This isn’t fair

[Raynaodld]

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating. He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week. For context: I am a SAHM and he has never been hands on. Always complains about having to help with the kids, never changes nappies (we have 2 under 2), literally never cooks and justifies his actions by dangling his business over my head. He claims he works too much as it is and parenting should be my job. Well we both came to the conclusion that our relationship was toxic: I hate his controlling and lazy behaviour and he hates how he gets no free time. He proposed that we work on our relationship by him never having to come home during the week so he is able to go to the gym, go out with friends or go on trips which he has already started planning for. I also manage a business but on top of that have to watch 2 babies for 14 hours straight with no break. He suggests that if he watches the kids on the weekend (even though he will just ask his mom to anyways) that it’s fair as we will get the same time away from the kids. I don’t understand how his worked that out. In a nutshell, I told him kick rocks and I don’t want to be with anyone that selfish. If he wants to act single he can be single. He only wants to stay together so I don’t meet anyone else and his already said if I go on holiday he would not feel comfortable as my friends are all promiscuous in his eyes. Am I being unreasonable to think his got a screw loose?

YABVU to get back together with him.

You need some serious boundaries putting in place when you finalise this split and don't be putting up with any of this behaviour from him. No longer will you let him boss him around. Wish him a good day when he collects the children and close the door on him. Then enjoy your days off. What a horrible vile man.

You were right when you described him thinking you were all a burden. I can't believe he just doesn't want to spend any time with his children and just sees them as a chore that he needs to out source. What sort of parent/man is this. You're well shot. Are you financially independent OP? Xx Sending massive hugs that you're saddled with this waste of space. What a selfish idiot he is.

Sorry, I don’t want to derail anything… but amoeba and spider plant has me absolutely choking! 😅

Indeed. I just read the original post to my partner and she said "She's not just unreasonable to even consider getting back together with him, she's utterly stupid."

He proposed that we work on our relationship by him never having to come home during the week so he is able to go to the gym, go out with friends or go on trips which he has already started planning for.

Hahaha, who would fall for that as a way to get back together!

What a tosser.

He has completely checked out of family life and to be honest I would be suspicious.

It’s good that he’s making money: his child support contribution should be of help.

Honestly OP, the disdain he’s shown for his own children alone would make me leave this man and rinse him for everything he has got. He doesn’t have any interest in his children? Fine, they have a wonderful mother who does and he can pay handsomely for them.

Are you close to his family? What do his mother and sister think of this? Surely they are disgusted?

WTAF???
Do not entertain this fuckwit any further.

Fucking hell. My son died as a teenager. Me and DH lived to provide a happy, family home for our children and enjoyed spending time caring for them, as well as their company. I cannot comprehend how anyone sees their children as inconveniences.

This bloke is an entitled prick. LTB.

@Raynaodld wow!! that is some special kind of prince you have there!!

If you want to get back with him, for all the reasons you've listed, then crack on. You're certainly going into it with your eyes open, that's for sure.

Seriously, what have I just read!!? Do you really need to ask if this is acceptable? Tell him to fuck right off!

Picture this, in different situations, for the rest of your life. When it’s not the kids, it will be something else. He’s self centred and manipulative. I’d get out now and if his business is making significant money he can contribute via CMS.

This is a leg pull isn't it?
Very funny........😁

No one in their right mind would get back with this guy, once they've escaped.

WHY are you getting back with him?! Genuine question, what do you get out of the "relationship"? He sounds like a prick, get rid of him permanently.

I just don't understand this kind of thread.

'We are in the process of getting back together' '

'hate his controlling and lazy behaviour'

Is there even the slightest indication that he has stopped his controlling and lazy behaviour? No. Or that he ever will? No.

??? What on earth is going on in your head that you would even consider getting back together with him?

Not sure what response you're looking for OP. You sound absolutely done with him, and though we only have your side of the story, justifiably so. But maybe an outpouring of invective from us MNetters will help with the detaching/healing process! Especially if you've only just realised you married a grade A shit.

The real challenge now is to try not to let your understandable rage, perhaps tinged with some anger towards yourself for not seeing it sooner, affect your new life with your kids, who will need a loving and rational mum. Use your cold fury to drive the divorce process.

Get all details of financial information and divorce the fucker.

Erm, you aren’t asking him to watch the kids, you are asking him to parent his own children. You are not unreasonable, he needs to step up or ship out.

What the fuck have I just read?

Why the hell are you "in the process" of getting back with this useless waste of space?

Tell him to sling his hook.

@Raynaodld

Do you have any money?

Do you have a car?

Why on earth would you want to be with this man who is setting conditions and opting out of his role as a parent? Doesn't sound very loving does it..? He is just as responsible as you are for those children. Also, you are not SAHM if you are working as well.

So basically, he's saying he wants to be at home with you looking after him whilst he goes around doing what he wants to do? Perhaps he is frightened of what you would take from him if you divorced him.

I don't see what's in it for you in this arrangement?

Does he not like his children? Or at the very least parenting them?

I took an extra year off work to strategically avoid high cost of living area nursery fees, so am technically a SAHM though do some freelance work. My husband works from home, and when he finishes at half 5 he 9/10 feeds our toddler. I then have stuff to do round the house, or sometimes jump in the bath before the toddlers bath time. Then he'll bath and put our son to bed on weekdays 99% of the time, because he's not seen him properly all day and WANTS to spend time with him. Come half seven his evening is free, obviously sometimes washing to hang out or dishes etc but generally we just keep on top of that ad hoc. Weekends I do some baths and beds as he's not at work and we just go with the flow more.

I'm sick of reading about this attitude some men have that their time not at actual work is enshrined to be leisurely when they have a family. It's 100% of the day work sometimes, it just is! Or you carve free time out equally with your partner, being a SAHM gives one very few opportunities to be alone, think our own thoughts, look after ourselves. It boggles my brain that your husband can't see you need your own time to and that he should want to be an active parent all the time, not just weekends.

I stopped reading after the first sentence. He’s an arse

He’s not trying to work on the relationship at all. Please just leave him. You deserve better.