Ex won’t return our 3 DDs after visit - what can I even do??

[Blueme]

Bit of a mess here so bare with.

Me and ex split 2yrs ago, not exactly amicable but we manage handovers ok-ish. He’s been seeing the girls (DD10, DD7 and DD5) EOW, odd midweek etc. Nothing court ordered, just what we agreed.

He picked them up Friday just gone, meant to drop them back Sunday tea time. Didn’t turn up. No message nothing. I called, no answer. Texted, WhatsApp, all ignored. He finally messaged MONDAY morning saying he’s “keeping them for a bit” cos he thinks they’re better off with him and I need a “break”

WTF?? I’ve said no way, that’s not how this works. He says he’s not giving them back until we “talk properly” about custody.

I’ve tried being reasonable, told him the girls need their routine and school (they’re missing it!!) and he’s playing games. He just keeps repeating the same stuff.

Have spoken to school, they were as shocked as I am. Have also spoken to police who said it’s a civil matter as we’ve got no court order

Feel totally powerless. Girls are too young to really speak up but I know they’ll be confused and upset. They’ve never been away from me this long

Anyone been through this? Do I need to go to court now? Solicitor? I’m in bits here

Any advice welcome please x

If that were the case, why haven't they?

Because it's easier for institutions to do nothing if they think they can get away with it.

Sometimes you have to advocate - push for action. Shouldn't be this way but often it is.

Hopefully by now the OP has put in the application to court - being the only authority who can compel ex to return the children.

While she waits she can continue to advocate with other authorities for the (albeit limited) actions they can take.

One Monday my dd was sent home sick. I kept her off the next day and had school attendance officer at the door at 9am...threatening fines.. Apparently dd's over 98% attendance wasn't enough...
So the for goodness sake poster can reiterate for goodness sake at the education authority not me.

I hope you got hold of a solicitor and have the girls back soon x

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
My sister went through the same - her ex wouldnt return their DC and police wouldn't get involved. She had to file an emergency court order and that still took a few weeks.

Your ex keeping them away from school - that will be helpful to you in court and in the future.

Im so sorry this is happening, I can imagine you feel sick to your stomach and can't eat feeling. Poor you and your girls

I really hope it works out for you OP

Hope you are reunited with your girls @Blueme . Did you go to his house? Do you have a brother that could go with you? Or a friend of his? Someone he doesn't want to look like a dick in front of.

Ask for a 'penal notice' adding to your child arrangement order. That makes it a police issue if he absconds with them again.

I know you want to get the court order in asap, and I hope you get a great solicitor to help. But please make sure the CAO is drafted to avoid any other conflicts. Make sure it enables you to do things like define the exact handover arrangements and time, take them on holiday without his permission, a CAO will allow you to take them out the country for up to 30 days. Just ask the solicitor if there is anything else that needs to go in now so you then don’t have to go back to court.

Any order that is granted now will be an interim order. All of that will be included in a final order much further down the line. They can be considered within an interim order too but the emergency hearing will only address the immediate issues, not holiday arrangements etc

@FortyElephants totally get that but OP needs to know this order isn’t going to fix the issues, she needs a CAO in place that covers all the control points he currently is leveraging

agree it’s shocking the police won’t do anything, like how is it ok for someone to just keep your kids and not take them to school and that’s “fine” cos there’s no court order?

Because presumably he has PR as much as you do, as much as he's proven he doesn't deserve it

You can't kidnap or 'keep' your own child.

My ex kept my two daughters off school for a month and brainwashed them.
Do this

1. Go meet with the school and ask them to write to thim by email that the children are missing school, and must return to school.
2. Always stay calm. morning, noon, evening, night. Send him messages. " I would like to speak to my children. Please let me speak to them to check on their welfare. Please send me videos of them. Please confirm if the children are in your care or that they have been left with strangers ? I do not give consent to you leaving the children with strangers when you have unilaterallly removed them."
3. please send me photos and videos proof of life !
4. Please consider mediation to settle this in the best interest of the children.
5. please let the children go to school

Do this every day, and it will build up your evidence of him being unhinged, unco-operative, and dangerous.

Passports
Your ex can always apply for a new one and claim the current ones are lost. Write to the passport office and by email that you do not consent to any new application.

Court
You need an emergency hearing for the children to be returned to you immediately. The longer it is, then his argument is the kids are in a routine, and he doesn't want to disturb it. Also apply for an order that he can't remove them.
If your children have any special needs, make sure you mention it .

Socail services
Even though they may not get involved now, YOU take control of the situation and write and email them in detail of everyhting that has happened, and with screenshots of his ignoring your requests to speak to the children or give any photos of them being alive.

I posted earlier, and I did all of this and the children were returned to me. Not UK but in a country that follows UK law.

Get school to demand that he brings the kids to school,. That way, even if he keeps them for the time being, they are in a place away from him.
Notify the education board to issue a lietter that the kids must attend school and the kids are vulnerable.

Lawyers will just tell you apply to court, but can also do the extra steps.
GAther the info to give to court

1. his whatsapp messgages ignroing you
2. your school requesting attendance and his ignoring
3. education department issuding letter to attend to school
4. your letter written to social services

Also, he will try to attack your character. Get some professional and personal character references lined up and done. Because he will probalby make accusations of protecting the children from suspected child abuse. and that you are crazy.

OP I'm sorry this must be so scary. It sounds like you have already followed the court order steps recommended so wishing you luck with that and hope you get your kids back stat. Then you can do a court arranged custody agreement so that he can't pull a stunt like this again. You also now know to be weary of his family as they have shown themselves by just ignoring you.
If you can/want to, let us know how it goes x

Any update @Blueme 🤞

Contact safeguarding lead at their school and welfare officer if he doesn't take them to school. Ask for referral to social services

Ask police to do a welfare check. They can do that.

Maybe read the OP's posts before commenting - this was a pretty fast moving thread yesterday so it would be quite strange if your suggestions hadn't already been made and responded to.

She has, they won't/don't.

Terrible. How will you trust him again. What an idiot. Do you think hes trying to keep them so he can claim hes primary carer, get benefits/council house? Given hes no job atm?

Do you know where the children are ? They may not actually be with him and passed onto. someone else which is what happened to me.
If you know the address, go round there with family and friends. Be polite , Ring the doorbell. Just ask to see the girls and get someone to video it.
I would also inform his neighbours about what happened. and that if they hear children crying or screaming, to call the police because they may be in danger.

Send him texts everyday.
please let me speak to my children.
please send me videos of them.
Please let them go to school
Please lets go to mediation and settle amicably.

You need a trail of evidence to show you are being reasonable, and he is a nutter.

It's not kidnapping because you both are parents. It's "unilaterally removing the children " , "unilaterally depriving the children to education" , isolating the children.

Hope you’ve gotten somewhere by now op and you’ve not got to spend the weekend in limbo.

I have been thinking about the OP and her girls. Really hope it has been resolved. Awful situation. ☹️