Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

[Mumofadultkid]

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

You need that.

Stay strong and don't give into emotional blackmail

I'm glad the lodge is in your name OP.

If your daughter doesn't choose to buy it from you with a loan (which to be honest I don't think she will as moving it would be more complex than just going elsewhere to rent) then at least you can rent it out to someone else (properly and legally and check their credit and references) or if you live in a nice area use it as air b n b.

I get the walking on eggshells

different circumstances to you but how I was feeling in My marriage - which is never good

now been separated 15mths

I know a husband is diff from a daughter but the same outcome

I understand that, as parents we give so much to our children, but she is an adult now and most adjust to a much more equal and reciprocal footing. A collaboration. It’s not happened here, she has remained at toddler stage stamping her feet. Maybe you have become too afraid of her op? The anger, fearing she cut you off.

You have seen that life can actually be quite peaceful and nice when you are not hobbling over eggshells. That there is lightness and a sense of peace. You and dh are asking for so little as it is op.

Your daughter is abusive to everyone unfortunate enough to be in her life.
You think you’re giving in to her demands out of love, one day she will realise that you’ve always been there for her and won’t reject you. She’s your daughter, your responsibility, that it means there are no boundaries and you have to take the clothes off your back to ensure she’s warm.
Love is not walking on eggshells, or feeling you need to constantly prove it by letting them walk all over you, nor is it used as a weapon to get your own needs met.
She will turn her back on you when you have nothing left to give, she is a vampire and once she sucks all she can get from you, she will find another victim. Once you realise this, her rejection of you both is inevitable, then you can start stepping back, start loving yourselves and let her deal with her consequences in life. Stop being her safety net, she is an adult and you’re not doing her or yourselves any favours by continually getting into debt or allowing her demand you save her. She will walk away without a backwards glance anyway so stop fearing it, let her go. You’re not acting from a place of love when you give in to her demands, you’re acting out of fear from rejection and it’s destructive for everyone concerned.
You and your H deserve to be happy, concentrate on your own lives and be at peace.

Get the house off them if it's in your name and sell it, tell them they are no longer allowed to live on your property and will have to find somewhere else to live, don't be soft on her she doesn't get to treat you like that just because she's your daughter, she sounds like a spoilt brat and I'm not going to lie it sounds like she has been spoilt a lot and this is the result of it

As it's in your name I would suggest you say get your own loan, but it and move it or vacate the premises.

You need to put boundaries back in place immediately.

Good luck.

She sounds mentally deranged. What exactly is the set up at home- is there name on the ?building

She needs to grow up.
She has been coddled, and spoilt so she is not grateful, but entitled.
Be wary of her charm and crocodile tears, as she may turn them both on, she can get what she wants.
Then when you have nothing left, she will drop you like a hot potato and make you out to be the villain.

You wouldn't take this grief off someone else. Don't give her a free pass.
She has had enough from you, she is a leech, so cut the cord.
Being blood doesn't mean no consequences.
This needs to stop.
Put boundaries in place to protect yourself and your sanity.
Wishing you well. Hugs to you 🫂

We’ve just had another onslaught on messages because we have asked them to park on the drive, not the grass which is getting churned up - they have flatly refused.

we’re taking a breath to plan our next move - ideally they pay the loan and move the house off.

but I don’t think they will be able to get a loan.

let alone have anywhere to put it.

i personally want to get them out, sell the house and move it off.

it’s really clear that anything we say or do will be seen as combative

@Mumofadultkid she sounds awful. But I have to ask, do you genuinely think you were a good mum to her in her childhood? Quite often I find that toxic adults, particularly where the toxicity is directed towards a parent, comes about because that parent was not great towards them when they were growing up.

Turn your phones off when you get texts after texts of abuse, don’t read them as they will be hate filled and you both know you don’t deserve that kind of treatment. I would see a solicitor asap and let him write her a letter stating she either gets a loan and move off your property or she vacates the home so you can sell it. Change your locks so she can’t just walk in and if she kicks off outside your house, call the police. You’ve got to dig deep now and stop her in her tracks, she is not going to drag you down again. She can deal with her own problems herself and face any consequences of her own actions. This is you and your H’s time now, make sure she never gets chance to ruin your life again.

I don’t have any helpful suggestions, but I am so sorry you’re going through this.

While there are no consequences for her treating you abusively there will be no changes in her. Do her a favour and kick her off your land. It’s time for her to grow up and take responsibility.

@GoodOldTrayBake
We weren't the best, we gave her everything, and I think we have spoiled her - she absolutely played to my weaknesses, and I always bowed down instead of standing firm - too frightened of losing her, she'd make threats, and I would respond by bowing to her needs. There are other things, too many to mention - she has physically attacked me and her grandma. And other things that are not nice, she has stolen things from me too. I tried to get her to counselling, but she refused to go as soon as conversations got difficult.

I do see how parents are responsible, but sometimes it's not us.

@SkintSingleMumm
We have the loan and the purchase agreement in our name - so all the risk us wth us, it has no separate title so its like a granny flat on our land.

What's the old saying? You may as well be hung for a sheep than a lamb?
She will crucify you regardless to get her own way.
Cut her out.
Let her stand on her own two feet.

This may have been mentioned already (I don’t have time to read every page) but I suspect she has ADHD.

im in no way minimising how badly your daughter has behaved, nor making excuses and I’m not saying all ADHD people behave like that. However I have it, as do other members of my family and I absolutely recognise a lot of patterns from your OP.

I’m so sorry for the impossible position you find yourselves in.
Because of the lack of empathy in your DD’s personality, this has now become a game she is determined to prove to her partner that she will win. A game of stealing everything from you.

You have to outwit her to bring her to her senses. Her partner is completely under her spell and won’t/daren't see sense. She is strong and dares to do this now, only because she has a partner in crime.

The only option left, is to recover the money owed by them and to evict them from your house and from your land through legal channels. Do this through a lawyer telling her it’s no longer in your hands. And then block her.

As a courtesy to his family, and again with a solicitor’s letter at the same time, warn his parents that this is now out of your hands but will be with the court system if they don’t pay up and comply by the date given them. I have a feeling they may realise he is being coerced and will try to save him. Without him, she may crumble earlier.
But you must see it through to the end OP, as that’s the only way she has left open to you, to save yourselves. You can’t help her if she has burned through your money and land. She believes you won’t go that far. But you must.

And you have to do it while you are still relatively young and strong, well before you become vulnerable and defenceless as that’s what she is banking on.

She would go as far as seeing you on the streets in order to win this game she has set up, because she wants her inheritance now rather than later. This (she thinks) will help her buy and keep her weak partner’s love.

She sees that as the answer to her life and regards the money invested in your home and land as her own already. She has convinced her partner of that. You have to disinherit her of that idea as well as the inheritance, which you can always reinstate when she has learned to work for a living and become independent of you and make something of her own life instead of stealing from you.

@Glitterybee
Thats really interesting, could you tell me a bit more - she has mentioned it before to me that she thinks she has ADHD, how does that show up in relationships?

I agree with @LAMPS1 .

Some children are capable of being unbelievably selfish.

Our neighbour's son persuaded her to put her house in his name. He sold it from under her and used the proceeds to emigrate to New Zealand.

The OP and her husband need to remove the daughter and son-in-law as soon as possible.

@WearyAuldWumman thats awful! I’m so shocked that people would actually do this - and I think if I’m
bring honest I think
my daughter would do the same.

I’m so sorry it’s come to this for you op but it has reached the point of being impossible to carry on like this for you.

you do need to keep everything legal and above board. Don’t engage any further, your next move needs to be via official legal routes. She’s going to kick off whether you approach yourself with the news or via a solicitor, so go with the one where you have the most support.

good luck.

I think using legal channels of getting your daughter to move out that people are suggesting are a little problematic.

In your opinion you bought a cabin and your daughter is supposed to be giving you money to buy it from you, but there is nothing legally in place to separate the situation from your daughter being your tenant.

As this is your daughter and her partner's home I think a solicitor or the police would be very reluctant to get involved in telling them they must leave as illegal eviction is a crime.

To evict someone legally using the courts you would need to serve the correct notice and have to prove that you have done certain things such as provide a landlords gas certificate (if there is gas). You can try to argue that you are not a landlord but that would be difficult to argue/prove.

In the first instance I think that you should informally tell your daughter things aren't working out and could she please make plans to buy and remove the cabin or just to leave and hope that she co-operates. If she leaves get the cabin secured or removed.

I really think it’s time to speak to a lawyer. You’re probably going to have to evict her from your land. It won’t be easy though.