Ex won’t return our 3 DDs after visit - what can I even do??

[Blueme]

Bit of a mess here so bare with.

Me and ex split 2yrs ago, not exactly amicable but we manage handovers ok-ish. He’s been seeing the girls (DD10, DD7 and DD5) EOW, odd midweek etc. Nothing court ordered, just what we agreed.

He picked them up Friday just gone, meant to drop them back Sunday tea time. Didn’t turn up. No message nothing. I called, no answer. Texted, WhatsApp, all ignored. He finally messaged MONDAY morning saying he’s “keeping them for a bit” cos he thinks they’re better off with him and I need a “break”

WTF?? I’ve said no way, that’s not how this works. He says he’s not giving them back until we “talk properly” about custody.

I’ve tried being reasonable, told him the girls need their routine and school (they’re missing it!!) and he’s playing games. He just keeps repeating the same stuff.

Have spoken to school, they were as shocked as I am. Have also spoken to police who said it’s a civil matter as we’ve got no court order

Feel totally powerless. Girls are too young to really speak up but I know they’ll be confused and upset. They’ve never been away from me this long

Anyone been through this? Do I need to go to court now? Solicitor? I’m in bits here

Any advice welcome please x

Good place to start might be speaking to the advice line here: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

thanks everyone honestly feel like I’m going mad here

I’ve called a solicitor this morning and just waiting on a call back, been told I need to apply to court for emergency hearing so trying to get my head round all that now

I’ve not spoken to the girls since Fri eve before they went. He’s not letting them have their phones (old ones, just for games and messages) and won’t let me speak to them. He just keeps saying “they’re fine” but won’t give me any proof.

I’ve asked police for a welfare check but they said without any risk or history they won’t go out unless I’ve got a court order. Feel sick.

No passports at his place thank god, I’ve got them here.

No idea what’s going on in his head. He’s always been a bit controlling and likes to “win” but this is just insane. He’s not working atm either so no idea how he thinks he can look after them full time??

Kids should be in school. I’ve told the school everything and they’ve logged it but not much they can do either.

I just want them home and safe. This isn’t how you sort anything out.

Edit because OP posted same time I did!

I also didn’t want to read and run but hundred percent agree you need to contact solicitor and go to court.

I’m utterly appalled that he can just pull them away from their everyday routine, particularly with school and leave you with the fallout. I really hope you have your girls back with you soon. X

Call the police again - if he won't let you contact them how can they or anyone else determine there is no risk?

Unfortunately this is why every separated parent should have a court ordered custody agreement

Because without one no one parent is legally more parent than the other and neither is wrong till a court says otherwise to keep their child fully in their custody.

Hopefully you get to speak to and see your children soon op.

That's not how it works unfortunately. They are with a parent with PR and presumably no history of abusing the children. The police can't assume he's harming them with no reason to think so.

I’ve no ideas above what’s been suggested, but I hope they’re home soon.

OP you can make an application for an emergency hearing yourself, right now: you don't need a solicitor to do that.

Emergency application to court
Or if he takes them to school then collect them yourself early today

We went through this when we had custody of my stepson. Their mother would not return them sometimes and we would have to involve solicitors

Sorry just seen that they're not at school.
In this case, while you're waiting for solicitor and court , call the police again and ask them to do a well fare check. He could have beaten them all up and keeping them off school till their bruises heal

Hopefully you will get an emergency court hearing in the next few days. So sorry, I can't imagine how you must be feeling 😢 try your best to stay calm and don't give him any ammunition to paint you as erratic/irrational/crazy etc. He is going to be the one coming out of this looking very bad indeed. Sending you hugs OP 💐

Op can you call his mum or sibling in the meantime to ask them to get some evidence that children are ok? Maybe they'll talk sense into him?

Call 999. It absolutely is a safeguarding concern, him being their parent is irrelevant. They can't return the children (if they're safe) but they can conduct a welfare check.

Make it very clear this is out of character, against all previous patterns of behaviour and not the result of an argument or disagreement and he has refused to let you confirm with the children that they're safe and well and hasn't taken them to school.

Could you park nearby and see if you can spot them going in/out of his house? Not necessarily to intercept as it could cause distressing conflict for the dc, but so you know they're ok.

Also agree with pp - get everyone else who knows him involved.

Would SS help. Especially if they aren't going to school. Is he working? What a worrying and stressful time for you. Seems that solicitor and court is the only way to get this sorted out.

Another vote for the solicitor, asap.
You’re not the first on mumsnet this has happened too. I can’t find the old thread but in the last 6 months I’ve seen someone experience similar. Might be worth a trawl to pull up some helpful info.

No it isn't! It's absolutely inappropriate to use 999 this way and unless there is evidence that he is a risk to the children the fact that he's kept them without agreement isn't a criminal offence or a safeguarding concern.

Social services have no power here either. Only a court can intervene.

It is if she has no evidence theyre ok.

He hasnt just not returned them, he ignored communication, has refused verbal contact with the children and hasnt taken them to school. It absolutely is not an incorrect use of resources.

Oh OP this is a scary situation. I do hope there is a resolution ASAP. Is there any chance you could just go round to his place and try and talk to him in person (apologies if you’ve already done this) ?

No, I promise you, 100% absolutely it is NOT.
the law presumes that parents AREN'T harming their children unless they are given evidence to the contrary. He's their father, he has PR. The absence of evidence that they are ok means absolutely nothing in terms of the law.

I really hope the solicitor calls you back ASAP so you can make a plan xx

What everyone has already said re legal route, but is there anyone you can appeal to on his side? Any aunt, mother in law etc?

Keep it clear and factual so they can’t twist it and accuse you of being crazy and keep all records.