Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

[Mumofadultkid]

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

Take the mobile home back to clear the debt and kick them both off your land.

From what you’ve written, there is not going to be a way back. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I’m sorry for you.

The contact you have blocked was always sent to control and provoke and manipulate you. You are correct to block it. If any contact does get through reply breezily like ok great then reiterate your needs and wishes going forward. Keep it factual no drama. She wants drama. Other people's opinions don't matter. She's possibly a narcissist at worst; and a manipulative drama queen at best. I've dealt with her kind and emotion free and stoic is the way. I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

I can't believe you are asking if you're being petty to block her!! You've enabled her and pandered to her for far too long now!!!

Do you have any other children? I would have a sit down with your dh and have an honest conversation about what you want your lives to look like going forward.

Your dd whilst clearly loved by you sounds unhinged. She is controlling her partner and him being with her is not in his best interests. If i was his parent I'd be keeping contact with him in the hope he would see sense and walk away.

I'd be inclined to evict them and let her figure out her own way in the world. At some point you have to cut the purse strings and allow them to navigate life in a way they can afford or cope with. The world doesn't owe her money or a place to live and neither do you.

Anyone she spouts nonsense too will soon figure out that she is a narcissist. She is bullying you and that needs to stop as does subsidising her lifestyle. I'd be inclined to go nc even if it's upsetting as quite frankly she's manipulative and unpleasant. To do this both you and your dh have to be on the same page, neither of you can waver and you'll both have to stand together in the face of being gaslit and emotionally blackmailed.

If you try to reason with her you'll never get anywhere and as hurtful as that may be to accept you need to get it together. Get some therapy, develop your emotional resilience, understand that this isn't your fault but she is awful and you both need to protect yourselves from her.

I realise I am talking about your child and this will hurt but sometimes you need other people to hold up a mirror to your situation before you can see the truth. Best of luck op.

Goodness what an awful situation. And what an awful impact your DD is having on you, your mental well being, your financial stability etc etc.

To be honest I'd be tempted to see this as an "enough is enough" moment - I'd call her bluff and say you agree that a cessation of relations between you all is sensible and necessary, and that therefore you give notice for them to quit the premises by X date, and you wish them well of course!

How that actually pans out is another matter, my guess would be your DD will fight tooth and nail to stay as she knows she's got it made living where she does but perhaps you and your DH really should push for them to go, it doesn't sound like she's going to change - can you really go on like this for ever? It's breaking you now let alone for years ahead.

Big decisions and big emotions but perhaps a turning point has been reached. I do genuinely wish you and your DH well. 💐

@Mumofadultkid OP you are going to need professional advice on this and I echo other posters who are telling you to plan your future.

When you read your OP back do you see that these issues are beyond your capabilities.

It sounds like she has narcisstic personality disorder! I mean I would block her but it’s highly unlikely you will be able to get her to finance the house when the debt is in your name. I mean what would compel her to do this? Unless you have a formal written agreement about the payments and you are going to sue her?

YOu should have learnt from your mistake in the car fiasco. Why get involved in financing her house if she already showed you she wouldn’t pay for the car?

She’s played you like a fiddle I’m afraid. Time to stop now and make her stand on her own two feet and grow up. Don’t indulge her any further - it all sounds so exhausting.

Is it a static caravan type thing they live in on your land? How does that work in terms of ownership? Can you actually evict them? Or legally do they own it but you are on the finance agreement for it?

I think given everything you've done for her and just all the hurt coming back... If it were me I'd look for a paradigm shift and make clear an intent to step back support and arrange some distance in living arrangements.

Visit an accountant together.
Have her hear the cold hard facts from a professional.

So essentially they're living in a home that you own? Do you have any written agreement for them paying you back the mortgage or any kind of tenancy agreement?
You need legal advice and you need to evict them. I doubt they'll go quietly so you may even need to inform the police when you serve eviction.
Your relationship with your daughter is beyond saving at this point. She seems to have complex mental health issues.
It's really about limiting the damage to your lives now.

I would speak to a solicitor and get advice on evicting them in a completely by-the-book way as a starting point. Don't cut corners or give her any room to argue you're doing things unfairly/improperly re eviction.

You may have had good intentions when you made the deal with her but given her behavioural history, it's actually harmed her. She needs to learn independence, and that abusive behaviour carries consequences.

Don't be swayed by any late apologies or promises to make payments again. The only hope of her changing her ways is total independence and learning the value of money.

At a minimum, she doesn't get to stay on your property. That's asinine. I don't even know how she thinks that would work.

It seems like she doesn't really get along with anyone which makes me wonder if she's ever had any type of professional mental health assistance.

@Mumofadultkid

Frankly, she's abusing you and your DH. You're absolutely entitled to 'make yourselves safe' in any way you need to in order to have peaceful lives.

She has said she wants 'no relationship' with you. Fine. Give her exactly what she wants. Block her and get her off your property. The Bank of Mum & Dad is now closed, permanently.

I assume this 'home' on your property is solely in your names since you got the mortgage? If so, I'd begin eviction proceedings immediately. If her name is on it, you need to see a solicitor to see what you can do about possibly having it
removed from your property.

She sounds like she has a personality disorder, and you need to protect yourself from her, to the best of your abilities. Not only financially, but emotionally and even physically. As you've admitted, you haven't handled her well in the past, so I'd seek outside, perhaps professional assistance going forward.

I'm sorry, but I can't see her ever changing for the better, not at this point in her life.

You may be able to rent out the property in future which should hopefully ease the financial strain.

You need legal advice to see if you can enforce the payments or sell their home. I’d no longer trust to have a relationship with her and would want her to leave - she’s going to keep on messing up and you can’t save her and need to think of yourselves.

This sounds like a long-standing pattern of emotional, financial, and psychological abuse, not a communication issue to be solved with scripts or mediation. When abuse is this entrenched, clarity and detachment — not compromise — become essential.

Consult a solicitor immediately. Meanwhile, send this letter to your daughter. She will escalate once you send it. Document and save everything. Only respond through your solicitor.

To:
[Your Daughter’s Full Name]
[Her Partner’s Full Name]
[Address – or simply “Currently residing on our property”]

Subject: Formal Notice – Financial Liability, Property Occupation, and Conduct

Dear [Daughter’s Name] and [Partner’s Name],
This letter serves as formal notice regarding three matters of pressing concern: (1) the financial liability you currently owe, (2) your continued occupation of our land, and (3) the nature of your communications with us. All three require immediate resolution.

1. Mortgage and Outstanding Financial Agreement

As you are fully aware, we took out a significant mortgage in our names to assist you in securing your home. This was done based on your express commitment to repay us in regular monthly instalments. This commitment has not been honoured. There is no ambiguity about the fact that we are solely liable for the debt, while you occupy and benefit from the property it funded.

We are no longer in a position to absorb the consequences of your defaults. We therefore require that you seek independent finance in your own names to clear the balance in full. If this is not possible, we expect a formal repayment plan to be proposed in writing. Please confirm how you intend to proceed by [insert deadline – e.g. 14 June 2025]. If no confirmation is received, we will begin the process of recovering the debt through appropriate channels.

1. Occupation of Our Land and Use of Utilities

The dwelling you currently occupy is located on land legally owned by us. There is no formal tenancy or licence agreement in place. Your continued presence is permitted solely at our discretion, which we are now reviewing. You make minimal contributions to utility costs, which is no longer acceptable.

We require one of the following by [insert date, e.g. 4 July 2025]:

• A signed written agreement setting out financial contributions, occupancy terms, and a fixed end date;
• or
• Confirmation of your intention to vacate and remove the property.

If neither option is agreed upon, we will issue formal notice to vacate and pursue legal avenues for removal of the structure and recovery of any losses incurred.

1. Ongoing Conduct and Communications

We will no longer accept any form of hostile or abusive communication — direct or indirect. This includes messages sent from your accounts, via third parties, or through professional channels. Any further harassment, defamation, or reputational interference (e.g., targeting our workplaces) will be documented and, if necessary, pursued under applicable laws.

Going forward, all communication must be in writing and strictly limited to matters relating to finances and property.

We have acted in good faith over many years. Unfortunately, your continued pattern of entitlement, manipulation, and aggression has left us with no choice but to protect our home, our finances, and our peace of mind. This letter establishes our position clearly and in writing. You are advised to treat it with the seriousness it warrants.

Yours sincerely,
[Your Full Name]
[Spouse’s Full Name]

It sounds as though the residence is one of those portable granny flats that some people have installed in their garden? Something like an iHus?

Do see a solicitor to check whether you can gain possession of it. I have a horrible feeling that it's in her name, but I'm wondering whether you have enough proof that she's supposed to be paying you back.

If it's worst case scenario and you can't establish ownership, I'd be telling her to move the residence - at least that way you wouldn't be subsidising her utilities.

Do see a solicitor to check whether you can gain possession of it. I have a horrible feeling that it's in her name, but I'm wondering whether you have enough proof that she's supposed to be paying you back.

If the loan on the home is not in the daughter's name then couldn't the OP just stop paying it? I mean it's going to jack up their credit of course, but the bank will eventually take it back.

Tough love that’s what you do

evict from the mobile home then sell it and repay what you can in the loans.

do not give them any more money. Be prepared to get lawyers involved if she trashes you on social media

she sounds narcissistic and won’t change

The auto-numbering went wrong in my previous post, sorry!

You’re not going to get your money back now but unfortunately I think that’s the price you pay for believing that someone who has never been financially responsible would suddenly become financially responsible. You can however find peace and have much less stress in your life by removing her from your land. Serve her an eviction notice and if she’s not made arrangements to move then follow through with whatever legal steps are necessary to get her off. You might feel that’s harsh but you’d be doing her a favour if there’s any chance of her finally growing up and taking responsibility. While she’s allowed to do as she pleases and have you pick up the pieces she has no motivation to change.

Is the movable house and / or the car in your name ?

You 💯 need to start reclaiming / reselling them now if possible.