Am I being unreasonable to think DH resents our DS?

[ClawFriend]

Bit of backstory — DH has fertility issues, we tried for years before going down the donor sperm route. Wasn’t easy but we both agreed and now we’ve got our lovely DS, he’s 2 now.

DH was brilliant when DS was a baby — nappies, feeds, up in the night, proper hands on. But since DS turned into a proper toddler, he’s just pulled right back. DS wants cuddles, climbs on him, wants to play, and DH just moves him or tells him to go to me. He barely interacts now unless I push it.

Had another talk about it last night and it turned into a row. He ended up shouting that he hates DS and that going with a donor was a mistake. Then he stormed out and slept on the sofa. This morning he just got up and went straight to work without a word.

I feel sick. We agreed on this together. I know it’s complicated and I know he’s struggling, but DS didn’t ask for any of this. He’s just a little boy who wants his dad.

I’m heartbroken and angry and don’t even know what to do. I feel like I’ve got to protect DS from his own dad.

Where you go from here is legal advice about how to navigate a divorce when he clearly doesn't want to be the boy's father.

You can't stay. It will destroy your son.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry you and your child are going through this. Obviously your DS is too young to know about the nuances, but I am sure he "feels" how differently your DH has been treating him.

I am adopted. My parents had one biological child and then found out they couldn't have any more (too much risk for my mother) so they adopted me. My father was absolutely wonderful - I was NEVER anything other than "his daughter". My older sister (his biological child) and I were both treated exactly the same in terms of being "his children". He was a loving father and in fact I ended up sharing more of his interests than my sister did, so my dad and I spent a lot of time together - fishing, fixing up cars, reading, etc.

Because of this, when I was younger I simply could not comprehend how some people could say they wanted to have children, but they ONLY wanted to have children with "their DNA". Adoption, fostering, donor, etc. were never even considered by these people - it was their biological child or nothing. It absolutely made no sense to me, because - to me, an adopted child is still your child. A child from a donor egg/sperm is still your child.

I am more understanding of how people feel now that I am older - sometimes people feel how they feel, even if I may personally think it is irrational.

That doesn't mean that your DH's current behavior is acceptable, however; only that I can empathize a little bit with how he may feel - he may not have really realized it fully, but he didn't want "a child", he wanted "his child" only. However, your DS is here now and IS his child, regardless of how your DH feels about the genetic/biological aspect of it, so that makes DH's behavior absolutely unacceptable.

Would he be willing to do any sort of counselling or talk to someone about how he feels? You can also try emphasizing to him - kindly - that DS is his child. His name is listed on the birth certificate. DS is legally his child - and more importantly, he is his child from an emotional aspect. DS has only ever known him as daddy. Perhaps try to gently emphasize that you understand how he may feel that DS is not genetically his, but he is a father now and needs to grow up and be responsible for his son. Sometimes the adults need to deal with their feelings and emotions in order to be proper parents for their children.

I personally feel that if he refuses counselling or continues on that he "hates" DS, you may need to consider divorce. If your DH does not deal with these insecurities and emotions now, he never will, and your DS will only pick up on them even more as he gets older. It is not fair to your DS to force him to live with a parent that hates him.

Your poor son. How sad 😔. His dad needs to take responsibility for his actions. Like you said you agreed on this together. Now he is acting like a spoilt brat. Alot of men detail feeling left out and forgotten once baby arrives but to say he hates this little boy is so extreme. Not many people hate babies so I wonder if he was just lashing out and does he really mean he is hurt, feels like a failure and sad he is not his. Infertility must be so hard for him. Many people experience these feelings with adopted children, donor egg/sperms children I have read. But he does need to step up and apologise and seek help for the sake of this little boy and stop acting like a baby.

I agree. I’m an adoptive mum having gone through months of my 13 year old DD2 rejecting me as a parent, and refusing to go to school. I’m in despair and not knowing what to for the best, but I know that I’ll never stop loving her.

I’m sorry, but your DH is so out of order and you need to protect your DS.

What an unfortunate situation and I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Don't encourage your husband to stay in this marriage. It will only postpone the inevitable and do damage to your son. The right husband and father is out there waiting for you. Try to end as friends.

I couldn't stay with a man who openly says these things and refuses therapy.. I'd go it alone .

I wouldn’t allow him back in the house after that, let alone anywhere near the little boy he purportedly “hates” hell no. Kick him out op. I wouldn’t allow anybody near my DC who openly admitted their hatred of her. Vile man, yuck.

This is so, so sad to read.
As an ‘outsider’ I can’t help but feel sad for all of you.

• you - because, you couldn’t of seen this coming.
• your child - because they just want to be loved by both their parents.
• your partner - because I’m sure he didn’t realise that he was going to feel this struggle with his feelings to this point.

I can’t bring myself to villanise him and say he’s awful… but for the sake of all of you, this does need to be sorted out so you can all be happy again. I wish you all the luck.

Bye dh !
Don't stay with him. Your son will suffer

Exactly this. Behaviour towards a child is often rooted in the behaviour of your own parents at that same stage of parenting. It might be that he himself was rejected by his own parents as a toddler, and so this phase is particularly hard for him to navigate. Read ‘the book you wish your parents had read’ by Philippa Perry. She explains all of this more eloquently.

I don’t think your marriage is over. He’s obviously going through a tough time and feeling overwhelmed by being needed so much by your DS. I myself went through a similar phase with my own DD when she was around that age. It’s bloody tough, and you either walk away or work through the tough times together. Parenting is so hard. But if you’re both willing to put the work in you can overcome these hurdles. Might be that you take on more of the parenting just for a short while to give him some space to reflect… all the best to you whatever you decide

It's not even slightly bloody comparable!! PND is due to the head and body fuck of hormones and the general stress pregnancy and birth do to you. This is an ego thing, in the classic ego/id meaning.

Oh dear. Just as some mums find it difficult to bond with their children, so do some dads. He doesn’t hate DS, and nor is your relationship over. He is experiencing some very difficult conflicting emotions, and needs to consider seeking professional help to process them. The obvious starting point should be a conversation with a sympathetic GP at his practice.

Hear hear!

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but I would strongly advise you to build the sperm donor conversation in from now, not wait until he understands. If you do the latter it’ll be a terrible shock. My friend was advised to use a book about the kind man who gave us a gift. Children’s book. I’ll see if I can find a link to it. Read it every night to DS and he’ll grow up knowing it and it’ll be a part of him.

So sorry to hear about your trouble with your DH. 💐

Take your little boy now, as that's the only way you can hope to put this right, and never see that man again. I'm being deadly serious, if you don't take that baby away from that man you will be responsible for anything he does to him. You need to be alone with your child far away from him and never let him see him again. Even if he says he didn't mean it he was just upset or whatever other crap. He's told you how he feels and you better believe him.

What an awful situation for all of you. I think DH needs to open up fully because that's the only way you'll find a way through this. It might take him a while to explain how he really feels and for you to process it but at the end of the day it's whether you can trust him - you have to be the strong one, the one who asks the difficult questions and listens to the truth as he tells it. Only then can you both decide where to go from here.

Your DH is the nearest your DS will have to a daddy - you both chose that route but maybe in hindsight that was the easy part for him, living it is something you have to learn to do - nobody said it would be easy and there's bound to be some hiccups BUT this could have happened even if he was his birth father. Is there any support available through the path you used for the donor sperm/service - I'm sure many others in your position will encounter problems along the same lines.

My DD's father showed me signs before DD was born and it broke my heart, he carried on until she was 3 and I made the decision to leave. He didn't hurt her, he starved her of emotional feelings and shoved her away when he thought I wasn't looking. He's carried it on all her life with very limited contact through the courts - anyone can be a dad but being a parent is completely different - as I found out.

I’m so sorry op this is such a rollercoaster path u have been on and it looks like the ride won’t stop!
I think your dh needs to move out and see how he feels. It may be he realises what he is missing? But your poor ds deserves more! Good luck!

He outright said he did hate ds though. That isnt an ambiguous feeling op just pulled from her arse. He actually said those words. He has also been treating this child like shit for months refusing to hug him or show him any affection. Yet apparently thats all ok and its what? Ops responsibility to get him to the gp and get therapy? No its his responsibility and he doesn't want to.

The lengths people will go to to defend men on here. Gobsmacked tbh. Someone even previously compared it to postnatal depression, how ridiculous.

Why are some people defending this man’s disgusting behaviour towards a toddler. If he refuses counselling and continues this behaviour op needs to leave, but it sounds like she’s brushing it under the rug too

He said he hates his ds. On more than one occasion. And his behaviour matches this.

What about this makes you think he's experiencing 'conflicting emotions'?

This. If he’d refused to consider a sperm donor the marriage would likely have been over anyway.

I did ask DH what he thinks should happen next

He needs a dose of reality. You cannot bring up your son in a house with someone who hates him. It’s already affecting him (the incident blocking him climbing on his knee) and will get worse and worse as he gets older.

First opportunity sit him down and say you need to work out separate living accommodation immediately. Whether this is a trial separation or something else is up to you. If he won’t go you have to move out. And, honestly, I’d be very wary of access on his own if this is how he behaves.

Of course if a trial separation makes him realise what he’s lost and get help (counselling, telling family the truth etc) there will be a way back but if he’s really serious about this better to get him out of your son’s life before he’s any older.

Postnatal depression is a treatable medical condition. If a woman with postnatal depression refused to get any help and treatment and continued to say that she hated her child, people would probably respond in a similar way, that she is harming her baby and isn't a safe caregiver.

To add, a parent blocking affection from their own child is one of the saddest things (for the child) I’ve read. Plus your son will have noticed. Denying affection at this age can be seriously damaging to development.