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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This isn’t fair

194 replies

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:09

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating. He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week. For context: I am a SAHM and he has never been hands on. Always complains about having to help with the kids, never changes nappies (we have 2 under 2), literally never cooks and justifies his actions by dangling his business over my head. He claims he works too much as it is and parenting should be my job. Well we both came to the conclusion that our relationship was toxic: I hate his controlling and lazy behaviour and he hates how he gets no free time. He proposed that we work on our relationship by him never having to come home during the week so he is able to go to the gym, go out with friends or go on trips which he has already started planning for. I also manage a business but on top of that have to watch 2 babies for 14 hours straight with no break. He suggests that if he watches the kids on the weekend (even though he will just ask his mom to anyways) that it’s fair as we will get the same time away from the kids. I don’t understand how his worked that out. In a nutshell, I told him kick rocks and I don’t want to be with anyone that selfish. If he wants to act single he can be single. He only wants to stay together so I don’t meet anyone else and his already said if I go on holiday he would not feel comfortable as my friends are all promiscuous in his eyes. Am I being unreasonable to think his got a screw loose?

OP posts:
Pinty · 04/06/2025 19:47

You will be unreasonable to go back to him. You know what he is like and he isn't going to change.
You are much better without him.
Make sure he supports his children financially

Cherrysoup · 04/06/2025 19:48

You’re in the process of getting back together despite all of his insane conditions?! What the actual?! Please tell me you’re not serious!

ThisCantBeRightCanIt · 04/06/2025 19:49

MadamCholetsbonnet · 04/06/2025 15:21

Honestly just tell him to fuck off and get proper legal advice. I suspect he has got advice whilst you were apart and is scared and shocked to hear what the possible outcomes would be for him.

^ this^

Wishihadanalgorithm · 04/06/2025 20:23

Tell him you’re happy to split up and that 50:50 with the children is the way to go. Watch him run a mile.

Then, at that point tell him you won’t get back together and make sure you’ve got as many financial details about him as you can whilst you run to a SHL.

He is an awful man and you must never agree to those terms. He is an absolute piece of work if he expects you to accept those ‘terms’.

Carlou · 04/06/2025 20:50

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:09

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating. He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week. For context: I am a SAHM and he has never been hands on. Always complains about having to help with the kids, never changes nappies (we have 2 under 2), literally never cooks and justifies his actions by dangling his business over my head. He claims he works too much as it is and parenting should be my job. Well we both came to the conclusion that our relationship was toxic: I hate his controlling and lazy behaviour and he hates how he gets no free time. He proposed that we work on our relationship by him never having to come home during the week so he is able to go to the gym, go out with friends or go on trips which he has already started planning for. I also manage a business but on top of that have to watch 2 babies for 14 hours straight with no break. He suggests that if he watches the kids on the weekend (even though he will just ask his mom to anyways) that it’s fair as we will get the same time away from the kids. I don’t understand how his worked that out. In a nutshell, I told him kick rocks and I don’t want to be with anyone that selfish. If he wants to act single he can be single. He only wants to stay together so I don’t meet anyone else and his already said if I go on holiday he would not feel comfortable as my friends are all promiscuous in his eyes. Am I being unreasonable to think his got a screw loose?

so let me get this straight...he wants to come back to you but not take ANY responsibility for his children????? Um m.... no.

Silvertulips · 04/06/2025 21:57

So he’s asking for worse terms than when he left …. And you took him back?

Get rid.

He’s taking you for a ride.

Tell him you are happy with 50:50 and half the holidays etc …

Dont go back to work full time until the divorce is settled.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/06/2025 22:33

I'm confused. I thought she wasn't taking him back?

Silvertulips · 04/06/2025 22:38

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating

Its literally the first line of the post.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2025 22:45

When you have a baby and the loser you’ve saddled them with as a father doesn’t change nappies, that’s when you don’t have sex with him again and risk giving another innocent child the same selfish, fucking useless loser as a dad.

Come the fuck on.

ThatNewMoose · 04/06/2025 22:51

He sounds utterly vile.
You would be insane to get back with him. Holy fuck what have I just read

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 22:54

Silvertulips · 04/06/2025 22:38

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating

Its literally the first line of the post.

Sorry that wasn’t after his new toddler like demands. We had separated due to communication reasons. During that time his got a taste of life without kids and come back with these horrible conditions to getting back together. I have since told him I want to divorce completely and have no communication with him. It’s disgusting how he sees the kids as a punishment he’d rather be away from.

OP posts:
Inertia · 04/06/2025 23:13

Both you and your husband seem to believe that he is the boss of you.

He isn’t.

LittleGreenDragons · 04/06/2025 23:30

Silvertulips · 04/06/2025 22:38

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating

Its literally the first line of the post.

Yes it was, then her other posts seem to say different hence my confusion. OP has since clarified. Thankfully she's decided on divorce instead.

CountryMumof4 · 04/06/2025 23:30

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 22:54

Sorry that wasn’t after his new toddler like demands. We had separated due to communication reasons. During that time his got a taste of life without kids and come back with these horrible conditions to getting back together. I have since told him I want to divorce completely and have no communication with him. It’s disgusting how he sees the kids as a punishment he’d rather be away from.

Good - stuck to your guns. You'll have to have some form of communication with him if he wants contact with your children, but it doesn't need to be much. He sounds vile and your life won't really change without him given he does nothing for you and the kids. I've been a single mum and you can absolutely make it work. Always remember that you are strong and powerful. Laugh in the face of any man that tries to set terms and conditions like that. What an absolute bell end.

Tortielady · 04/06/2025 23:34

@Raynaodld where did you dig this treasure up? And when are you putting him back? Post up the date and venue and we'll help you throw a party because he's horrible and you'll be well rid. 🎊🍾👏🎈

Clickjaw · 05/06/2025 06:24

What a waste of energy so many posters have invested in to this thread.

As evident from this thread and the many threads from the Op about her marriage before this one… nothing will change and these children will continue to exist in this very dark family household

it is is the sad reality

Petitchat · 06/06/2025 12:14

Clickjaw · 05/06/2025 06:24

What a waste of energy so many posters have invested in to this thread.

As evident from this thread and the many threads from the Op about her marriage before this one… nothing will change and these children will continue to exist in this very dark family household

it is is the sad reality

The DC are future clients for therapy if OP remains with this ......??????
Poor kids.

Lilactimes · 06/06/2025 12:32

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 16:30

How do you find it?

Difficult at times - but it’s made me very strong an independent @Raynaodld
I do what I think is right for my family, when I think and until I was on here more regularly I didn’t appreciate what a blessing that was.
also my DD has just finished her Finals today at a really good Uni and am feeling very proud and emotional!! X x

FairKoala · 09/06/2025 19:03

Remember his business which he started whilst married to you is part of the marital assets. After all he wouldn’t have been able to start it and make it successful if you hadn’t took over childcare and the household

Starting point is 50/50 and given he doesn’t want anything to do with his children (I would stipulate that he cares for his children and doesn’t hand them over to his mother or any other friend or family member during his time with them) You will probably get more and CM.

If you are serious about divorce then make sure you have copies of both of your pension contributions and any investments or savings in his name or yours as well as any property, business, jewellery etc you have as well as the family home, cars, furniture etc

Everything is allocated a price and the judge will decide on each persons percentages

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