Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

Think that's a bit different. After all you still went through the pregnancy and birth

Dear @ClawFriend This is one of the saddest threads I’ve read on here … It’s heartbreaking.

Perhaps you could go and get some professional help or advice on how to deal with this. It is so complex. He has been a good dad and if he’s normally a good husband I wouldn’t be tempted to give up on this marriage just yet.

xxxx

My late husband's children were adopted. Nevertheless, I could see that his son had similar personality traits to DH.

I didn’t say it was the same, I was just adding context for my suggestion of contacting DCN as I have a lived experience of using them for support/info.

For what it’s worth I never felt like a ‘real’ mum for a very long time as there was always a bit of imposter syndrome going on due to the DEIVF. Therapy for PTSD linked to traumatic baby loss issues helped me to reconcile the imposter mum syndrome too.

Just because I was pregnant and gave birth it didn’t give me a free pass to a rosy start to parenthood.

But her child still isn't biologically hers so it really isn't that different. Men never go through pregnancy and birth so that isn't the issue for her DH. It's the fact that he isn't his biological son.

You need to be clear, this is obviously extremely hard for your dh but either he gets help and learns to accept the situation and work at loving ds as his own. Or it’s over.

I hope my post doesn’t seem insensitive but this is like a sliding doors moment with how my life panned out…

My DH has azoospermia, we tried ivf (through surgical sperm retrieval) but it failed, it was too heavy on my mind & body that I said I couldn’t face another round.
We then discussed our options and were told it would be adoption, sperm donor or no children.

My DH basically said (I’m paraphrasing) that he did not like the idea of using a sperm donor for multiple reasons that he explained but said he understood it was a lot to ask me to never experience pregnancy due to his own hang ups and insecurities and that he ‘knew’ he would love the child as his own so it was my choice.

I realised that wasn’t enough reassurance for me, and I always said ‘you can’t miss what you haven’t had’ so I decided to not go down that path as I was more fearful of doing it and losing my DH if we had a child and he couldn’t get past it not being biologically his.

HOWEVER, I know 100% in my heart that if we had had a child via sperm donor and my fears had come true and my DH just couldn’t accept him, that I would have walked. I wanted children so desperately as I wanted to love and protect them, but I love my DH more than any unknown children to have risked it. But known children are different, it was a decision you made together and he did not keep up his end of the bargain, but you went in to it knowing the risks and you need to be the one who protects your child from the fallout of it.

You worked so hard to get your son because he was so badly wanted, and he is all that not matters, you will be fine just you and him ❤️

I'm so sorry for you OP. Sounds to me like your DS has got to an exhausting tricky phase and your DH is using the sperm donor background as an excuse to be an arsehole. I don't feel sorry for him. You both went into this with your eyes open. If he can't cope that's on him. Definitely ultimatum time. Step up or fuck off.

There's so many posters here agree with, including the ones that state how this is one of saddest I've seen on mn. @ClawFriend I can't imagine what emotional turmoil you're going through. Definitely go to the DCN but for you and DS.
your H while he may having difficulties, the fact he's refusing counselling and expects to be in a family where he openly states he hates his child??? He can fuck off.

Looking from the outside

In the past before the invention of IVF & DNA some people found other methods of having children.
Or they had no children.

I wonder if your DH is feeling that his/your lives would be better without children ?

I wonder if your DH, now sees you give all your love & attention to your child & less to your him.

I think that your DH is struggling to communicate how he feels, so he lumps it all into one feeling of "hate". However, he probably has lots of different feelings bundled into one.

Being a parent is not easy.

I also think that he should take a week & go away & decide if he wants to stay & have a family life or walk away forever.

Because he obviously didn't realise how he would feel once DS was growing up. Did he? Or are you saying he knew he would feel this shit about the whole thing?

I cant believe the amount of people defending the poor dh being sad about not having a biological link to this child.

Hes a fucking man baby who needs to buck his ideas up and go to therapy or leave rather than ignoring and going cold on a literal toddler and telling his mom he hates him and refusing to cuddle or show him any affection.

My sympathy goes to the poor little lad who doesn't deserve the only father hes ever known to treat him like that.

100% agree
Hes an adult who literally chose this
the poor baby asked for none of it ☹️ the long term impact of being rejected by a primary caregiver at such a young age will be devastating. But his selfish “father” only gives a shit about himself.

This is heartbreaking.

Your poor DH, yourself and your little one.

Haven't any suggestions, but sending strength if you are ok with that.

You do need to protect your son. The relationship has to end before your husband attitude towards him affects him. Really feel for you.

are you serious?? No most parents don’t go through phases of hating their child. That’s insane.

I think if he is refusing to get therapy about his feelings for DS, then you need to leave him OP for the sake of your child. If he is like this with him now, he could get a lot worse as DS gets older.

I’m not in the LTB group often (or ever) because relationships are nuanced, and I can understand that as DS changes maybe there is ‘less’ of him in similar looks to DH- but I’m sorry- I could not stay with a man who states he hates a child, will always hate him, and has no I retest in looking into talking to someone ASAP. Having people say DS is the spit of him would be hard I’d imagine: and seeing DS become his own person, and maybe thinking his personality is more like his sperm donor I also understand but as the adult he needs to deal with it. Your son does not deserve to grow up thi king he isn’t worthy and chasing his dad’s attention

He's been increasingly distant towards your DH for the last 6 months and says he hates him? There's no poor DH about this situation, you don't have to be blood related to love a child and show them affection. You can't have someone who says they hate your DS living under the same roof as him. Your DS will notice one day that his dad resents him, you must leave your H before that happens.

I've not read everything (I've read all your posts on this) so apologies if I'm repeating others here.
I think you shouldn't concentrate on the donor aspect of this without also considering the impact of his own childhood and anything else going on at the moment.

There may be some truth in what he said about being tired from work. He may be then struggling to deal with a 2yr old mithering him in a way he might cope better with if he wasn't tired. I suspect there's an element here that he doesn't have the emotional resources because he can't draw on positive childhood experiences himself. - he's struggling to see this from the child's point of view.

That in turn might be then 'explained' to himself as being because of the donor situation.

I'm not saying it's not relevant. I'm not saying it isn't the only issue. Just that it struck me that it might be more complex because of his father not being a great parenting model.

I also agree that it can't help to constantly be told DS looks like daddy if her feels insecure about it because it's just reminds him all the time that he wasn't able to have a biological child. And by making it secret it's compounding the idea that it's shameful.

He clearly needs to do one of 3 things,
a. get some therapy and counselling about his feelings and also about his own childhood.
b. If he is able to take it on board, do his own research into the psychological issues here and reflect.
c. Leave.

If he's not able to meaningfully do a or b and isn't willing to do c then I'm afraid you need to force him to leave it get out.

I really feel for both of you. 💐

I don't recognise the posters here who sometimes 'hate' their children.

He seems to think it's an acceptable thing to say and that you will have to get over that. I certainly wouldn't live with someone who felt like that about my child. Blood or otherwise.

I think the secret is a lot to bear. Unfortunately you also have to carry this secret now OP. And now it's become difficult for either of you to discuss this in real life... sounds like it's time to shine a light on it all. Your ds isn't a dirty secret.

My real biological father resented and hated 2 of us kids and liked the others. He was an aggressive bully,emotionally,mentally and physically. He didnt start off like that it was gradual but it got to a point it was unbearable. If he doesnt accept your child he will make him suffer. Love is what stops parents resenting their children. If it isnt there he'll grow to hate him. Its traumatic for the child. Dont put your child through it.

Where you go from here is you need to start talking about it all together then eventually be open about it with some trusted others and he needs to go to therapy. His feelings have built up due to the secrecy, probably shame on his part, and not talking had let this build up and up into anger and rejection of DS. There’s an awful lot there work through and unpack and it’s too important for half hearted measures. He needs therapy asap and you may need some therapy between you eventually or alongside as he’s obviously not been able to communicate the feelings he’s been struggling with to you.

i don’t think he hates your DS at all. It’s just how his feelings are coming out as they’ve been bottled up and not processed and have built up into anger and resentment.

I think it would be detrimental to ask him to leave just at the point he has opened up (even if it’s way too late and not in a healthy way) - you will be reinforcing likely beliefs that he is on his own with his feelings and can’ rely on anyone. But my deal breakers would be if he refuses counselling and/or to make efforts to shield DS from his feelings while he’s working on this. Then he either needs to leave temporarily if the latter or permanently if the former.

Good luck. What a horrible situation for you all.

Would you say that if a woman was struggling with postnatal depression?