Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

What is he doing with his money I'd be asking - is he squirrelling away for some reason?

You could just book your own trip away and tell kids it's daddy's turn to book the family own this year he'll let us know what he's booked and where we're all going

Drugs? Gambellimg? Only fans? Affair?

What is he spending his money on Op? I would be a bit worried if he has nothing left at the end of the month despite earning the same as you and you buying stuff for the kids.
Drugs? Gambling? Women?
I would stop including him in family holidays if he is stingy enough not to go halves. He doesn’t deserve to go with you.
And if the kids need stuff send all activity invoices etc to him. Let him pay.
Stop paying for stuff as you’re only making a rod for your own back.

Having been in this situation (but with less money) the OP is not ‘allowing it’. She can’t control how he behaves. People don’t announce they are selfish pricks they tend to hide this and it becomes apparent slowly. It’s difficult to end a relationship over the cost of an holiday or money once you already have dc. Sometimes it’s when the novelty of parenting wears off and the other parent resents the impact of dc on finances and hobbies having originally been positive and promising to share things fairly that problems emerge.

It’s no different to (usually) men who don’t do their share childcare or housework having promised to be ‘hands on’ - or the (usually) women who avoid going back to work after dc and don’t financially contribute. Lots of people end up in situations once dc are on scene where one partner selfishly shifts the goalposts from what the couple agreed pre dc in their favour and it stops being a proper partnership.

OP clearly wants to give her dc a lovely childhood and he knows this and is gambling she won’t want to blow up the family over his behaviour - which is basically her only choice. You can’t actually force another adult to act fairly. This is 100% on him.

I agree.
He will either take the kids 5050 and have to pay for them on his dad and do their laundry? Or he'll have to give you 18% of his salary.
And you won't be cleaning up after him or doing his laundry,
Win win for you.

Don't take him on holiday just to 'help' use the cost of his flights to pay for a nanny on holiday that's what I do - 100 e a day for a nice lady to help me with my toddler and babysit him in the evenings.

Why don't you open a children and holiday account into which you both pay equal amounts, with the money there before you book things?

You lost me at a £6k holiday when money is tight, average salaries and paying it off to be fair.

You both need a spreadsheet of all incoming and outgoings. I suspect some cognitive dissonance here with a sprinkling of beer money and champagne tastes.

Does he maybe fund other big stuff like cars, building work, etc. Isotherm absolute full disclosure between you?

What's his excuse for not paying half for his children's clothes and activities. Will he tell you that he shouldn't have to pay because he didn't want them?

He sounds absolutely horrible. Stop cooking his food and doing his laundry. Can't you take another adult on holiday instead of him to help you with the children? Would one of your parents like to come with you?

Indeed. Or stop
Inviting him.

If you're actually scared of him tho op call women's aid for advice on leaving safely

If you earn the same and split bills 50/50, how are you funding holidays and he's broke? Why haven't you done a joint budget? Ridiculous way to run a family.
He's either lying about where his money goes, or OP isn't actually paying half the bills.

How old are your kids?
young or old primary school?
I’m sure you can cope with 3 on your own. You will probably have a better time if grumpy isn’t with you anyway with his Scrooge ways.

Tell him for this holiday you expect him to provide all the spending money. He can then pay into a holiday account going forward. If he doesn't, then no holidays for him.

Do you have a savings account? If not, start one, as you don't know what the future with him will be like.

Put your foot down and tell him to pay his share of everything.

Stop doing his domestics as well.

You’re not setting a good example to your children

There it is in a nutshell. I could also guess and probably be right that he wasn’t fussed about having children - that was your desire and that the third child was conceived without being planned.

The fairest thing to do in this situation is work out budget for month including all bills, shopping, holiday & savings and you both put the same into account alternatively both put all your wages into one account and both have say £300 incidental money. Why are you shouldering all the domestic and financial responsibilities when they are both your children. Man is a prat.

You're married with kids, why are you working like flatmates? One pot, everything in, everything out.

Because the Op is being financially abused.

This would give me the ick so much I could never come back. Can’t imagine he has any redeeming qualities, you are honestly best rid.

YABU for putting up with this!

You seem to be paying for a lot. Here’s a solution.

Divorce him, and use all the extra that you pay for towards a nanny or help at home and you will be fine.

My partner and I have separate finances but we have a joint credit card for family and kids stuff… all the eating out, holidays, kids clothes, food shops etc goes on it. Obviously it doesn’t work for everything as some are direct debits but even if I hook them I say ‘I paid for the last one so I’m putting your bank details down for this one’

I say it’s joint card but since my maternity leave it’s actually my partners credit card and I put all the family stuff on there and he pays it!! This happened for my maternity period when I wasn’t really earning and coincided with him getting some big promotions and out earning me when I went back to work.

our spending is neither equal nor proportionate to our pay. I’ve actually no idea how ‘fair’ it is (I could quite possible by ‘winning’ from it) but it doesn’t matter. I’d like to think of my partner thought it was unfair he’d say so and we could work it out mathematically. If you don’t think your partner would do the same then you have big problems.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-cost-of-loving-with-anna-williamson/id1730915263?i=1000691950154

Waiting for the "Amber Heard vibes" comment 🙄

Apart from having a nice celebratory day out for your "wedding", what makes you think you are married? You have a sponging boyfriend who happens to have fathered your kids. He's not dadding.

What dad doesn't prioritise paying for his kids? Or taking them on holiday rather than a lads trip? A shit one. He doesn't want to spend time with them,.certainly not enough to save and look forward to it.

The real crux is that you're scared to be a single parent when in reality, holidaying without him is probably easier. Or just go away yourself and leave the kids with him. Tell him you'll pay half for the kids if he wants to book to come as well.

But seriously, this is so dysfunctional that I can't see why you'd put up with him.

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated OP. He’s clearly got away with this sort of thing for a long time. You need to become more assertive, and demand he contributes his share. His sulking and annoyance is a form of control into you not asking again. Be on at him constantly - he really has no justification or excuse to not contribute.

YABU for enabling this bullshit.
If you can't manage the children alone on holiday, stay home and save your money.

I wouldn't be paying for a jolly for a man who has no regard for me.

My bet is given you do everything at home, he's barely any use to you on holiday. What do you actually need him there for?