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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This isn’t fair

194 replies

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:09

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating. He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week. For context: I am a SAHM and he has never been hands on. Always complains about having to help with the kids, never changes nappies (we have 2 under 2), literally never cooks and justifies his actions by dangling his business over my head. He claims he works too much as it is and parenting should be my job. Well we both came to the conclusion that our relationship was toxic: I hate his controlling and lazy behaviour and he hates how he gets no free time. He proposed that we work on our relationship by him never having to come home during the week so he is able to go to the gym, go out with friends or go on trips which he has already started planning for. I also manage a business but on top of that have to watch 2 babies for 14 hours straight with no break. He suggests that if he watches the kids on the weekend (even though he will just ask his mom to anyways) that it’s fair as we will get the same time away from the kids. I don’t understand how his worked that out. In a nutshell, I told him kick rocks and I don’t want to be with anyone that selfish. If he wants to act single he can be single. He only wants to stay together so I don’t meet anyone else and his already said if I go on holiday he would not feel comfortable as my friends are all promiscuous in his eyes. Am I being unreasonable to think his got a screw loose?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 04/06/2025 15:11

You would be better off alone

My19thNervousNameChange · 04/06/2025 15:11

It's not just him with the screw loose if you even consider getting back with him.

hydriotaphia · 04/06/2025 15:11

Don’t get back with this horrible person. You are better off without him.

LittleMissNumber · 04/06/2025 15:12

I can only assume this behaviour is new otherwise why would you have had one kid let alone two with him.

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:13

My19thNervousNameChange · 04/06/2025 15:11

It's not just him with the screw loose if you even consider getting back with him.

Loool I needed that.

OP posts:
TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 04/06/2025 15:13

He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week.

Ew, isn’t he a peach! He should WANT to spend time with his children.

vodkaredbullgirl · 04/06/2025 15:13

Please don't get back with him.

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:14

LittleMissNumber · 04/06/2025 15:12

I can only assume this behaviour is new otherwise why would you have had one kid let alone two with him.

His business started making money so either he changed due to his new financial status or his mask slipped. He used to be so caring and kind now he is as selfish as they come and treat our kids and I like we are a burden.

OP posts:
MatildaMovesMountains · 04/06/2025 15:14

YABU for even contemplating a reunion. Keep your sanity, bin him off.

Swiftie1878 · 04/06/2025 15:14

So remind us why you’re considering going back to this nonsense?

TaupeRaven · 04/06/2025 15:14

Why on EARTH are you getting back together? You're honestly making a conscious choice to (re)enter into a relationship with someone who is setting a condition that he (further) disengages from family life?

MatildaMovesMountains · 04/06/2025 15:15

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:14

His business started making money so either he changed due to his new financial status or his mask slipped. He used to be so caring and kind now he is as selfish as they come and treat our kids and I like we are a burden.

THEN BIN HIM OFF FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!!!

whitewineandsun · 04/06/2025 15:15

The fact that you're asking this question... just stand your ground. Of course you're not unreasonable!

whitewineandsun · 04/06/2025 15:17

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:14

His business started making money so either he changed due to his new financial status or his mask slipped. He used to be so caring and kind now he is as selfish as they come and treat our kids and I like we are a burden.

Why are you even considering letting a man back in who thinks his children are a burden? Tell him to fuck off for their future if not your own.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/06/2025 15:17

Do not even consider getting back with this lazy, self centred bastard.

So he wants to get back together just to stop you meeting someone else, but wants to put terms and conditions on it, so that he adds nothing to your life? Bin him!

You’d be much better off apart, with him paying maintenance for the extra time you look after the kids, and having them himself during his contact time.

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:18

whitewineandsun · 04/06/2025 15:15

The fact that you're asking this question... just stand your ground. Of course you're not unreasonable!

As stupid as it sounds, his is a very good manipulator. He spun it in a way that we both get time for ourselves. On the weekend he was supposed to be watching the kids and on both days he got his sister and his mom to watch them. Then when I asked him to come help out the kids to sleep he said I’m taking out of his time. He won’t watch them anyways and if his mom or sister aren’t available he will probably drop them with whoever can take them.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 04/06/2025 15:19

He’s told you what he is. If you take him back, you are accepting what you are going to get. Therefore, you do not get to complain any further.

Or, you could just continue you are, making a success of life without him.

MagpiePi · 04/06/2025 15:20

I'm assuming that you do know that he is a total knob and you shouldn't be touching him with someone else's barge pole, but he wants some kind of proof that everyone else thinks the same.

toomuchfaff · 04/06/2025 15:20

This really does need a laughing emoji.

Did you laugh in his face when he said he didn't have to parent because "its not fair, I need to go to the gym and be allowed to play out"

Because fuck that guy.

Just stay single - rather than add a man-child to the household. Have some self respect. Let him have some custody, then he can be a real parent....

MadamCholetsbonnet · 04/06/2025 15:21

Honestly just tell him to fuck off and get proper legal advice. I suspect he has got advice whilst you were apart and is scared and shocked to hear what the possible outcomes would be for him.

DontTouchRoach · 04/06/2025 15:22

FFS, why on earth would you get back together with this man? He's repulsive.

Comedycook · 04/06/2025 15:23

I'm confused....you're a sahm but also manage a business?

ThatCyanCat · 04/06/2025 15:24

If the only way he can sustain a relationship is not to be at home and see his family all week, then palm the kids off on weekends, then there's nothing to sustain. And you aren't a SAHM if you run a business too.

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:25

Comedycook · 04/06/2025 15:23

I'm confused....you're a sahm but also manage a business?

Yup. I get jobs for a sub contractor. Do it when kids are napping or a bit settled. On top of all the demands of 2 infants. And he thinks his life is so hard and he needs a break. He came home at 12 yesterday and wondered why I was annoyed.

OP posts:
Richandstrange · 04/06/2025 15:26

Fuck that noise OP, he's a joker and yanbu to laugh in his face as you wave him goodbye! Reread what you've written about him today every time (and there will be multiple times!) he tries to worm his way back in, he is an absolute waste of skin and you and your babies will be a million times better off without him.

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