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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This isn’t fair

194 replies

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:09

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating. He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week. For context: I am a SAHM and he has never been hands on. Always complains about having to help with the kids, never changes nappies (we have 2 under 2), literally never cooks and justifies his actions by dangling his business over my head. He claims he works too much as it is and parenting should be my job. Well we both came to the conclusion that our relationship was toxic: I hate his controlling and lazy behaviour and he hates how he gets no free time. He proposed that we work on our relationship by him never having to come home during the week so he is able to go to the gym, go out with friends or go on trips which he has already started planning for. I also manage a business but on top of that have to watch 2 babies for 14 hours straight with no break. He suggests that if he watches the kids on the weekend (even though he will just ask his mom to anyways) that it’s fair as we will get the same time away from the kids. I don’t understand how his worked that out. In a nutshell, I told him kick rocks and I don’t want to be with anyone that selfish. If he wants to act single he can be single. He only wants to stay together so I don’t meet anyone else and his already said if I go on holiday he would not feel comfortable as my friends are all promiscuous in his eyes. Am I being unreasonable to think his got a screw loose?

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 04/06/2025 15:27

OP, if you have a daughter and on the future future she told you this about the sperm donor of her kids … what would you say to her? There is your answer

Lolapusht · 04/06/2025 15:28

Do NOTHING until you’ve got the full financial picture of his business/family finances.

He’s shown his true colours and clearly has no intention of being part of a family. He’ll see the money from the business as “his” so there’s a high probability that he’ll hide funds and make things as difficult for you as possible. He resents the fact that his time is taken up by being encumbered with a family so he’s going to resent having to pay for something he has no interest in.

He is a pathetic excuse of a man and not worthy of having a family. There’s a lot of them about unfortunately. Really sorry you’re having to deal with this and that’s he’s let you down. Take control and get your information before you kick his useless ass to the curb.

🦆🦆🦆🦆

pinkyredrose · 04/06/2025 15:29

He's a right wanker. Did he not want children? Do not get back with him!

Lolapusht · 04/06/2025 15:30

Also, you don’t actually need him. You’re doing everything at the moment anyway while earning. You are not a SAHM, you work!!

You’ll be doing everything you currently do but won’t have to deal with his nonsense which will make your life so much easier.

beetr00 · 04/06/2025 15:31

@Raynaodld

"He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week"

Shocking.

"I hate his controlling and lazy behaviour and he hates how he gets no free time"

I recognise that you have two very young children and may think it's easier to put up with this nonsense, seriously though @Raynaodld, your life will be so much better without him.

You have already managed during the separation, find your anger, sense of self worth and move forward without him.

He is no damn prince.

Ponderingwindow · 04/06/2025 15:32

If you ever start to doubt yourself, remember that you don’t want your children growing up thinking that men should not be involved parents who participate in running the household. They deserve egalitarian marriages as much as you.

Comedycook · 04/06/2025 15:34

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:25

Yup. I get jobs for a sub contractor. Do it when kids are napping or a bit settled. On top of all the demands of 2 infants. And he thinks his life is so hard and he needs a break. He came home at 12 yesterday and wondered why I was annoyed.

In that case... don't call yourself a sahm. You work...it just so happens you're the one stuck doing all the childcare and housework because your husband is utterly useless.

VoltaireMittyDream · 04/06/2025 15:36

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:18

As stupid as it sounds, his is a very good manipulator. He spun it in a way that we both get time for ourselves. On the weekend he was supposed to be watching the kids and on both days he got his sister and his mom to watch them. Then when I asked him to come help out the kids to sleep he said I’m taking out of his time. He won’t watch them anyways and if his mom or sister aren’t available he will probably drop them with whoever can take them.

But you can see this is not fair and he’s treating you all like shit.

He can be as manipulative as he likes, but I don’t see why that should mean you need to let yourself be manipulated.

Letting go of the relationship also means letting go of the struggle and the desire to prove that you’re right. He will never agree he’s being unreasonable. The harder you work to make him see sense, the longer you stay trapped and manipulated and living at his mercy.

CustardySergeant · 04/06/2025 15:37

Did he want to have children?

Sunshineismyfavourite · 04/06/2025 15:38

I think you know what you need to do OP. I cannot believe you are considering getting back together with this man who has given you a list of terms and conditions like he's doing you a bloody favour.

Don't get back with him OP. He won't change and will probably get worse!

nomas · 04/06/2025 15:41

He is using you and the kids to present the image of a family man but he wants to do nothing for the family.

I wouldn’t co-operate with boosting his image with his business contacts.

Nonna88 · 04/06/2025 15:41

Wow. Just wow.

You are better off alone. It doesn't seem like it now, but you really will be. Especially in a couple of years, you will be grateful for the freedom. Kick him to the curb.

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:42

nomas · 04/06/2025 15:41

He is using you and the kids to present the image of a family man but he wants to do nothing for the family.

I wouldn’t co-operate with boosting his image with his business contacts.

That’s how I see it too.

OP posts:
DontSpareTheTalons · 04/06/2025 15:43

CustardySergeant · 04/06/2025 15:37

Did he want to have children?

That no longer matters. They are here now and he is just as responsible for them as OP, financially at the very least.

MoominMai · 04/06/2025 15:45

No advice, just an observation of how many men seemingly consider their job done once they’ve fathered their children. Also how they genuinely see nothing wrong with wanting to carry on gaming, gym, lie ins, going out with friends whilst their OH ‘manages’ the kids FT until they I assume they fly the nest? 🤯

Blackdow · 04/06/2025 15:46

What do you mean that he came home at 12 yesterday, why is he coming to your home? Are you actually still with him?

Seriously; are you staying with him after what he has demanded? You shouldn’t be living together.

MissDoubleU · 04/06/2025 15:47

nah. How about you work on your co-parenting relationship by you having the kids during the week, him having them (at his house) at the weekend and him paying the appropriate amount of support CMS deems he pay. Then you’re both free to find your happiness. On weekends you can go on whatever trips you plan for. See friends, find a nice man that doesn’t treat you like a baby slave. All without being emotionally tied to a man that clearly wants and intends to live the single life while getting kudos for being a nice family man.

CuriousGeorge80 · 04/06/2025 15:47

He’s an utter cunt. Walk away.

Readytohealnow · 04/06/2025 15:47

Stay single and get a job.

Clickjaw · 04/06/2025 15:48

Why is he the one setting conditions?

Does that mean he finished with you?

LittleGreenDragons · 04/06/2025 15:49

In a nutshell, I told him kick rocks and I don’t want to be with anyone that selfish

Good for you! And don't take him back even if he promises to do more. He's a weasel.

Itsonlypantsandsocks · 04/06/2025 15:49

RUN!!!

MagicTape · 04/06/2025 15:49

CustardySergeant · 04/06/2025 15:37

Did he want to have children?

OP is presumably neither an amoeba nor a spider-plant, so when he married her and had sex with her, he was making an active choice to have children.

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:50

Clickjaw · 04/06/2025 15:48

Why is he the one setting conditions?

Does that mean he finished with you?

I wish. His a manipulative control freak. When we was split up he’d still come by everyday and follow me around the house. On my day off he got his mom to watch them and asked if we could talk so I didn’t go out.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/06/2025 15:52

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:42

That’s how I see it too.

Why did you take him back?

Why did you even consider his 'terms & conditions'?

Kick him out. Put a claim in for CMS and see a solicitor