To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

No, just not gullible.

Did you and your siblings ever ask your parents not to come into the bathroom when you were having a bath? If you did, what was their response? I assume that there was no lock on the bathroom door.

You have said that you mum would get upset if you raised this and would cry and say that she was a bad mother. What if you said that your husband didn't want her to come into his bedroom? Would she accept that or would she respond in the same way?

I really wish people wouldn’t post stuff like this.

Not sure why there are so many replies basically saying you’re OTT @Gummybearmum, I’d feel the same! The issue is the invasion of privacy - I thought it was just standard to not want your family or friends to go into your bedroom when you’re not there! Other posters basically saying how dare you demand rules for those giving you free childcare…. I didn’t think you were doing that! You’re just asking how to approach it. I’d personally just tell them directly but nicely not to go into your bedroom. :)

I voted yabu but seeing she has a history of snooping YANBU.

I'd not say anything. I'd just add a lock to the bedroom door. If she brings it up just say you are kid proofing your room now ds is getting older you don't want him crawling in there as it's a space for you and your husband as a couple not a family room.

Or don't add a lock and have some fun with it. Leave out a massive dildo, some porn mags, etc. 😏 make her regret snooping lol.

No that's ridiculous

There is nothing wrong with expecting some privacy

If they had a home office, could the GPs go in there?

Can the OP go in her parents' room? Or her partner?

Even without the extra context that OP gave, this behaviour is still clearly unreasonable to somebody with healthy boundaries - either as the parent or as the adult child.

Can I come to yours and have a snoop around your bedroom in exchange for putting your bins out for you? I'm doing you a favour, so fair's fair, right?

@thepariscrimefiles yes we did, it was laughed off as us just being silly. My youngest brother did properly get angry about it when he was a teenager. They just said he was over reacting and laughed it off again. When he returned from uni, he really set boundaries on this, which I'm so proud of him for. I'd already moved out by then.

If I know you're a snoop, you wouldn't be invited.

So your mum is a snooper with no regard for the privacy of family members as you were growing up.

I would have your DH put a lock on the door. No need to say anything at all.
If she asks, say he did it as he doesn’t like the idea of anybody in his private, personal space, his family have always been keen on privacy, - and actually you happen to agree with him.

Some parents never grow up.

As in, they never develop and evolve as their children do and remain in adult / child mode forever.

Especially if they themselves had a shit childhood which sounds like the case. It may be she went through things you don't yet know about - I learned something 😬about my mum's childhood only recently.

So they never learned appropriate behaviour, boundaries and response. It's incredibly sad.

You have the opportunity to break this three generation pattern.

I know you're afraid of her reaction. You need to adult up, too. Maybe some therapy and assertiveness skills training could help you.

Your OH is quite right to want your privacy as a couple.

Practice your clear, calm statement to her.

'Mum, we really do appreciate your help and your time with DC. Please don't forget that our bedroom is our private space - if the door's closed, it's private. Now, do you fancy a piece of this cake?'

Then if it happens again, put a lock on your bedroom door.

(Why there wasn't a lock on your childhood / young adulthood bathroom may be a conversation for later.)

If it worries you/your partner, just make sure the door is closed then the baby won’t be able to get in! You could ask your DM not to go into your room as DP likes to feel it’s a private space.

Just say to your mother you know she was trying to be helpful but you would rather she didn’t do your ironing (you could say it embarrasses your DP). Alternatively, just leave the ironing downstairs and let her do it if she wants to!

I once did a pile of ironing, mainly DD's partner's shirts, while I was looking after grandchild, while the baby was napping. My DD later asked me, with some embarrassment, not to do it again as it made her DP feel awkward and he was happy to do his own ironing. No problem, I just ignore the ironing heap now!

Regardless of the "drip feed" I stand by my point, her parents have no reason to go into her bedroom unless it's directly related to getting something they need to care for her DC. If the door is closed then the child can't crawl/wander in there causing them to follow. Just because they are caring for her DC does not mean they can wander freely in and out of her private space

My parents would genuinely have no issue with me going into any room in their house, they would still say it was my home. They're really not awful people. I just wouldn't want to go in myself, as I feel, after growing up like this, that privacy is important.

@Gummybearmum im going against the grain here.

You're not unreasonable in the slightest to have this boundary of privacy in your own home.

Just because someone is doing us a favour, doesn’t mean that we have to accept things that make us uncomfortable.

Your parents sound kind and helpful and I understand you don’t want to upset them.

Maybe ask your partner if he is ok with you using him as the excuse ‘Do you mind not going into our bedroom? Dave isn’t used to it thanks! Want a cup of tea?’

‘Sorry, Mum, but could you please not go into our bedroom - dh is uncomfortable with it and feels that that it should be our private space.’

You could perhaps add that he grew up with rather more ‘private space’ boundaries at home, which is why he feels like this.

YANBU. I can only imagine that people who don’t understand were afforded some privacy as teens. I honestly wouldn’t tolerate it, it’s why my mother doesn’t have a door key to my house anymore. Looking after your child doesn’t give them the right to poke around your home and go into spaces that you’ve said are private. I think it would be fine to say “mum, I found a pile of ironed washing on my bed. I know I said before, but I’ll ask again- please don’t go into my bedroom, for any reason. Thank you”. Don’t thank her for the ironing as it will encourage her.

So you are saying that OP is lying about her childhood because the thread wasn't going OP's way?

It was obvious that there were other issues not included in the OP, otherwise a normal mum with normal boundaries doing some of her daughter's ironing wouldn't really be an issue. It's the continuation of OP not being allowed any privacy or any boundaries, even though she is now an adult not living at home that has led to OP posting on here for advice.

They used to ask you as a teenager to come in and bring them stuff whilst they lay starkers in the bath Op… of course they don’t mind you wandering in to any room

So put a lock on your bedroom door and tell them they don't need to do your ironing. Problem solved. As for privacy boundaries to pass on to your children, use your experience to decide that one, accordingly.

I'm nearly 60 and mine has medical and financial stuff. Sex toys and the very needed lube. I remember my son in law, legitimately (for keys they'd forgot to hand over when going on holiday) going into his parents bedroom and he's never quite got over finding his elderly parents sex stuff. As often written about, people store their wills and wishes there, so they can be found in the event of an accident.
You give people privacy. I'm about to tidy/clean and do a days ironing for my DD, who is on holiday. I'll have to go into her bedroom (she knows), but even though I'm her 24/7 childcare (and part housekeeper), I wouldn't without exemptionally good reason. I make a point of saying to my granddaughters, that I can't go searching for things, they'll have to wait, so they learn good boundaries and respect for other adults privacy.
@Gummybearmum put a lock on the door. Unfortunately she won't change. I get that the control might be anxiety induced.

Can you say you are baby proofing the house so as pp suggested put locks on the doors you don't want your LO going into, then you won't offend her.

My ex-MIL once went into our bedroom and stripped the bed, inc mattress cover. She was of course ‘doing us a favour’ but a marital bed is a little personal… luckily my toys had been tidied away 😳

OP I think in your case there’s nothing too intrusive - a glance from the bedroom door will show there’s a pile of washing and if she’s bored, helping you out with a little ironing would seem (to her) perfectly reasonable. It might be a very small price to pay for free, trusted childcare.

I wouldn’t stand for that either. Easiest thing is to get a lock on your door.

I voted unreasonable as I can’t work out why you would set this up to begin with. You know what she’s like and you don’t trust her, so not sure why you’d have her in your home alone. There’s nothing you can do to change her and whatever she says she won’t do anyway as she clearly has no respect for your privacy anyway. I’d either make peace with it or find another childcare solution.