To want to leave the US but DH is dead against it?

[BotAsp]

Bit of a rant tbh. We’ve been in the States nearly 6 years now (moved for DH’s job), and I’m just so done. The politics, the healthcare stress, the guns in schools — all of it. DD is 4 and starting pre-K in Sept and I’m lowkey freaking out. It all feels so alien and I just want her to grow up somewhere I don’t have to worry about lockdown drills or insane medical bills for a cough. I miss the NHS like mad.

DH thinks I’m being dramatic. He loves it here, his job is good, we’ve got a nice house, etc etc. But I feel so trapped. We barely have any proper support, I feel like I’m constantly having to translate everything — culture, language, even bloody humour. I’m homesick and just want to be able to pop round to my mum’s with DD and not need a 10-hour flight and 3 weeks off work to do it.

I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts it down every time. Says I’m not thinking long-term and we’d regret moving back. But honestly I don’t see how it’s worse than this? I’d take a smaller house and rain over anxiety meds and school shootings.

Has anyone been in this boat and come out the other side? Just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to here who gets it. Don’t want to drag DD back and resent DH forever but don’t want to stay and go quietly mad either.

Is it me? AIBU?

This is very simple- you agreed on something (3-5 years) and he's broken the agreement. You are 100% in the right here. "I want to move back like we agreed" is an absolutely acceptable reason to want to move back - even if the US was a great country, it's not your home.

While knife crime is awful and I don’t doubt lockdown drills are always upsetting, there is no comparison to the US and guns. There is a when not if feeling relating to when it will impact your child even if only tangentially. Guns are the number one leading cause of death in children here.

I find on MN people are absolutely convinced British schools are ahead of so many countries. I've seen this on threads about the USA, Canada, Australia, and NZ!

American children start a year later, so of course they're behind at primary. You do not necessarily need a foundation year to go to university in the UK (I am absolutely positive because we checked into oldest going back): they will accept AP or IB tests. The difference is twofold: the high school diploma is a floor of basic achievement, like getting a certain number of GCSEs. Second, the UK system (Scotland a bit less so) emphasises depth. The US offers less depth and more breadth. Since English universities are built around English educated students, of course the Americans aren't as prepared in their single subject. They haven't necessarily been learning less, but what they learnt wasn't relevant to the degree course. But they are prepared for American style degrees, which require distribution subjects (and were originally based on the Scottish model).

On top of that the US does not have a national curriculum so the quality of education varies from place to place. My eldest is at university here and my second is in high school; the best students at their school would absolutely compare to the best students in England.

In general, the Northeast measures the best on educational outcomes. New England, New York, and New Jersey all rank highly in many quality of life measures, including healthcare and crime. The difference in statistics between Massachusetts and Mississippi is stark. (I live in the mid-Atlantic, so this isn't personal bias.) It's almost like two different countries.

I haven't read the full thread so might be repeating others but please don't come back here for the NHS! It is beyond broken. They're pretty good at patching you up in an emergency but anyone who can afford it also has private medical and without that you're left taking your chances.

Also, we do lockdown drills here too. Parents won't necessarily be aware but we do, in the same way we do fire drills.

Quality of life in the UK is grim and getting grimmer.

I'm not saying don't come back, but just pointing out that your first two reasons aren't really reasons. Coming back for culture or family is different

I wouldn’t want to live in the Midwest either. Could you try a different state?

Most households do not have a gun. It’s just that those who do are very loud about it. obviously it differs from state to state but I have never lived anywhere where it was normal to own a gun and the anti gun groups have always had widespread support. I have lived in the U.S. for over 20 years and have only ever seen a gun on a cop or armed security guard.

I lived in the US for 3 years before kids. We waited to start a family until we came home.
I enjoyed it for a while but there's no way I would live there now, especially with children.
No NHS, the politics, just the alienness of it every day gets you down.
The fact that you have tried to settle and are now on anxiety meds should show your DH it's time to go home.
An American friend of mine has a similar situation and they are making it work by living in two places.
They moved to Texas for a couple of years, her DH job is in Texas but she hated it there despite the mansion. It's too hot, the girls are teens, the politics are awful there and she felt like an outsider. She moved back to the East coast and they now have two houses. Her DH has hybrid working and goes in to the Texas office a couple of days a week, working remotely the rest of the time. He travels around for work anyway.

Would your DH work consider something like this? People do commute like this. It's expensive but he could do a week in the US every month or something? Worth asking?
It's understandable that you want to come home and now is the time. Literally the next couple of months would be ideal.

I have close family in the US and was considering whether to move there but decided to stay in the UK. Even though I would have been better off financially there. Here is my two pence:

1. NHS - I would not hear anything bad about it. It is amazing. I had a serious illness and the care I got was outstanding - all free. I constantly hear my family waiting forever in the US to get appointment, constant stress of stuff not being available on their (massively expensive) insurance and having to pay hundreds for the medication. Private does not mean better! Besides, if you hate NHS so much and would rather go private get yourself BUPA, they are not bad and actually affordable - I had them though work but found I dont need them so quit.
2. Shooter drills - come on, there are no lockdown shooter drills here. We live in a rough London area and no one ever heard of it. Max we had is kids being robbed outside of school, and then we had police patrolling and parents asked to come pick up kids. We dont have shit like 7 year olds trained to hide under desks and wear bullet proof backpacks.
3. Culture and people - America is just so weird. I dont understand their humour and the whole class system, and I really dislike the accent and affectations. It all feels...immature somehow?

Anyways, not for me.

Your reasons all sound 100% reasonable.

For those people talking with disdain about the NHS, why don’t you compare having a serious illness like cancer between both systems? I don’t think anyone has ever gone bankrupt in the UK due to medical bills!

I also feel for your DH if he enjoys the job and lifestyle though.

how about agreeing to stay in the USA for another 3 years, save as much as you can to afford a nice home in the UK? Your children will still be in primary and the move at that time won’t affect them much.

I'd be a bit careful of this. DH is what's known as an adult third culture kid, or ATCK, meaning he spent the bulk of his childhood outside of his passport country, and moving between countries multiple times. Kids can appear resilient on the face of it, but issues show up later in life - maladaptive survival mechanisms for dealing with loss of community, friends, culture, language, smells, food, pets and any one place called "home". DH has been in touch as an adult with the people he knew in one country as kids, approximately about 20 of them - the bulk as adults struggle with PTSD, depression, rootlessness, a sense of never being able to settle, of never truly belonging, and difficulty in relationships with people, especially those who assume they're one culture instead of a mix. The hardest hit seem to be the "hidden immigrants" - those who move back to their passport culture as teens or young adults who are assumed to be at "home" but are not.

I can see these things in DH - eg when he's leaving a situation now (job, community group or whatever) he just shuts down all relationships about a month prior. Disappears. He can be present but not really there. He's not even aware of doing it, it's automatic. When we visited his "home" country (place of birth and some teen years) he's almost like a different person as he shuts off the part of himself and his relationships that exist in the country he lives in as an adult. And every few years he gets a really strong need to upend everything about our lives, and feels very very trapped and depressed staying put. These are coping mechanisms and consequences from a childhood spent between nations and cultures. All of his siblings struggle with this to varying degrees.

No doubt there are kids who are totally fine with moving countries multiple times. But there are many who aren't. They just put on a brave face because that's what's expected. The coping mechanisms are often under the surface and adults very often aren't aware of these being present in their kids.

That's not to say OP shouldn't look to moving or that terrible things will happen if they do or do not. But I guess whatever is decided, keep talking to your child, and get them a counselor to process any changes. Give them a voice. It's what my DH wished he had as a child and never knew how to ask for it.

People going on about lockdowns in this country should educate themselves on the scale of the problem in the US. In 2024 there were 56 school shootings in the US. 269 people were wounded or killed in school shootings in ONE year. Similar stats year on year. There has been one school shooting recorded in the UK (ever) OP is not being paranoid imo.
Other issue is healthcare. It's great in US if you have a good job but if you become unwell or can't work you're in trouble. My cousin had to move back to Europe leaving her whole family behind after living in US for 30 years because her insurance wouldn't cover the drugs needed for her rheumatoid arthritis- readily available on the NHS. It's also the disparity I couldn't bear. While one person gets to see a paediatrician every year another can't even access basic pre-natal care.
I love visiting the US- food, people, climate, but give me my miserable damp little house any day. If this country goes to pot (Farage gets in etc) I would consider moving abroad but not to the US.
OP try to have a sit down with your DH and calm discussion through therapist if needed.

Do you live in the Midwest? I lived in the Midwest outside of a big city for 3 years and guns were commonplace. For hunting and target shooting rather than anything more nefarious but still common. Firearms and ammunition are for sale in Walmart.

YANBU. We’re an Anglo-American family and have chosen to live and bring up our kids in the UK. We’d earn 4x what we earn here if we moved there but there are enough other reasons to stay in the UK.

One of them is old stuff. We live in a beautiful, ancient town. Plenty of Tudor cottages on the high street and a medieval castle. Something about all the history around us is very grounding.

We do lockdown drills but it’s not the same as sending your kids to school with a bullet proof backpack, or telling them they can’t have light up trainers at preschool because it will make them stand out if they’re hiding in a heap of people.

Very interesting to hear about your husband's experience -and sad. I guess I was referring to children who have moved once, from one country to another, not multiple times (these are the children I've been in contact with). Obviously, the situation may be different for those children who moved all the time between countries...

We did the “there’s a dog in the playground” type lockdown when I was at school 40 years ago thinking about it. We did t call them lockdowns though.

My kids have never had a lockdown drill in the UK!

@BotAspI haven’t read your thread properly because I am going to work now. I just wanted to say that I was in a similar situation in Australia. Two children and we went for my dh’s work. I really resonated with what you said. I was absolutely torn to shreds on MN for wanting to come back to the UK. I should have been grateful. My kids would not get into a school, I would not get seen by a doctor, it’s cold. All that shit.

I later found that two of those posters, both in Australia, had shit marriages and were more trapped than I was so had little choice but to tell themselves that it was a better life there.

Anyway, we did come back. Children settled in relatively quickly. They are still with their actual family after all. I don’t regret coming back because this is my home. I was exhausted by being an immigrant.

We have them at kids primary in Kent

Schools!

My children have never once had a lockdown drill! I don’t think it’s that common here, maybe in cities? Not in rural Cumbria that’s for sure! 😳

I would say you do have a few years. Younger children handle the adjustment better and even if the system is a bit different in the UK children do catch up. I wouldn’t worry about those first few years. Not to say you should stay, but you have some flexibility about the timing. It’s secondary age children who find it difficult. Social adjustment depends very much on the child at any age but the educational adjustment becomes more significant the higher you go.

Doesn't really compare with the 23 school shootings that have happened so far this year in the US, leaving 9 people dead and 33 injured, though, does it?

Things are worse here. We have lockdown drills in schools too. Stabbings are really high here too. I want to move away! It's very difficult to get a Dr's appointment where I live. I ended up going private and having an operation! There is nothing good about living here. I'd stay where you are.