To want to leave the US but DH is dead against it?

[BotAsp]

Bit of a rant tbh. We’ve been in the States nearly 6 years now (moved for DH’s job), and I’m just so done. The politics, the healthcare stress, the guns in schools — all of it. DD is 4 and starting pre-K in Sept and I’m lowkey freaking out. It all feels so alien and I just want her to grow up somewhere I don’t have to worry about lockdown drills or insane medical bills for a cough. I miss the NHS like mad.

DH thinks I’m being dramatic. He loves it here, his job is good, we’ve got a nice house, etc etc. But I feel so trapped. We barely have any proper support, I feel like I’m constantly having to translate everything — culture, language, even bloody humour. I’m homesick and just want to be able to pop round to my mum’s with DD and not need a 10-hour flight and 3 weeks off work to do it.

I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts it down every time. Says I’m not thinking long-term and we’d regret moving back. But honestly I don’t see how it’s worse than this? I’d take a smaller house and rain over anxiety meds and school shootings.

Has anyone been in this boat and come out the other side? Just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to here who gets it. Don’t want to drag DD back and resent DH forever but don’t want to stay and go quietly mad either.

Is it me? AIBU?

You need to leave now, before it becomes detrimental to your dd to leave.

Your DH is being selfish not to at least consider a move home. You tired it, it didn’t work.

“I wouldn’t move back for the NHS mind you - more and more people going private here because of NHS waiting lists/gatekeeping/resource stretch .”
I agree, but if they have the money to pay, private here is going to be a hellavalot cheaper than any health care in the US.

So, your husband would rather stay in a country where his daughter will grow up with fewer rights just for being born a girl (healthcare) than leave to secure her rights because he has a cushy job and likes his way of life. That doesn't speak too well of him.

Homesick is ok but the NHS is not as good as you think more like a post code lottery and schools have knife and gangs issues so it really depends where you DD goes. It is not worth living within a culture you feel alienated. Unfortunately, your husband may see the positive side of things.

Completely unfair of your husband to:

• Agree 2-5 years then change the goalposts to 'forever' after you're there, effectively trapping you
• refuse to seriously consider or compromise on something that has the potential to make you deeply unhappy

If the agreement was 3 to 5 years max, and you’re at 6 years and he won’t consider moving back then he has changed those terms unilaterally.

Are you already on medication for anxiety due to your current lifestyle? Or are you worried that’s where you’ll end up?

Do you have children currently in school?

Even in rural Somerset we have lockdown drills. Twice they've been actual lockdowns, not drills. Once because a mentally ill person was wandering naked on the border of the school grounds. Another time a pupil was having a mental health crisis and had gained access to a (low) roof. Both times the events came to a safe conclusion.

I had a child in US elementary school aged about 5. He talked about "Doctor Drill", which he described as all hiding under desks or in a stationary cupboard. I've only just realised it wasn't a cute name that they used to not scare the children, but he'd misheard "Lockdown Drill"!

Back to the OP, we didn't regret moving back to the UK, for all of the reasons you gave. My DH is American, but he fully supported my reasons and made the move back happen, knowing that I said I wouldn't uproot the children and move back to the US in the future.

Yanbu if it had only be a few months I'd say give it a bit longer but you've done 6 years.

I work with teens in a vast number of London state schools and none of them ever do lockdowns or lockdown drills. The worst I've heard was a fight between two Year 7s where the Head accidentally got smacked in the face.

This 🙌

As an American who now lives in the UK, you couldn’t pay me to move back to the US, especially with a daughter.

I'm in the US, with young children, one just started school. We are in a very liberal city, so likely less drills, but I did see the school email saying they were doing lockdown day, and yes, it did wobble my head and I had a "what am I doing here" moment, but by and large I love it here, and I wouldn't want to move. I know someone who was married and moved back home as the wife was very unhappy, missed UK family/friends, couldn't cope with two and no immediate support etc. The husband moved home with her, did not want to, dragged his feet the whole way, struggled to find jobs in the UK paying a fraction of what they earned here. They divorced in a year as the resentment was a big issue/factor. He wasn't happy in the UK, and I think will always be resentful that the children are there now so he can't leave. His salary is much lower, the schooling isn't as good, the weather, activities aren't what they wanted. If your DH supports you and the move, then go for it. I'd recommend talking it through with a good couples therapist tbh.

I agree, my 6 year old told me about lockdown drill he'd had.. it's not really spoken about much here. I think they made it out "what to do if an animal got into the school grounds" and fluffed it up rather than saying a shooter/terrorist etc, but they still happen. I live in a very rural, low crime area and our high school was in lockdown a couple months ago because someone wanted by police was escaping near the school grounds. Also depending on area, gangs/knife crime is very much a problem.
The nhs is also at an all time low. Just think things through we'll before you decide

Yeah exactly – feels like he’s moved the goalposts without even admitting it. Every time I bring it up he just brushes it off like it’s a pipe dream, but we did agree on a time limit when we first came. I wouldn’t have said yes otherwise tbh.

Not on meds yet but I’ve had a few panic-y moments this year where I thought I might need to speak to someone. I’m not sleeping great and constantly on edge about the most random stuff – just doesn’t feel sustainable. Not saying the UK is perfect but at least it’s familiar.

Schools in a nearby town here in England have been in lockdown today,The UK is not a safe place nowadays.All sorts of nutters on the loose,this one was arrested fairly quickly thankfully ,before he got anyone with the machete he was chasing people with.

Write him a letter. Remind him you have been there longer than expected. Say you need to understand why he insists on staying and why he wont talk about it.

Although I totally appreciate why you’d want to come back, do brace yourself if you do for the unfortunate state of the nhs now. I fully support the idea of it, but in practice, it’s so on its knees it’s actually a health risk at this point: waits for operations, things missed due to pressure on too few staff (leaving due to conditions and pay.) Getting a GP appointment can feel like trying to break into the White House. I have dual citizenship of another European country and am giving serious consideration to moving for this reason alone.

6 years is a long time, you've given it good shot. If it's not for you, then it's not for uou.
What I will say though, is be really sensible about what you're moving back for and make sure it actually exists/is possible. Reverse culture shock is a real thing, family and friends have moved on without you, lots has changed and won't be as you remember.

It is not statutory that schools in England do lockdown drills but it is 'strongly recommended'. We do them at my primary school, but we don't tell the children we are doing it. We just practise locking up quickly and make sure everybody knows which doors they are supposed to do.

You’d be mad to give up a paediatrician and health care you can access for the NHS. It’s truly dire now and dangerous. You also need to decide if you’re happy with 30 kids in a class in the uk.

It also really depends on where in the US you live. People don’t seem to grasp how different the laws are state by state never mind the education systems. Massachusetts might was well be a different planet to Oklahoma.

@BotAsp ah, I think it’s really unfair of your DH to act as if you hadn’t made that agreement originally, especially if he knows you’re unhappy at the moment too. I’d be disappointed that he doesn’t seem to care about your welfare and happiness in this equation.

Do you think that suggesting couples counselling might make him realise what’s going on here?

Are you wanting to move to your hometown? Is his family in that same town? Does he want to be close enough for your mom to just pop around like you want?
Maybe the compromise would be a different bigger town in the UK?

I will say I don't think he's wrong for changing his mind once he's actually experienced something. Staying 3-5 years is just an idea based on the unknown. People can change their minds once they actually know what they're giving up.

Can you start by suggesting a move to a nicer neighbourhood and see if that helps you, a new home, a nicer area. Then you are giving it a good try and have more ammo if you really want to return to the UK

@BotAsp what are you worried specifically? As in what makes you anxious? Does your DH not have healthcare through is job? I only ask because we have moved from the UK - and the healthcare we have had so far is much better than the NHS… obviously it’s private as they deduct it from your pay but our kids have seen a paediatrician (which they never did in the uk) and get a yearly check up.
When we left a year ago we moved out of an area that was at first nice and family friendly (originally when we moved in) but had just completely transformed. Cars being stolen from the driveway, kids being approached on the bus and being mugged - not saying that everywhere in the UK is bad but I don’t think it is the same that it was 6 years ago to be honest. Crime seemed to us on the rise. If you are worried about school shootings - which I completely get - could you maybe consider a private school - they are not immune to it but statistically the risk is lower - so it might ease your mind. Nowhere is risk free.
Now if the problem really is missing the UK - which I get completely- and friends and parents then the only solution is to return.
maybe do a pro con list and see where you are?

I moved from the UK to the US and would never go back to the UK. My kids are in high school. Healthcare, abortion, guns - none of these things cross my mind except when I read about them in the news. As I would if I lived in the UK. And my reaction to them is the same: I'd never live somewhere where these things are a worry to me (we have excellent healthcare through employers, abortion is legal, guns are less prevalent where we are than knives are where I grew up in London).

Some people aren't suited to life away from family and their hometown, and that's ok.

I wouldn't be suited to a not-major city in the Midwest. It was a condition of my moving here that we live in a major metropolis the shortest possible flight away. It's was a good condition to have set. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in this country.

Having said all this, the most worrying thing about your post is the disconnect between you and your DH. You need to get him to listen to your concerns and address them. You can't live your life as a passenger on his journey.