Bank of Mum and Dad and disrespect - request they finance their own.

[Mumofadultkid]

Please bear with me there is a lot to this, and please be gentle with your comments - this has put me into a tailspin and I am crying every day.

We have helped our DD and her partner into a house, by releasing equity from our home and getting a revolving mortgage on their behalf. It was a significant amount and has put us years back in clearing our own mortgage. (We are fast approaching retirement!) They agreed to pay a certain amount each month to clear it, but they have defaulted on this 3 times already. The house is a movable house (not a caravan but movable) and is on our land. They use our services but only pay a small amount towards utilities such as electricity.

In the past, we have bought her two cars, one we agreed to pay for and the other we got the loan in our name for her to pay us back as she couldn't secure a loan at the time and I said its cheaper this way than paying all that interest. The second car loan, she paid a couple of payments, barely anything - then she started again with the attacks and said "it's all about the money with you", as a result of that - we said it's not about the money - keep the car! (On reflection, I now know this was the wrong thing to do)

She is always combative and looks for anything to have a go at us with, it really is anything - a post I may have put up, she interprets it as an attack on her, if I say something (even nothing to do with her) she interprets as an attack on her. If we don't respond in a way that she wants - "we were not excited enough", or we don't support her, or we are abusive, toxic narcissists. I noticed this as a young teen, where she claimed to her friends that a teacher had looked her up and down, funnily judging her outfit - she didn't! There was no looking up and down. The teacher said hi, Where are the others and that was it! Its been going on for years.

She can't maintain friendships, and has actually been quite nasty to some of them - pointing out "their toxic traits" - she has had three jobs never longer than a year, all of which have ended because she feels she is better than everyone, everyone is stupid and doesn't know what they are doing, and she is quite rightly (in her mind) pointing out everything that is wrong with the organisation to her managers!

She recently left her job to start her own business which is not going very well!

Her partner had a great job, but due to her "interference", he has had to move teams. She went in with him to "talk to his managers" because of "bullying behaviour from the team". It wasn't. The team he worked with was warning him because in a short space of time, he had moved in with her, and is now fully supporting her financially. He has sold his car to fund her business, he has reduced his hours to be with her (resulting in a significant drop in salary) and no longer sees his friends - she actually said to his managers face, "It's bad management".!!!!

She came away quite smug, that "she told them what's what".

Her partner was so lovely, and still is - when he came on the scene, he really calmed her down, and we thought finally someone to help her see things a little bit more clearly and a different perspective. We had such a lovely time with him, but that soon changed! He even approached me to ask how to deal with her, and he said she's feisty!

We met his family, and his family sent a message to him telling him what lovely people my husband and I are as we were driving home - and I remember then grabbing the steering wheel tightly in panic (I was driving home) and thinking she is not going to like that! (DD)

Now, he has been turned against us and is sending us horrible messages as a result of a non-event again. Its clear that she is nudging him to say these things and I suspect she is using his account to get to us ( I had to mute/block her because of the vitriol she kept sending). He called my husband names and is accusing us of lying! (This was the discussion over payment of the mortgage - he said we are lying because they can pay what they want when they want, we advised them this is true, but that is not the agreement we had; they need to make regular payments as agreed.)

It feels like she is nice to get what she wants, but as soon as she gets it she looks for and creates drama to cut us out of her life. I admit that in the past, in panic, I have bowed down.

But this time, she attacked me in my workplace, sending emails to my boss and trying to make me look incompetent. Luckily for me, my boss just ignored them, but said that she (DD) was definitely trying to ruin my reputation.

We live in a very small town, she tells lies constantly, and I am lost. I don't know what to do. It feels like she twists everything to drive a narrative that she is the victim and we are the nasties. Its so heartbreaking.

We had a message that she no longer wishes to have a relationship with us, due to our toxic behaviour and emotional abuse - she ended it with " I wish you both well". Yet she is still living on our land, with a debt in our name and using our facilities.

We don't want to cut her off, we don't want to appear to be petty or reactive.

I want to tell them to get their own loan, to clear our loan and then get it moved off. But I don't think they can now.

I have blocked her socials and her emails to stop the onslaught - is that petty? Am I just as bad as her for behaving like this?

And I'm afraid this feeds into her narrative about us. I want a relationship with her, but this pattern is so draining and exhausting. We are constantly walking on eggshells around her - if we explain this to her, she then uses that against us and turns the narrative to say she is the one walking on eggshells. It feels like she is AI, she's learning all these things from us to then accuse us of what she is doing - if that makes sense?

I don't know what to do.

Am I right to block all contact and request they get their own finance and move their house - or will this just inflame the situation and prevent any way back.

You have 3 distinct issues you need to make some decisions about. They are related, but each is important on its own.
You don’t need to answer these for us, I’m just suggesting you think about these things.

1. what happens to you financially if she never pays you back anything else and these debts become solely your problem? How bad of an issue is will that be? Do you have any legal recourse to force her to pay the debt or is your only method to mitigate your losses by repossessing whatever property is legally in your name?
2. what responsibility do you still feel at this point to trying to reach her to be a better person and more fiscally responsible? Do you recognize that by loaning her money you are actually sabotaging her in a way?
3. do you personally need to prioritize keeping relationship at any cost or are you ready to deal with the fallout of putting your foot down? This is the tough love moment where the parent hopes the child will learn their lesson, grow up, and recognize that the choices were made for a reason. It doesn’t always work out though.

This is hard to accept, but she will never change.

I am related to someone like this and she would quite happily see her parents living on the street if she got what she wanted out of them (her lifestyle fully funded by them, no need to work, her every whim met with approval no matter how bonkers it is). I was angry at her parents for accepting this treatment but they are being abused and don't feel they can do anything about it. She is nasty and spreads stories about them claiming she is a victim. It gets worse every year.

Honestly, all you can do is cut her off, weather the storm and save yourself, your partner and any other kids you might have.

You have explained the nature of the problem very well OP and you sound like such loving and caring parents.

Sadly, it sounds as if your DD really does have a personality disorder of the type where she is very unlikely to correct or help herself and likely to continue lambasting you until you are completely broken financially and emotionally.
You can’t let that happen.
This must be crushing for you to realise. I’m so sorry.

It means the only recourse is to save yourself financially by any means you can and to protect yourself from any further contact with her for now, until you have managed to evict her from your land and they are both working full time to pay their own way. You need legal advice to guide you through that.

If, by cutting her off financially and emotionally, you can manage to get her working full time to support herself, then you will have done her a great service even if it’s at the expense of your relationship with her.

At that point, much further down the line, when you are financially secure and separate from her, you could reconsider your relationship with her again. But for now, you must save yourselves as a priority. Please get legal help as soon as you can. You can’t deal with this without professional guidance.

Do you own their home or did you give them the money to buy it?

I echo the ‘tough love’ sentiment above, wholeheartedly. It’s well overdue in my opinion, what you have enabled, accepted is quite astonishing. Cease engaging/communicating with your daughter and her partner. Approach a solicitor and ask advice for the best way forward.

You are going to have to harden up where daughter and P are concerned, after your years of leniency this will go against your nature, but from what I read it’s the only way. This young couple need a sharp lesson and no mistake.

You're being too soft. There's love and there's allowing someone to just walk all over you. Speak to a lawyer, get her off your land

That sounds truly horrendous for you! You've had some good advice here, definitely time to get your daughter off your land as she isn't going to change.

You're being abused, and no doubt her boyfriend is too. You mention that he is a lovely fellow - is there a way you could talk to him away from her and try to get him to leave her, so that's at least one less person being subjected to abuse? (Caveat - I don't know enough about abusive relationships to know whether this would end badly for him...perhaps you could talk to his parents?).

Either way, you need to evict her and not have her back...as a parent I know that must be hard, but imagine how she'll be treating you in 20 years time when you're older and less able to push back, if you don't do it now?

There is no future relationship. I’d kick them out of the mobile home and thus off your land and just ignore them.

I feel for her partner as he’s been manipulated but not much you can do now.

She sounds awful.

Echoing what others say your going to have to kick her out

also a difficult one but what about her husband sounds like she makes his life hell

Well ,you only have yourselves to blame,you have let her walk all over you ,you have continually made your own finances difficult to to make hers easier.
You took loans out ,which she hasn't paid back on cars and a house .
Go to a solicitor and take her to a small claims court for your money to be rapid or the house sold to give you your money back
Get her of your land and out of your house she is in ,which if you had any sense is in your name
The more you give ,the more people take ,sounds like you realised this very late in life
I'm sorry to tell you ,but your DD is not a nice person,she is never going to be the DD you want her to be .
Time to get tough and get your money back

What was her childhood like? Did she suffer any kind of trauma - or there may be trauma that you don’t know about?

HRTFT but this screamed out from the OP... My only surprise is you continued to go out to bat for her. The only consistency she showed was of having no respect for you.
I'd go as far as to believe she isnt completely responsible for her actions because she was never taught actions have consequences when she was growing up.
Don't they say... Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Speak to her husband. Say enough is enough. Talk to his parents. Say you are worried about him and explain the situation with the loan. Say you intend to get it back and give a heads up that it may mean they have to move. Get legal advice. Put boundaries in place and maintain them.

Do they legally own the home? Is there anything actually legally binding regarding paying back/ defaulting? Because if not again you’ll be paying for it and she want. If you’re being consistently verbally and financially abused, why not go no contact and evict?

This is so sad. You have gone above and beyond but it sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder.

She treats you terrible and it seems like she does a lot of projecting, telling others they’re toxic and that it’s all about money with you when she is utterly toxic and it’s all about money with her.

You need to pursue getting your money back and I think find a way for them to leave. The partner sounds like a victim of emotional abuse.

She sounds really difficult to deal with...I'm surprised you decided on this set up with the loan and living situation. It's really fairly serious harassment isn't it. I would seek legal mediation.

Take the mobile home back to clear the debt. You shouldnt of done it after the car but you live and learn. Dont give her any drama just take it back and say clearly its because theyve not paid. You must stop pandering - youve created a monster unfortunately.

Sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder. How old is she? She needs to grow the fuck up and start being an adult. Don’t pander to any more of her shit! I would cut her off before she run me into the ground. She sounds toxic!

I’m so sorry OP. You sound lovely and this must be heartbreaking.
Can you cut off electricity and internet? You can tell her first (she won’t see it if she’s blocked you but a note through the door).

You have the perfect excuse to stop this awful behaviour from your daughter. She wants no relationship with you - so you ask her when the debt will be cleared, when the mobile home is being moved and inform her that the utilities will be switched on on X date. Stop being a doormat. She can't complain about any of that - she wants no relationship doesn't she??

Just want to say that you sound like a lovely, caring and supportive mum.
Unfortunately your daughter isn't able to appreciate that.
You are right to want to put and end to the way she treats you.
I agree you may need a solicitors help here.
And maybe get some emotional support for yourself too.

Unfortunately, I agree that it sounds like your daughter has some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder and I don’t think your gentle parenting with zero consequences has helped, especially on the financial front. Your daughter has learnt she can get away without paying back what she owes and unless you put your foot down, this is only going to get worse. Please make a stand and good luck!

I despair of threads like this. From her teen years she has behaved really badly, yet you continued to shower her with two cars, a house, pay her debts, you take loans to give money to her, and you compromise your mortgage and retirement for her.
she interferes in your job, her partner's job, she writes vile messages to you, she trashes you in your village, she contacts your boss and tries to fuck up your work, she and her partner calls you both disgusting names ... and yet you ask if you should cut her off?

Why keep enabling her ?

I would send her an email detailing All you have done for her, the cars, the loans, the house, the reduced bills, and set out the vile stuff she has done to you....
Tell her she will always be your daughter but you will not accept this anymore, and that the door is open if she and her partner refrains from the vile behaviour shown before but she is on her own

Your daughter is toxic, you and your DH have enabled her because you’re too frightened to say no! She escalates her horrific behaviour, tries to ruin your reputation, tries to get you sacked from work and threatens to walk away from you. You knew full well she wouldn’t pay up, she has done it many times in the past!
All this guilt, fear you feel to provide her with everything she demands, only goes one way. She wouldn’t piss on you both if you were on fire, she’d be too busy planning how to spend her inheritance.
You can’t change her but you can stop your behaviour. Kick her out and either rent out or sell the mobile property you have bought. Let her manage her own life, so when she needs a car or homeless, she has to sort it out herself, instead of you running about to pay for everything! You need to cut the apron strings instead of being Disney parents, if she tries to ruin your reputation, let her! Anyone else who steps in to help her out will soon see her for what she is.
You need to see a solicitor, I take it she hasn’t signed anything about repayments or have a rental agreement from you? Kick her out and off your property. If she causes damage or starts being threatening, call the police.
You have to start tough love, she is never going to be a loving person, will always be toxic, so you have H have to put boundaries down. You both are enabling her to be a not starter, who doesn’t learn to face consequences or to manage her own problems.

You have made her into an entitled brat. You allowed her to have a car she stopped paying on and live rent free, all the whilst abusing you.
if you want this to stop you have to throw them out, take back the home and the car. You have to be the parent here, not the enabler.