would definitely make sure this is resolved one way or another now - if this is brushed under the rug then it’ll only be more painful when your DH can no longer keep up the act.

Also might become dangerous if his mental health declines further and he hates his DS and lashes out or something in the future.

I really feel for you but action is needed now to either address this or protect your DS from potential future decline. Unfortunately it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to accept he needs help and might need you taking action and leaving to make the step

He also said when people say DS looks like him, it hurts — that it feels like he’s just pretending, like he’s playing dad and everyone’s just going along with it.

This stood out for me.
Also....

My thoughts after reading your latest up date is he doesn't necessarily hate your DS but hates the situation, hates that he didn't father the DC himself and the older DS gets the more people keep saying how much he looks like him, having to continue pretending....maybe he does love his DS but doesn't want to keep feeling like he's having to live a lie.

No real help but I can imagine it must be hard for him, not many men would admit that they're hurting and although to us he's going about explaining it in the wrong way he needs to know that anyone can father a child but it's a special person who gets to be called a dad.

I don't agree that it was a mistake to keep secret that your ds was conceived with the help of a donor. No one outside your marriage, except medical, is entitled to know.
Your dh is an asshole. Who cares what his issues are? He's either in or out as a dad and spouse and if he's in he better get himself sorted.
If it were me I'd start lining things up preparing to split.

because you can't know how you will feel about things until you are there. You may think you know, you may have wanted to feel differently but feelings are feelings.