Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

[Mumofadultkid]

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

This is an abusive relationship.

You are being emotionally and also now financially abused and as the victim you’ve responded into victim mentality.

That’s not a dig. It’s an easy place to fall into. But that’s why you’re so scared to do what you know in your hearts is right.

It’s your daughter. If someone else was treating you like this you’d likely have walked away years ago. Not easy when you’ve given birth to the person treating you like this.

Bit you have to ask yourself - can you really enjoy the last few years of working and your retirement with all this happening?

Im guessing the answers no so you need to find the strength to follow your head and not your heart. If you can afford it I’d seek therapy to support you through it.

Have you blocked all Communication? I would leave WhatsApp and email as open channels. Keep her blocked on social media.

Blocking on everything might lead to escalation, turning up at house or something. You can mute WhatsApp, read email whenever, in your own time. Also she will use blocking as another “crime” in her eyes.

Has anything traumatic happened to her? It’s sounds similar to Borderline personality Disorder

This.

She doesn't value anything, because there is always someone to cater to her whims when she fails to live up to her responsibilities.

Please stop enabling her right now.

She sounds like a spoilt brat who like so many other young people love to tell everyone they are toxic or narcissistic.
When really it's about not taking responsibility for themselves and expecting everything to be just given to them.
I would shock her and fully cut her off. Let them sort themselves out .
And let's face it they probably won't pay you back anyway.
Longterm you are not doing her any favours by funding her or bailing her out.
Her poor behaviour will just continue.
I would also say due to her vindictive nature when it comes to your job that maybe mental health problems are a factor also . Some sort of personality disorder.

I don’t know how to go about it but I’d be taking steps now to get them off your land and if possible get the moveable house, cars and anything else you bought them back off them. I would definitely want them off my property and no longer using my utilities asap.

I'm so sorry. You've had a lot of good advice here on the practical steps you need to take. I would add that this won't be easy and your DD may increase her vitriolic behaviour towards you when you withdraw financial support (you've said its a small town). Be prepared, but stand firm, as this has to stop. You will get through this, and you will feel relieved. I wish you all the very best.

I think you need to put you and your husband first and end the relationship which will be very difficult. Sorry to say this but she sounds toxic and things can only get worse.
I do think you need some legal advice, is there any written agreement between you ?
so sorry you’re going through this sounds horrendous.

People who know the daughter will be aware of her personality I’m sure

The mortgage on the property she lives in is your responsibility so I think your options are very limited.
a) Default on the mortgage
This would harm you long term because eventually your home would be repossessed and you'd end up with much less than the market value. You'd also have to move out. She's be far more resilient to the pain of that than you. You would bear the brunt of that strain over a prolonged period.
b) Have her evicted from your property
I'm not a lawyer but I think this would be very difficult if you have no tenancy contract with her. It's effectively the same as getting your adult child to move out of the home you both live in. All you can do is ask them to go and hope they do.

I think all you can do is keep asking them to move out and hope eventually they dislike you so much that they actually do it. The stress of that will be huge for you but at this point, I think it's your only course of action.

I wouldn't block her because that reduces your capacity to convince her she needs to be independent. I'd just replay the same consistent message: we don't get on, we are both stressed by the relationship, you should leave and be independent and everyone would then be happier.

Back that up by repossessing the car if it is technically yours. Just drive it off one day and sell it. If the fuse box is in your home, you could turn it off and not allow her access to your home. No arguments, she doesn't pay for the utilities, she lives in the cold. But it's a bitter, long road.

You have been unreasonable for supporting her for so long really.

I am so sorry OP. You need to get tough now.

I hope they don’t have kids any time soon 😔

Are the movable home and cars in your dd's name? Do they technically belong to her although you financed them? If they belong to you I'd trick her into going on vacation and while she's away get rid of all of it, the cars and the mobile home. You might like to consider writing a will and disinheriting her.

your d is all over the place.

Get this horrible brat off your land and see how she copes when she has to pay her own way and stand on her own two feet.
Unless the house and car are in your name, you won’t get that money back, but it’s about time your daughter realises that if she treats people like dirt, they’ll eventually get sick of her and cut her off.

I’d make it very clear to her that she is not welcome on your land and there will be no more handouts or bills paid on her behalf. She’s on her own. She sounds awful!

you are in an abusive relationship with your own daughter. Remove her from your property, sell the mobile home and if this does not clear any outstanding debt caused by her then approach your bank as this is financial abuse and they may be able to support you (even if all they can do is remove interest from the loans) - get help from a domestic abuse charity who can talk you through the process.

but get rid of her, she is your abuser. And please please disinherit her

Yep, this.

She is toxic, and spoils everything she touches. She has learned how to manipulate people to her own benefit and sounds like a sociopath. Evict them from the mobile home, sell it or rent it out (whichever gets you the best return). Never lend her anything again. Block her. Use the law if she continues to attack you.

OP, this sounds awful. I think you're maybe so upset about this because you know this is the end of the road - you and your husband have very clearly had her back all her life, and she's thrown that in your face repeatedly. I think it's time to show her who is boss; go no contact, throw them out of the house. Hopefully the partner realises soon also that she is a toxic narcissist.

I’m sorry you are going through this. You need to take control, I’m not sure how old you are, you say you still work so under pension age. Personally I’d attack back. Sell your home, buy somewhere cheap and cheerful tell Dd you have no option but to sell, they need to move out, sell their property and get somewhere else. Let that be the last she sees of your money. She clearly has the attitude what is yours is hers and it will be hers one day anyway.
do as my friend did they bought a caravan on a park and lived the high life on the proceeds of their home and pensions. Their kids got nothing at the end when they thought they’d be left with thousands. They even left the caravan to someone else in the will.

Is she your only child?
Are you terrified of losing her?

Are you friendly with his parents? Is that a way in?

Maybe write a letter. Saying you love her but explaining why you are now doing what you are. This cannot go on.

She's never going to change hon and will bleed you dry. I have a sister just like this. You need to cut her off and make her move out. She'll likely never become financially responsible but she'll find others to fund her down the road. It's hard but you can emotionally disconnect from family members, you shouldn't let yourself be taken advantage of by anyone but especially family 💐

I suggest you find an experienced, well qualified family therapist to help you manage the relationship (you can go on your own) as this is so so messy and you’re clearly out of your depth.

It sounds like she may have a personality disorder, if so the family dynamic is a huge part of the issue and treatment. Clearly you’ve played a huge part in enabling this behaviour so there’s lots you can do which might be hard but ultimately will be good for your daughter.

financially, if you can kick her out and sell the mobile home then do so, 100%. And of course protect yourself by blocking her if necessary

there's a great book called Walking on eggshells about being a family member to someone with a personality disorder, you might find it very helpful to read. There will be quite a lot of stuff you can do differently to improve things.

This is heartbreaking to read, OP, I can't imagine how bad it is to live through.
But I'm afraid I can't see any way of ending her financial and emotional abuse of you and managing to have any sort of relationship with her afterwards.

It would be entirely reasonable to give her a month to find somewhere else to live, and I hope you're able to recoup some of the money you've lost by selling or renting out the home you bought for her.

Her behaviour reminds me a bit of one of my ILs, although they are nowhere near as bad. And they have an narcissistic PD diagnosis. Their parents could never say no to any of their demands. When their parents died, they burned through a £400k inheritance in a few years without even buying a property.

What a difficult situation. Unfortunately you have enabled her behaviour over the years so that she feels entitled to what you have provided, probably thinks other peoples parents buy them cars and houses out right, so you asking for a contribution shows a lack of love/care. Which of course is very batshit disordered thinking !
Are you in the UK @Mumofadultkid or do you live in another country ?

Deleting socials is a bit like scooping water out of a sinking ship - its not the priority.

You need legal advice about recovering the money and their tenure on your land.

Having a relationship is secondary.

Half of these problems are because you're bending over backwards for someone who doesn't respect you.

I would say this is spot on, and sadly I also speak from experience. I can’t go into too much detail, or will need to name change.

Protect yourselves now as much as you can. You know there is a major issue.

I feel so sorry for the boyfriend, and you all.

Your are being abused, verbally and financially.

She is relying on the fact that she is your daughter to behave disgracefully towards you, and she will ruin you financially and destroy your health if you let her keep getting away from this.

You may wail ' but she's my daughter, my flesh and blood!' , well if you really care for her you will stop this abuse now and shock her into changing. At the moment you are enabling a nasty piece of work to ruin many peoples lives.

Please get legal advice, you are not the only set of parents to be financially abused and practically stolen from by their children. There will be legal recourse to get your assets back.

Are you in the UK?