To want to leave the US but DH is dead against it?

[BotAsp]

Bit of a rant tbh. We’ve been in the States nearly 6 years now (moved for DH’s job), and I’m just so done. The politics, the healthcare stress, the guns in schools — all of it. DD is 4 and starting pre-K in Sept and I’m lowkey freaking out. It all feels so alien and I just want her to grow up somewhere I don’t have to worry about lockdown drills or insane medical bills for a cough. I miss the NHS like mad.

DH thinks I’m being dramatic. He loves it here, his job is good, we’ve got a nice house, etc etc. But I feel so trapped. We barely have any proper support, I feel like I’m constantly having to translate everything — culture, language, even bloody humour. I’m homesick and just want to be able to pop round to my mum’s with DD and not need a 10-hour flight and 3 weeks off work to do it.

I’ve tried talking to him but he shuts it down every time. Says I’m not thinking long-term and we’d regret moving back. But honestly I don’t see how it’s worse than this? I’d take a smaller house and rain over anxiety meds and school shootings.

Has anyone been in this boat and come out the other side? Just feel like I’ve got no one to talk to here who gets it. Don’t want to drag DD back and resent DH forever but don’t want to stay and go quietly mad either.

Is it me? AIBU?

Haven't been in your shoes but I don't think this is so much about the US but more about being a migrant. It must be incredibly difficult, to have to constantly feel like a fish out of water, to not get cultural jokes or references, to not understand social norms. I feel for you OP. Many of my colleagues are migrants and have periods of being down over it, especially those from very different cultures

My daughter's London secondary school has lockdown drills.

We moved back after 4 years for the reasons you say. My decision mainly and DH was going along with it as it was what we had agreed in advance.
You are in a tricky situation because if he won't move, you can't legally move your DD and you are trapped there. I'd advise that you don't mention that (and hope he doesn't know) and that you wheedle him into agreeing to move back by hook or by crook. Maybe even say it's a trial run for six months or something. Once you are back your legal position is much better and you can stay. I'd hate to be raising a daughter in the states now, it's not just school shootings and shite healthcare the creep of organised misogyny is really worrying and the trump administration has all the makings of a new type of autocracy.

You say 'Midwest', OP, but is this a state that executes/kills people? If this were me, I simply wouldn't want a child/grandchild of mine growing up in a state that practises capital punishment.

We moved back to UK 5 years ago. I truly wish we hadn’t. School (outstanding) was truly dreadful. Knives in school, awful in all aspects. Don’t give up the access on demand to healthcare & annual pediatrician checkups etc. the wonderful opportunities for travel/road trips etc. You could homeschool in the US if that’s possible. The positives of the US far outweigh the positives of the UK.

I'd only live in the US if it was like a big city or near a big city. Like things to do, good unis, lots of industry.

Tamworth and man with machete ?

We moved back from Singapore when our DC were 9, 6 & 3.

I felt the absolute hard line had to be starting secondary school, so would have liked to stay another year (even though my DH is Singaporean and I am British, he wanted to come back to UK and I didn't).

The DC have all done well educationally, though it was hardest for the 9 year old - I feel she built a resilience & steely core because of it which has served her well in life (she's now 35).

However your situation is different because you do not enjoy living in US whereas I was very happy in Singapore.

I mean. They'd just not have to be a murderer or rapist?

I hope all the people who moan about the UK read this.

I think the important bit is that you’re not happy, OP. Would a move to a different state be an option? These threads never go well on Mumsnet…there’s such huge amount of anti-American sentiment usually from people who don’t understand anything beyond headlines.

You could easily say I don’t want to live in a rainy, cold country with horrible tiny houses. I don’t want to live somewhere they let people die on trollies in corridors and where access to basic healthcare is largely impossible. I don’t want a country that starts formal education at 4 when children really aren’t ready in a system so underfunded that they have 30 kids crammed in a classroom and teachers are leaving in droves. Or where secondary aged kids are the most miserable in all of Europe. You’d be describing the UK.

Read what?

We are in Yorkshire (not inner city) and my DC had lockdown drills at both primary and secondary

If you you agreed 3-5yrs and you’re now on 6 years and he shuts the discussion down and thinks you’re being dramatic, I think you’re stuck there. I would be resentful because you’ve kept your side and he must be able to see/listen to you saying you don’t like it.

The thread, obviously.

We are in north London private school and my kids have lockdown drills here too.

DC secondary school here in the Midlands have lockdown drills. They’ve been stepping it up recently after some schools in nearby towns have all had issues with knife threats.

I have been in the US for four years. 3 years in one city and 1 year in another. First city we found incredibly difficult ( although I know friends who wouldn’t live anywhere else). Second US city we are all more settled now and happier and I can now see us being here at least 5 years. I now no longer have a desire to head back. Although for me it was less an absolute desire to head back but just not be in that city in the US.

Although moving cities is still hard is there a desire to try this first?

Re: schools, obviously a huge change you and your daughter. And the mention of lockdown drills sound terrifying, In reality they’re dealt with sensitively (I have an elementary aged kid). My daughter has never really mentioned but in the briefest of terms but maybe she’s too young to understand.

For comparison though, leaving UK primary school stories out of it for now, in secondary a disgruntled ex pupil set a firework off over the fence into the playground at Lunchtime. Fortunately, no one was injured (including my son) but it was scary. There were hand held metal detectors in the school, CCTV everywhere and regular bag checks. In both cities in the USA from High school to elementary that my children attended they have been, to date, so secure. Not to say something couldn’t happen ofc but I have felt confident in the procedure put in place.

i also wouldn’t be relying on the NHS. Fine if your on deaths door but family members are having awful problems trying to get seen. My mum went private to get a diagnosis and then denied further NHS care because she skipped the year long queue. So depending on your health insurance here you could end up paying there too, But if you don’t have great insurance maybe heading back is worth it?

Only you know what is right for you but your husband owes you the conversation, it’s a scary feeling when you’re not in control and potentially feel trapped. You need to know your voice is heard and that in itself may allay some fears.

IF you decide to come home with DD, please do your research as I’m pretty certain that according to US law (varies slightly state to state) you cannot leave your state’s boundaries without your DH’s agreement. I know someone British who is stuck there until her equally British born DC are 18 as her British husband (who moved to the US with her) refuses her permission to leave. Even for a visit.

So l lived in the US for a similar length of time.
Healthcare - do you not have decent insurance via your DH work? It was a faff to administer but id take the medical and dental service over the NHS any day of the week.
Similarly schooling - is there not provision in your DHs compensation package to pay for private or international/British school if one is available?
The comment on translating things i don’t really relate to ant all.
We moved back and and as others have said you realise just how poor a state the UK is in when you do. NHS, run down town centers, under funded services eg the police…if we had the opportunity we’d seriously consider moving back. Ironically one of the reasons we moved back was to be closer to family but we actually probably see less of my parents now then before but that’s a different story…

I feel the same but know that it may be different if I lived in a small midwestern city. I am very lucky with where I live and the bubble I am in of like minded people and a state that is aligned with my values (CA). If you do have to stay OP you really should talk to someone about your anxiety about guns etc., terrible things happen but the fear of this stuff shouldn’t impact your daily life. Also, are you able to work in person in the U.S.? WFH can be very isolating especially if your spouse is in the office and you are not from the area. At least having an in person job could help you fell like you belong more.

Yanbu.

I have two sets of cousins who grew up in the US as their parents moved out there for work. All of them moved back here as soon as they were adults. Their parents I think would like to but feel they have left it too late.

Never been but it does seem like a fucked up country. YANBU.

Yeah, don’t move for the NHS. And don’t expect to get a dentist. It’s 10+ years wait here before you can get on the registration list.
8 hours in A&E for a broken elbow on a child. Misdiagnosed bowel cancer as piles, person was within six months.

and there are lock down drills everywhere in the UK. Even sleepy rural primaries.
Knife crime can be rife.

come back if you really want to, but do NOT romanticise that the UK is safe and the NHS is magic.

Yanbu
The NHS is rubbish
Your chances of getting an NHS dentist are pretty much nil.
Putting those issues aside I would still rather live in the uk. Our friends in the US complain about having to drive everywhere, there is far more violent crime in general. Their kids have far less freedom than ours, School shootings are virtually non existent here though, yes there are issues with knives in some secondaries.
I would look carefully at schools in the areas you may plan to move to as it is a real lottery decided by catchment area.
If you can afford to pay for decent healthcare and live in an (affluent?!) area with good schools then you’ll be fine,