Ex won’t return our 3 DDs after visit - what can I even do??

[Blueme]

Bit of a mess here so bare with.

Me and ex split 2yrs ago, not exactly amicable but we manage handovers ok-ish. He’s been seeing the girls (DD10, DD7 and DD5) EOW, odd midweek etc. Nothing court ordered, just what we agreed.

He picked them up Friday just gone, meant to drop them back Sunday tea time. Didn’t turn up. No message nothing. I called, no answer. Texted, WhatsApp, all ignored. He finally messaged MONDAY morning saying he’s “keeping them for a bit” cos he thinks they’re better off with him and I need a “break”

WTF?? I’ve said no way, that’s not how this works. He says he’s not giving them back until we “talk properly” about custody.

I’ve tried being reasonable, told him the girls need their routine and school (they’re missing it!!) and he’s playing games. He just keeps repeating the same stuff.

Have spoken to school, they were as shocked as I am. Have also spoken to police who said it’s a civil matter as we’ve got no court order

Feel totally powerless. Girls are too young to really speak up but I know they’ll be confused and upset. They’ve never been away from me this long

Anyone been through this? Do I need to go to court now? Solicitor? I’m in bits here

Any advice welcome please x

Not quite. If someone raises a legitimate concern about the children, the police are required to confirm they are OK. The school could also enact a welfare visit as they've been held off without communication.

Oh god I bet he's after the benefits for them if he isn't working at the moment. What a prick.

As everyone else has said, get an emergency court order. Good luck and I hope they're back with you soon 💗

@Blueme as regards the passports, who applied for them in the first place is also relevant too! did he apply for them? if he did, then it is easy for him to get replacements and change the address to send them too. if you applied for them then you need to contact passport office asap. do you think he could be planning to take them out of the country?

It’s absolutely a safeguarding concern that he’s keeping the children off school for no reason.

OP, I cannot believe the school are saying they can’t do anything and the police won’t even do a welfare check. WTH? I’d call them both again and push.

This is what I would be doing if you know where he lives.

I have been in this exact situation, the police cannot intervene as it’s a civil matter, they can however visit and do a welfare check. In my case this was enough for my ex to return my son.

Yes quite. There's no legitimate concern, outside of the fact that he's kept them in his care without prior agreement. That doesn't suggest he's caused them any harm and a police visit would be state overreach. The school could do a welfare check but why would they? They know why the children aren't in school, because they are staying too far away to get there. Schools don't visit children at home due to absence unless they are very concerned about the child's welfare and/or there is a serious and persistent issue with attendance. Neither apply here. There is no mileage at all in encouraging OP to waste her energy and time following dead ends when she could be filling in the application form for an emergency hearing.

I wouldn’t bother with a solicitor unless you’re loaded, just make an application to the court for an emergency hearing. I’ve been in the family Court a lot, I honestly don’t think you need to spend money on representation at this stage as it’s very obvious that the girls need to be having their normal routine and changes need to be agreed . You could potentially go to a direct access barrister who can actually go with you into court, this might be better for your stress levels but if you’re not absolutely loaded, I would save your money and go self represented at this stage.
what an absolute piece of shit he is. You will have them back soon, hang in there. If you want a good barrister recommendation DM me

The school may well be in contact with Social Services. Might be worth you calling them too so they’re aware of the situation. They may do a welfare check on the girls.

I agree with asking the police to do a welfare check on the kids. You’re ex is behaving out of character, with holding the children and not sending them to school. The police can’t remove the children. Actually that’s not true, the police are the only people who can immediately remove children if think they’re in danger.

Do you not know where he lives? If my daughter's Dad had tried this I'd have been round there on Friday night not waiting til Monday morning for him to finally get in touch with you.

The solicitor should be able to get you an emergency court date to get them returned to you. There's been some good advice above about sending emails to school etc to keep a paper trail of evidence. I'm sorry op, it's a horrible situation to be in.

No it's not. They are at home with their parent, who presumably has no history of harming the children. Being kept off school for a few days is crappy parenting but it's not a safeguarding issue. What do you expect the school to do? They can't go and take the kids off him! And why would the police be visiting? He's at home with his children. Police turning up would be completely out of line without a good reason.

Ring your local education authority and state you have not given permission for them to be off and if any fines are due they can send them to his address.. With 2 parents both are liable for absence fines...
In court him keeping them off school will go against him.

The problem with this is that if you don't know the correct terminology and just turn up unprepared it could work against you in court.

I've known schools to go to homes if kids are kept off to check if they're ok as part of their policy.

I would call the school and ask to speak to the Designanted Safeguarding Lead. Tell them that you are growing concerned as your ex refuses to allow you to speak to the DC to check that they are OK and has taken their phones away so you can't contact them directly. Say that the behaviour from the ex is out of character and that you are increasingly concerned for their well being. DSL should support you with SS to generate a welfare check.

This isn't going to happen. Firstly the school would have to tell the OP if they were referring to social services. Secondly the social work team responsible would be the area the OP lives in. They wouldn't be doing an urgent visit to children in a completely different area without strong evidence that the children are at risk of harm. If anyone has referred it to social services they are likely to just advise OP to apply to court and that will be it.

Oh for goodness sake. Schools/LEAs don't issue fines like this!

You need to apply for an urgent prohibited steps and child arrangment order. My solicitor said they can be held the same day.

They may try and put it as non urgent but I would file it anyways. State on the application you have safeguarding concerns as he’s depriving the dc to their right to an education.

Oh stop being perfectly ridiculous . Of course there is legitimate concern. Why do you think their mother is worried.

And the school should absolutely at the very least call him , and depending on the outcome, follow with a welfare check.
Hell my kids’ pre-school calls me if I don’t bring my tot in with no communication, and pre school isn’t even compulsory and there isn’t the broader contact of a worried parent who can’t contact her kids!!!

Makes me furious that people minimise this shit and try to deflect.

Not minimising or deflecting, but I'm experienced in this area and I'm telling you what the law is.

Please explain, other than the fact that the father has refused to return them and they are not at school what evidence there is that they are at risk of harm enough to warrant a police welfare check?

I’ve asked police for a welfare check but they said without any risk or history they won’t go out unless I’ve got a court order. Feel sick.

I think that's absolutely shocking.

Why isn't he at least taking them to school? Make sure you log absolutely everything and record every conversation/keep texts. What he's done won't look good in court.

Do you have a new boyfriend perchance? Seems like somethings set him off, what a dick.

You are doing the right thing with going the legal route ASAP. Keep trying to contact them but I'd advise against turning up at his house in case he stages a scene and tries to paint you as crazy. Call any of his relatives if you think they will be sympathetic or at least neutral.

Court will move quickly if you push it and this will not reflect well on him. Take all the records you have of trying to contact him. Get him to put as much in writing as you can and keep your messages to him firm and urgent but calm and polite.

The school doesn’t have to tell anyone about a SS referral. They safeguard by simply acting in the best interest of the children.

Thanks all, really appreciate the replies xx

I’ve messaged his mum this morning, she read it and didn’t reply. No idea if she’s siding with him or just doesn’t want to get involved. He’s not close to his siblings, haven’t got any way to contact them tbh.

Thought about going round but scared it’ll kick off and upset the girls more. He’s the sort to twist it and say I was being aggressive or threatening or whatever. Just trying to stay calm and not give him anything he can use against me.

I might try driving past later and just see if I can spot anything. I wouldn’t cause a scene but I’m desperate just to see them.

Re: passports – I applied for all of them so at least I’ve got that in my name, they’re here with me. But yeah I didn’t think about him trying to apply for replacements. Will ring the passport office this aft just in case. I really hope he’s not planning anything mad like leaving the country but nothing would shock me right now.

Solicitor still hasn’t called back so might try another one. Just feel like I’m in a nightmare.