To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

That’s presumably context around being more than old enough not to have mum coming into bedroom.

So you write your predicament and include a brief summary of why you're pissed off. 🤔

I don't think you are being unreasonable, that is yours and your partners private space and she shouldn't be in there , even if she did see a pile of clothes, you are a grown woman. I'd just put a lock , or kindly say to keep out, your partner isn't happy , it's perfectly reasonable to put boundaries down in your own home

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, I’d hate this. If she’s the sort to ignore you asking her not to, you might have to get a lock! Mine was (still is) a snooper and this sort of thing really really puts my hackles up.

@Clickjaw I've spent enough time discussing with a therapist, I don't need to keep going over the same things.
My parents are odd, I'll give you that. But they're not horrible people. They're definitely not dangerous people. There was never anything sexual going on, as people said over and over when I posted before. There was just no privacy. They didn't enter to look at us in the bath, they didn't look at us, they would have come in to say something which could have been said through the door. I was purely trying to gauge what is normal so I know for my own children.

Oh OP I completely get how you're feeling. I knew from your first post that there was a back story. How did I know? Because I was you, as a child. My mother in particular had no boundaries when it came to me. Always poking around in my room. I hated it.

As this OP said, your benchmark for what is normal is probably a bit fucked.

I know your DM had a disfunctional childhood but her crying and saying what a terrible mother she is is manipulative, it's designed to stop you in your tracks, and it works.

I actually wouldn't let your parents babysit, they will gradually make your child feel exactly how you felt when you were a kid. Do you want this for your DC?

Instead of a lock on your door, tell your parents the truth, that they don't respect your boundaries and therefore you will be putting your child in childcare from now on. When they protest just tell them that you love them but you and your DP don't appreciate them going into your room, it's not right and it's not normal. Yes they'll cry, but you need to stay firm.

Remember, you are an adult now, how you and your DP feel is perfectly valid. This your home, your rules. Stay strong OP.

They're not in the bedroom at the time, unless they're leaving sex toys laying around then what is there to keep private?

@LittleMonks11 he was one of 5 children who all shared one bedroom, he literally didn't know what privacy was 😅

What’s so wrong about wanting your own private space as a grown adult/couple?

Well now you feel uncomfortable with the situation, perhaps make alternative child care arrangements.

Because it is the op and her husbands bedroom they are entitled to have a space that is just theirs and not to have other people/her parents traipsing about in it, understanding boundaries do humans well in life.

@MayaPinion love this post 😆😆

It always amazes me on posts like this when people scream ungrateful at anything the OP asked if they should put up with any old behaviour simply because they are getting free childcare! @Gummybearmum it's not unreasonable to put a boundary in place that your bedroom is off limits and your private space. Obviously if they need to go in there to get something that directly relates to them caring for your DC that's fair enough otherwise there's no need to go in there and you can say that kindly and firmly without a trace of guilt

Yeah I don’t think it’s ok to go into someone’s bedroom if the door is closed. It s really obvious that it’s out of bounds then.

and your partner has a right to his privacy from his in-laws.

id ask them not to, but from your update it sounds like they might ignore you. You could put a lock on the door?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. If your DM has respected your privacy in the past then you probably wouldn't have an issue. My own DD wouldn't have any issue with me popping into her room because she knows I would only if I needed something and would be respectful as she's an adult. My poor step DIL struggles with my Step son's mum just going in their bedroom and rooting through things it feels a complete violation.

Edited as now read the thread! Sorry!

Not unreasonable at all, OP - and I think those people saying that, as you're getting free childcare, you should 'pay' for it by losing your privacy for no reason are really missing the point.

If you were saying that, even though she's looking after your child for free, she shouldn't feel entitled to use your kettle, tea and milk, your toilet roll, watch your TV, charge her phone with your electricity etc., you would indeed be extremely unreasonable.

But she has no reason whatsoever to go into your bedroom - it has nothing in that she needs to make her daytime stay at your house comfortable or convenient. What benefit is there to her, apart from going for a snoop around?

Even the ironing was likely not intended as a favour, but as a ruse to be in there. It's also perfectly possible to technically 'help' somebody by doing something with good intentions - objectively a favour - that they nevertheless don't want somebody else to do for them and want to do it themselves. Forced help is no help at all.

I know my mum would snoop. Not just a little look, but a proper dig about. She has even "accidently" opened mail delivered to my house in the past. I was in another room when it arrived. She doesnt have keys and isnt left alone.

So yes, I'd put a lock on the door. I wouldn't say anything to her. If she raises it, you know you're right but you could say that your child has been going in and there are things you don't want him getting into in there.

I would kill to have a mother who would look after my children and do my ironing. YABU.

@SafeToUse thank you ❤️ and sorry you went through this too

Your parents continuing to go into to your bedroom as an adult is weird, they have problems with boundaries. If you want to continue to accept help from them the. I suggest a lock on your door.

It’s so ridiculous when posters say just ‘pay for childcare then’ - like this is an easy option - op might not be able to work 1 day a week without free childcare! It’s sooo expensive in this country!!!
op I get it - it feels claustrophobic- had it with my mum… on the face of it how kind she folded your washing or whatever! And you can’t complain etc!

Gosh, are you this horrible in real life? You’ve obviously got a massive chip on your shoulder about something 🙄

Oh please. A few posts in and things weren't going OP's way, then comes the big drip feed. If her privacy had been invaded growing up, she would have countered this when her parents came round.

Get a lock in the door.
if she invaded your privacy as a teen then you’re going to feel the same now. It’s ok.