To want to leave the US but DH is dead against it?

[BotAsp]

Bit of a rant tbh. We’ve been in the States nearly 6 years now (moved for DH’s job), and I’m just so done. The politics, the healthcare stress, the guns in schools — all of it. DD is 4 and starting pre-K in Sept and I’m lowkey freaking out. It all feels so alien and I just want her to grow up somewhere I don’t have to worry about lockdown drills or insane medical bills for a cough. I miss the NHS like mad.

DH thinks I’m being dramatic. He loves it here, his job is good, we’ve got a nice house, etc etc. But I feel so trapped. We barely have any proper support, I feel like I’m constantly having to translate everything — culture, language, even bloody humour. I’m homesick and just want to be able to pop round to my mum’s with DD and not need a 10-hour flight and 3 weeks off work to do it.

I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts it down every time. Says I’m not thinking long-term and we’d regret moving back. But honestly I don’t see how it’s worse than this? I’d take a smaller house and rain over anxiety meds and school shootings.

Has anyone been in this boat and come out the other side? Just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to here who gets it. Don’t want to drag DD back and resent DH forever but don’t want to stay and go quietly mad either.

Is it me? AIBU?

I will add to Idahogal’s response… the two houses work pretty well in my opinion. It’s a good balance between population and states, since laws have to be passed by both houses.

It means that California doesn’t steamroll the rest of the country and at the same time Wyoming has to work to get consensus if it needs something.

Now you’ve got me googling alligator hunting laws in Florida. And the answer is no…you can’t hunt alligators without a permit or out of season and likely not within most city limits. 😁 this is the second new piece of information I’ve learned from MN today.

Your family’s illnesses don’t annoy me and yes I’m charming. I’m telling you that your experience doesn’t tell the whole story of the NHS’s state. I don’t care if you use it or not. You should if you need it, why not. Be realistic though, if everyone used it as much as you did, they’ll probably not exist anymore so If someone has access to same or better wherever they are, why tell them to come burden an already overwhelmed system. Many reasons to return home but NHS is not one of them. It may not even exist in a few years. Take this however you want.

Most of the states weren't even in being when the Founding Fathers decided this. There weren't the huge imbalances between California (1850) and Texas (1845) and Wyoming (1890) or Montana (1889). Just the original states, all predominantly rural, with tiny populations—under 4m all told, which is smaller than the city I live in—much smaller. Industry was given a boost after the Revolution, to replace English imported goods, but even after it most people lived by agriculture, with a small class of landowners, merchants, lawyers, politicians, etc.

The original Constitution allowed for slavery and excluded women, Blacks, and Native Americans from the vote. About half of the Founding Fathers owned slaves. Their creation isn't set in stone. It's a man-made document, imperfect and limited. It has been altered to reflect changing circumstances, attitudes, and values. A representative democracy ought to be that.

My MIL lives in Florida….theres literally nothing appealing about it for me 😂😂
I live in the desert, so I’m good with it being hotter than the surface of the sun for 5 months of the year, but Florida humidity can fuck right off 🤢🤢
Too many beasties that want to eat me.
Endless buzzing insects - another perk of the desert = practically zero insects because there’s no water 🫠
I’d never get DH off the golf course.
And if we’re being honest, all the completely mental news stories you hear that sound like they are straight out of a cartoon almost always begin with headline “Florida Man” 🫠🫠😂😂😂😂😂

In every school, primary and secondary. My dd's school had a real lockdown incident this week, so thankful for all the drills they do.

All of this, guns are the number one leading cause of death in children in the US now and it’s only getting worse.

And healthcare while you’re working is all fine if you have that, but once you retire, then it becomes an ongoing expense. If you stay here long enough that you decide to get naturalized that can cause you tax liability if you move back to the UK. If your children stay longer than age 18 and are citizens, then it is also messy for them to renounce that once back in the UK, again potential lifelong tax issues. The school systems are also not comparable so the older children get the harder that becomes too. The longer you’re there the more complex leaving becomes.

The US has multiple levels of elected officials, including judges and county sheriffs.

Citizens have opportunities to vote for a huge range of officials and representatives at municipal, county, congressional, and state level. There were five pages of contested elections the last time my DD voted. Races included countr commissiiners ,county board president, local township president, village president, library board members and president, elementary school district board members, high school district board members, water reclamation district, states attorney, a state Supreme Court seat, county sheriff and I can't remember the rest. People exercise a lot of choice over their lives via local and state elections.

I don't know why you believe there's no culture of private gun ownership in the UK.

You can find a breakdown of legal ownership of firearms and shotguns in the various regions, England and Wales, Scotland, and NI, online.

There are plenty of British citizens who own shotguns and firearms, maybe for hunting, but who knows.

I live in the suburbs of a big Midwest city and have never seen a gun here aside from those carried by police. The place where I live was a gun free zone until a few years ago when the USSC ruled that that had to change. It's a very safe and community minded place. The nearest Walmarts do not sell guns or ammo. I have no idea how far I'd have to travel to find one that does.

There were actually 330 school related shootings in 2024 in the USA

YANBU - nothing could make me bring ip
a family in the us just now. Even more so
with a daughter.

And private gets more expensive as more people demand it - and is a tiered system based on how much you pay for which policy . Private will have waiting lists soon if not already…

This just highlights to me how completely differently the US and the UK are. I couldn't imagine living somewhere where life is so cheap.

My friends moved to the US when their kids were in primary - they have complained about the gun culture, the drills at school, the cost and quality of food and the obscene medical bills too. But their adult kids are now culturally American and the opportunity to leave with their kids has gone. Their kids don't want to live in the UK and my friends don't want to live in a different country from their kids. So they are a bit stuck. They hadn't factored that into their decision at the time.

Most schools now have a policy and practice Due to Martyn’s law this will increase too.

Really Midwest is too big a term, there's a huge difference between say Minneapolis suburbs and rural Missouri. You can definitely see firearms in Walmart within an hour of St Louis.

I've lived in the latter, it's culturally very different to the UK, and I can see that for some people certain aspects, such as gun ownership, hunting and shooting rifles at summercamp would be uncomfortable.

OP says she lives in the Midwest outside of a major city, but even then there's a massive difference between a college town like say Columbia and Cape Girardeau.

(I found religion more problematic than guns!)

I'm very grateful that I live in the second most religiously diverse county in the US (I believe #1 is Queens, New York). It is so different here, there's no dominant group and it changes the atmosphere completely. In parts of the south and Midwest, evangelical Christianity gets very dominant. The Northeast is actually the least religiously observant part of the country, New England particularly.

Completely disingenuous, you cannot own a gun for self defense purposes and there is no right to arms.

75% of people want gun ownership rules to be tightened 37% of that figure believes in outright ban.

Gun crime is often the result of imported firearms.

As I say, completely ridiculous comparison!

If criminals valued their lives and don't want to face armed resistance, they can just not commit crime.

So a violent robber is willing to kill to steal something, but it's not okay to kill the robber in self defense?

But you also risk situations like Trayvon Martin where innocent people are shot and killed by wannabe vigilantes who don’t like the way they look. Not many robbers are willing to kill, actually, but the easy access to guns makes it more likely. Just as those who carry a knife are more likely to be injured or killed by a knife, the same is true for guns.

And @mathanxiety guns are not easily available legally, and you have to have a VERY good reason to keep one in your home rather than at a licenced gun club. They are also limited in terms of power and automation, so nobody here can have an automatic weapon or and assault weapon. It’s just not a thing. Private gun ownership (outside of farmers) is just not part of British culture.

Obviously it's sad and tragic when innocents are shot. George Zimmerman managed to successfully argue self defense, I don't know the specifics of the case. Robbers might not be willing to kill, but they'll be willing to severely hurt someone. I literally wouldn't feel sad if a robber died.

In America you have the ability to defend yourself, in the UK if someone pulls a weapon out on you, your best hope is to run.

I only read up to page 7 so sorry if this has already been said…
I don’t think it really matters which is the ‘better’ country. What matters is how you feel. You can think about things- education, politics etc rationally and make an informed decision. However, what you are missing goes far deeper.
I’ve lived in a few countries, some beautiful places and very much enjoyed my time there, knowing they were temporary.

Honesickness doesn’t adequately describe what you’re feeling. It’s almost an acute sense of wanting to get back to your people, your heritage and your ‘tribe’ . It’s a very primitive reaction but one that goes way back to our ancestors.
I'm not saying that people can’t move away and be very happy because they obviously can. Likewise many people can move away and have an extreme almost indescribable yearning to return home.
What you feel is what you feel.

OP seems to have vanished (I really can't imagine why!) but I wonder if just going back to the UK a bit more often if there is the cash (flights are v cheap right now as the US is becoming a bit less attractive to tourists). I've lived here 30 years and though I'm very happy here, there's nothing like being among London accents and my local area again and that gives me my "fix" a couple of times a year.

I was born in the UK and have lived all over the place and have never felt at home . I long to live abroad but exh wouldn’t hear of it