To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

In that case you're going to have to speak to her.
Does she have form for pushing boundaries?
I don't understand pp saying you have to put up with it bc you're getting free childcare.

Where are you meant to draw the line, oh DM is rearranging my cupboards, digging up my garden, painted the front door purple but it's ok bc she gives me free childcare.

I do think you are entitled to privacy even if you are getting "free childcare"

I’m with you OP, it’s snooping and I wouldn’t like it either.

They have no reason to be in your bedroom if the door is firmly shut, and that will stop the baby crawling in there (which sounds like a shite story anyway)
Get a lock if needed.

Your update puts a slightly different slant on it.

Initially I thought you were being unfair, but after your update, then I don't think you are. In fact, knowing what she was like in the past, I wouldn't be overly keen on this childcare arrangement - I would prefer it to happen in her house. Difficult if it's free, though.

So, with your update in mind, no you are not unreasonable and I would be looking to revise the childcare arrangements to avoid her being in the house and having opportunity to repeat the same behaviours.

I'm surprised so many people think you are over reacting. Babysitting doesn't give the right to overstep. From what you've said, I think your mum finds snooping acceptable. I would prob just get a lock for the door or just leave out the biggest dildo ever on your bed, that'll make her regret being nosey surely 😂

But there is no reason she needs to go in so nothing in there has connections to looking after a child

hold up… you are the poster who’s parents had an open door policy to the bathroom even in to your teens and 20s!! Mum and dad would both come in while we were in the bath to ask something, or wash hands in bath water (went on into our 20s. We'd also have to take things in to them when they were in the bath

so this entering your bedroom is surely no surprise to you whatsoever! (And very civilised of them considering bathroom open door policy!)

Yikes!!

Given your past experience and your sensitivities it would be better for your relationship with your mum, if childcare wasn't at yours so that she isn't left alone at your house.

You know how she behaves and don't trust her. If you are still struggling then the arrangement isn't right. Change it.

You know the saying ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.’.(Albert Einstein)

The point is that it's a favour, not a professional service and that it's provided within the usual reciprocity of a family. You can sit down and 'redraw the boundaries' and potentially lose all the goodwill in the arrangement. It seems a big price to pay for putting away any personal items and making your bed.

Is their bedroom off limits to you?

I wouldn't think twice about entering my parents bedroom so it goes both ways.

@dddilemma I did say this to my partner 😆

I mean, this.

With your updates
and the enforced open door bathroom policy throughout your teens and twenties

I am speechless you are leaving your baby in their sole care

I'm going to go against the grain and say that if your door is shut then they shouldn't be going in there.

I hate my mum going into my bedroom, but then again, she's very nosy, so I know she will be looking at my things and judging them. My parents did to childcare for us and I just put up with it. I did ask them not to go in though, it wasn't fair on my now ExH to have his MIL poking about, so I would go at it from that angle.

It depends on the person

If my mil put a pile of ironing on my bed,I wouldn't give it a thought and I'd just thank her

If my own mother did the same I'd go batshit

The difference is,I adore my mil

She would have done it out of love and wouldn't have dreamed of nosing in drawers or my wardrobe,she would be in and out (in fact,unless invited she properly wouldn't dream of going into my bedroom)

My mother (who I'm nc with) is a narcissistic bitch who would have snooped at every square inch,every drawer,every pocket of my clothes and would have properly lifted the bloody carpet to have a nose

That's the difference

Your mum's behaviour when you and your siblings lived at home was bordering on abusive. Did your dad used to come into the bathroom when you were having a bath when you were in your 20s? If so, that is a real red flag. Your parents didn't see you as autonomous adults separate from them, but extensions of themselves.

I would pay for childcare to stop these patterns repeating with your own child. What would they say/do if you put a padlock on your bedroom door? You husband doesn't like this either. Does he know what they were like when you lived at home?

Wait, your Dad came into the room when you were in the bath in your 20s? Very weird. I suggest lock on door if you need them to do childcare.

Wait, your Dad came into the room when you were in the bath in your 20s? Very weird. I suggest lock on door if you need them to do childcare.

Stop leaving your baby with very weird people op

Surely if this were the case the op wouldn't have her child in the care of her parents at all?

This makes more sense why it’s such a big deal!
In which case, having put up with decades of similar behaviour from my parents I would say yes, work on your boundaries.
its interesting that you don’t feel comfortable to say to your parents ‘I’m going to keep our bedroom door shut while we’re out, feels weird anyone going in there’ let me guess, they have a history of being the injured victim if you ask for a reasonable boundary?
in my experience, I learnt the hard way, once you have kids with parents like that it’s like the floodgates open and they feel your home and life is accessible to them whenever they want so I’d be looking at setting the tone in a grown up, polite manner that you are entitled to privacy.

I think installing a door lock is reasonable under these circumstances. There are discreet ones like eg if you have round door knobs there's a lock design that integrates the keyhole into the knob, or a mortice type with a key that's more like a stick. If she says anything you can laugh it off as being an advance precaution as you know that once the baby is a toddler there will be no stopping him and you want to make sure he grows up understanding and respecting privacy and boundaries.

I don't think you are unreasonable, given that your mum has a history of being invasive like this.

@clickjaw they're n9t dangerous people, I obviously wouldn't leave my baby with them if I thought they were. They both gad odd upbringings and were trying to do their best

Not sure patronising her is the answer either really. She's obviously had children of her own so think she would be aware of hot irons around crawling babies.

OP, it sounds like you knew what your mum was like before you asked her to babysit. Perhaps ask her if you can drop the baby round to her house instead.