To not want my parents to go in my bedroom (I'm 33 yrs old)

[Gummybearmum]

My parents have started looking after my 1 year old son one day a week so I can work. Both times they've been into mine and my partners bedroom. First time they said my baby crawled into there, so they went to get him out. Second time there was a little pile of clean laundry on our bed, when I came home mum had ironed it. I thanked her, as I know she's only trying to help, but she shouldn't have even known it was there. My partner really doesn't like it, he says it's our personal space. I agree but have no idea how to say to them..

I dog sit for my same age Dd and sil I would never put stuff in their bedroom I don't need to be snooping about upstairs, if the mum is in the bedroom what else is she looking at? Letters lying in the kitchen or maybe drawers is that acceptable because family and free childcare, its such a shame the op thought her mum would be respectful in her home but as I said nosy people rarely change ime.

@Gummybearmum actually I've just read your updates and see that yes, your DM does have problems with boundaries.

There's nothing wrong with you not wanting her in your room.

But you probably need to factor in that to establish that boundary with her might affect your relationship and childcare.

I can imagine someone like her being deeply offended so having her do childcare might be complicating matters.
It shouldn't be like that, you're allowed to have boundaries, but I can imagine your DM saying something like "after all I do for you etc"

With all your updates in mind, I wouldn't leave them alone with the child. It's just too weird. I wouldn't want that kind of pattern repeat itself.

With respect, your dad was strolling in to the bathroom whilst his 20 year old daughter was starkers in the bath

Your benchmark for what is normal is probably a bit fucked op

I wouldn’t have your parents in sole care of my baby. Not a bloody chance

And when your teen brother asked them to respect his privacy… what did they do? Laugh at him and carry on disrespecting him

This. She’s happy to get free childcare. Sounds a wee bit spoilt tbh

Yes and in the usual reciprocity of a family you're allowed to say "please don't go in our bedroom".

It's not just the op's space either, she shares it with her dp and the dm should respect both of them as adults.

Completely get why you and your DH aren't happy with this behaviour... but I'm so massively torn with the idea of someone doing my ironing for me without needing to be asked or paid!

Can you make sure you get all your washing done and then leave it for her to iron and fold neatly each week?
She'll be too busy to do any snooping then! 😉

@flipslop exactly that. My mum grew up in an abusive home environment, her mum was an alcoholic. She's tried really hard but has overcompensated I think. If I brought up any issue, she'd cry and say she'd been an awful parent. It's a very difficult situation.

You are not unreasonable. People with normal parents wont get it but I 100% do.

Unfortunately, I have found as my child has got older, that my parents actually aren't able to look after her, because they are unable to follow my boundaries around her and they continue to behave in a way that I found distressing when I was a child. It seemed easier when my child was much younger, but now she is old enough to be aware, I have had to curtail it. And that has brought with it a whole load of grief from my own experiences as a child, as well as the frustrations of not having grandparents that are able to support us either.

How about they look after the child in their house instead?

I do (unpaid) favours for family members and friends like baby sitting or feeding pets while they're away. That doesn't give me carte blanche to do what I like in their homes.
Everyone has person boundaries and I respect other people's. Mine don't override theirs just because I'm doing them a favour.
When my Mum looked after DD, she'd ask if there was anything I'd like doing whilst she was there. It's respectful and helpful at the same time. Not hard.

She won't abide by that boundary going off her past behaviour of invading your privacy. I cannot believe a parent thinks it is okay to go into the bathroom when you know your adult child is in there naked.

Get a lock fitted for your door. Lots of helpful videos on youtube on how to do this. ProperDIY channel has one about fitting hinges and bathroom mortices which is probably the best one I have seen. We have used this to change our internal doors. Personally I would instal a 5 lever mortice style, one with a key that you can take to work with you. If you can't fit that yourself, employ someone to come and do it.

@ThatCalmCat thank you for this brilliant post 😆 people making me out to be ungrateful, I'm really not! Will leave laundry in a different place in future!

It sounds like your boundaries are way, way off. It really is not normal for parents to barge in on their teen/adult daughters in the bathroom. It isn’t normal for parents to search every inch of their teen/ adult daughter’s bedroom.

Obviously your mum shouldn’t be rooting around in your bedroom, but the bigger question is whether she is safe to look after your child .

I would hate that. Can you put a lock on the door and say it's to keep your little one out?

Or she’d do the same as when your teen brother asked for privacy on the bathroom…. Laugh and totally ignore your request

Your priority now is keeping yourself well as you’re a parent (which I’m sure you already know!) be the circuit breaker 💪🏽 model healthy boundaries to your kids, believe in your self worth and your right to privacy and respect.
no one will be benefit, including your mum, from you not voicing your needs, it will become a fraudulent relationship, trust me, I’m still unpicking it 😕

The point is that it's a favour, not a professional service and that it's provided within the usual reciprocity of a family. You can sit down and 'redraw the boundaries' and potentially lose all the goodwill in the arrangement. It seems a big price to pay for putting away any personal items and making your bed.

This kind of attitude smacks of a person with no sense of privacy and boundaries. Family doesn’t give you the right to not listen to each other’s preferences. OP, just because you’re happy to accept one thing from someone it doesn’t give them the right to do everything on their terms.

You’re allowed to say yes to childcare and no to having your personal space invaded. If your mum can’t understand that, she’s not the right person to be providing childcare.

All you need to say is, ‘Mum, can you please not go in my room, I’m not comfortable with that and need you to respect mine and DH’s personal space. It’s really kind of you to think of the ironing but I don’t need that done and it’s more important to me that you respect our privacy.’

Don’t open it up for discussion or accept any whining from her - just repeat, repeat, repeat.

Well, you can ask them not to go in your bedroom but given your updates, is it likely that they will just ignore you and go in there anyway?

Thank you kind posters.
It always astounds me how many bullies there are on platforms like this. I'll happily take a 'yes you're being unreasonable', but there's no need for such personal attacks. You never know what people are going through and how much unkind words can mean.

I’m sorry you had to endure this x

I was going to say leave your ironing basket downstairs but pp beat me to it.

i don’t think you’re unreasonable, even before the update. If you don’t want someone in your bedroom that is a totally reasonable boundary. First you have to verbalise it, then put a lock on the door.

What do you you keep in this secret room?

Ours has a bed and some clothes!