Ex won’t return our 3 DDs after visit - what can I even do??

[Blueme]

Bit of a mess here so bare with.

Me and ex split 2yrs ago, not exactly amicable but we manage handovers ok-ish. He’s been seeing the girls (DD10, DD7 and DD5) EOW, odd midweek etc. Nothing court ordered, just what we agreed.

He picked them up Friday just gone, meant to drop them back Sunday tea time. Didn’t turn up. No message nothing. I called, no answer. Texted, WhatsApp, all ignored. He finally messaged MONDAY morning saying he’s “keeping them for a bit” cos he thinks they’re better off with him and I need a “break”

WTF?? I’ve said no way, that’s not how this works. He says he’s not giving them back until we “talk properly” about custody.

I’ve tried being reasonable, told him the girls need their routine and school (they’re missing it!!) and he’s playing games. He just keeps repeating the same stuff.

Have spoken to school, they were as shocked as I am. Have also spoken to police who said it’s a civil matter as we’ve got no court order

Feel totally powerless. Girls are too young to really speak up but I know they’ll be confused and upset. They’ve never been away from me this long

Anyone been through this? Do I need to go to court now? Solicitor? I’m in bits here

Any advice welcome please x

You cannot abduct your own child who you have equal responsibility for when there is no legal agreement on where they live.

The police have already declined to do a welfare check.

Currently he has as much legal right as the OP to keep the children with him, hence the only thing to do is court.

Yes, you need a solicitor.

I user to work on these sorts of Court matters. Although, the process is likely different given I’m not from the UK.

You shouldn’t have given him any custody time without a Court order in the first place.

The longer you leave it the more likely he is of getting custody.

Given the children’s ages of 10, 7 & 5 the Courts are likely to give 50/50 custody time.

It's not parental abduction either. The OP needs to get an emergency order; once that's in place then professionals can act and it could become an arrestable offence. Until then it just isn't, no matter how much all of us wish it was.

Oh crumbs OP, you don’t think he will hurt them, do you? If there’s any risk of that, go round with a couple of your big, strong male friends, brothers, etc.

You shouldn’t have given him any custody time without a Court order in the first place.

What nonsense. The majority of people manage to co-parent without the need for a court order.

The OP is in no way at fault for doing the normal thing and having their set up between them organised between them.

Can you go and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead at the school? Tell them you are really worried for the girls safety and the police won’t act?

Maybe they can trigger something like a welfare check through him not taking them to school? And them not being reported absent by the parent who has them?

Im so sorry Op. you should call round all the solicitors in your area and keep calling back to try and get through. Hope you get somewhere soon.

OP, assuming you are in the UK you don't NEED a solicitor. Just focus on making the application and getting it submitted; I would suggest taking it in person to the nearest family court. The children would have to be with him for quite an extended period of time for it to be the new 'status quo' so don't worry about that for the time being either.

I'm so sorry, you must be really scared and upset. Has he let you speak to them at all?

Keep a written log of everything and make sure you don't say anything that could be used against you if you have to go to court for custody (anything that he could spin to make you sound angry or unstable... even though it's understandable if you're feeling both of these things right now). Definitely contact a solicitor. Maybe social services could do a welfare check and speak to him, especially if he's keeping them off school?

I really hope you have them back with you soon

Absolutely this.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if people that don’t actually know how the system works would just let those who do explain to the OP what to do

Has he called the school to explain they are not coming in? If not then the school could try and if they can not get hold of him they then could contact the police themselves and ask them to check if they are ok as the parent hasn’t taken them in and they have not heard from him? It’s a safeguarding issue if a child has not turned up for school.

The school will have the responsibility to do a welfare check. My DD2 (13) is sadly a long-time school refuser (I have posted about her before) and an attendance officer calls round once a week and she comes out of her bedroom and waves from the top of the stairs.

That’s all it involves, sadly, and it proves absolutely nothing, except that the she is at home and not in school. Which they already know anyway.

So I’m afraid a welfare check won’t achieve very much for the OP. The attendance officer can’t do much, except refer to SS, which won’t lead to anything. Hence the need for the OP to apply for an emergency court order.

No it won't be

That's not how it works in the UK. The vast vast majority of separated parents have no court oversight over contact and care arrangements.

No it's not! Not if the school know a) where the children are and b) why they aren't in school

OP has. Police are not able to act It is a civil matter, he is their parent.

My exH was the police when he disappeared with our DC’s - and nothing was carried out!

@YankSplaining It’s such a stark contrast reading about the American response to this issue. Mother calls it in, police immediately involved. Notices issued to the public, officers out actively looking, warrants issued against father for abduction, FBI involved(!). They don’t mess around, do they? They know that men that put their children through this are just trying to get at the woman involved.

Sounds like OP is getting the forms in before 4pm. Hopefully it will go quickly. What a wanker he is.

It is times like this when the OP should be able to ‘turn off comments’.

The professional expertise, experience and knowledge has been shared, by those with it.
Other information continues to be added that is nonsense, mainly where posters have not read the thread.
Confusing for the OP.

Did I say nothing?? OP is putting in an emergency court order today and has made the police aware of the situation. I have also suggested multiple times she contact social services to make them
aware too.

I was simply pointing out that your suggestion of getting the police to do a wellness check has already been tried and knocked by said police. As far as they are concerned legally the children are with an equal right parent and is not violating any court order.

Yes it is! If a parent has not called the school to say why the kids are absent then school calls them if they don’t answer then a welfare check is done - sometimes with police if they think it will be needed, in this situation it would require police. I have worked in schools where sadly this had to be carried out.
The op has told the school she now has no access and has not spoken to the children since Friday. So unless the school has heard from the other parent then alarm bells should be ringing.

If that were the case, why have the school and police not agreed to do the welfare check?

This says more about you than him tbh.

The police the op said won’t get involved as no court order, which is correct. The school need to contact the police if they haven’t heard and are unable to reach the other parent. The

A school check is just a visual one. Won’t help much. More helpful if the school send written confirmation the children are all missing from education with no contact from dad.
I hope this goes well and certainly this makes him look bad.
And write down everything, when you split, how long you’ve been co-parenting like this. Just so you have it all to hand.

Why do you think the school contacting police would change their response?

A dispute between parents who do not have a court order, the police will be reluctant to do anything as the parents need to go to court.

A school contacting them for 3 children that are not turning up to school and no communication has been given from the parent who has them as to why they are now missing school is a concern. School can push for a welfare check in these circumstances.