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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This isn’t fair

194 replies

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:09

Me and DH are in the process of getting back together after separating. He came back with terms and conditions saying he would only agree to work on the relationship if he didn’t have to “help” with the kids all week. For context: I am a SAHM and he has never been hands on. Always complains about having to help with the kids, never changes nappies (we have 2 under 2), literally never cooks and justifies his actions by dangling his business over my head. He claims he works too much as it is and parenting should be my job. Well we both came to the conclusion that our relationship was toxic: I hate his controlling and lazy behaviour and he hates how he gets no free time. He proposed that we work on our relationship by him never having to come home during the week so he is able to go to the gym, go out with friends or go on trips which he has already started planning for. I also manage a business but on top of that have to watch 2 babies for 14 hours straight with no break. He suggests that if he watches the kids on the weekend (even though he will just ask his mom to anyways) that it’s fair as we will get the same time away from the kids. I don’t understand how his worked that out. In a nutshell, I told him kick rocks and I don’t want to be with anyone that selfish. If he wants to act single he can be single. He only wants to stay together so I don’t meet anyone else and his already said if I go on holiday he would not feel comfortable as my friends are all promiscuous in his eyes. Am I being unreasonable to think his got a screw loose?

OP posts:
bert3400 · 04/06/2025 15:52

Forget your arse of a husband but to protect yourself financially, put your kids into nursery and get stuck in with the business. Are you a director...if not become one or at least 50% stake in the business. Then once you have your foot in the door with the business, leave your no good twat of a husband. Stop being a doormat and get clever

MagicTape · 04/06/2025 15:52

He only wants to stay together so I don’t meet anyone else and his already said if I go on holiday he would not feel comfortable as my friends are all promiscuous in his eyes.

This is really toxic and controlling, and is a worrying indicator of abuse - OP are you safe if you separate?

Handbagcuriosity · 04/06/2025 15:52

What a prize prick OP! Sorry he changed when his business took off. He is being completely u reasonable. Why is he seeing being a parent as a chore? Too right to not get back with him! What a ridiculous sorry excuse for a father! I’d be reading him the riot act

MissDoubleU · 04/06/2025 15:52

Raynaodld · 04/06/2025 15:50

I wish. His a manipulative control freak. When we was split up he’d still come by everyday and follow me around the house. On my day off he got his mom to watch them and asked if we could talk so I didn’t go out.

Why the fuck are you taking him back then!? You know it’s never going to be fair and he’s always going to be controlling. Tell him to get tae fuck. No more relationship. Change your locks.

Tomatocutwithazigzagedge · 04/06/2025 15:53

Theunamedcat · 04/06/2025 15:11

You would be better off alone

Yep, and scare the crap out of him by saying you want 50/50 custody as part of the divorce agreement.

Topsyturvy78 · 04/06/2025 15:53

You don't need this man child.

hardtocare · 04/06/2025 15:55

Run for the hills. Seriously. What an absolute turd of a man

Wishingthingsweredifferent38 · 04/06/2025 15:55

Who are the 2% that think YABU?!

Sack him off, he’s awful

Thaawtsom · 04/06/2025 15:56

Why are you even considering getting back with him?? WTAF.

Menendall · 04/06/2025 15:56

Honestly I think you’re the one with the screw loose for even considering getting back with him. You need to find your self respect and dump the loser. Honestly you’re doing it all alone anyway, it would be easier without him dipping in and out.

MatildaMovesMountains · 04/06/2025 15:56

OP, did you post this just to vent? Or are you actually taking steps to protect yourself and your children from this abusive man?

MatildaMovesMountains · 04/06/2025 15:57

Wishingthingsweredifferent38 · 04/06/2025 15:55

Who are the 2% that think YABU?!

Sack him off, he’s awful

I voted YABU because of her terrible decision making

whitewineandsun · 04/06/2025 15:57

With every update, he sounds potentially dangerous. Run away from this man, not toward him.

Beesandhoney123 · 04/06/2025 15:58

Having read your post I cannot see any benefit for you or the children. Presumably you could drop the kids at his mums without him, if you wanted a break.

I hear no mention of love and missing each other, sharing the ups and downs of life etc.

Tell him you would much rather he pay for a daily housekeeper and mother's help to cover his lack of engagement. Then he can move in and be a proper husband and father. Where does he plan on living during the week then?:)

Lighttheflame · 04/06/2025 15:58

Stop calling yourself a SAHM for a start! That is not an accurate description of your life right now.

You work!

2 jobs actually; 1) parent & household management, 2) the subcontracting.

jackstini · 04/06/2025 15:59

Why would you even consider getting back with him?

He’s a selfish cockwomble who offers nothing good to you or your dc

Tell him no. Claim CMS
Who owns where you live currently?

TeachMeSomething · 04/06/2025 15:59

Wishingthingsweredifferent38 · 04/06/2025 15:55

Who are the 2% that think YABU?!

Sack him off, he’s awful

Men.

lifeonmars100 · 04/06/2025 16:01

oh how good of him to offer to "watch" his children and only under certain conditions! A caring parent does not "watch" their kids, they should play with them, engage with them, read to them as well as attend to their physical needs such as food and nappies. The use of the word watch shows how disengaged he is. It is hard on your own but at least you would not have to listen to his unpleasant nonsense.

ForestFox44 · 04/06/2025 16:01

Fuck that shit tell him to do one!

mumda · 04/06/2025 16:02

That sounds like you may as well be on your own and be happy knowing it is all your job and that some misery isn't stealing your existence.

Lilactimes · 04/06/2025 16:03

TeachMeSomething · 04/06/2025 15:59

Men.

I’m really missing the 😂 emojis!! Bring it back MN - pls!!!

BruhWhy · 04/06/2025 16:04

Ooooo book yourself a lovely promiscuous holiday and put him in the bin.

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/06/2025 16:05

I seem to have missed the post where you explain what he does that enhances your life?

Lilactimes · 04/06/2025 16:05

I’m a completely lone parent…. I would much prefer that scenario to being with this guy.
he sounds like a dick.

Please don’t go back to him!

TiggyTomCat · 04/06/2025 16:06

In your heart of hearts you know the answer here - you get one life and a life with him won't be a happy one and you know that. Now is your opportunity to change that. Grasp it and don't look back.