Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

He tells me that he has no money left at end of the month If you both earn the same and you can afford to pay for a holiday and all the DCs' expenses with your left over share where is all of his money going? And why does he get defensive when you ask him to contribute? Is he gambling?

I'd be using this to
A. go fucking wild
B. Fully reset finances

Full salary from both of you goes into joint directly and you both get the same spends. Joint Savings comes from joint.if you want to save your personal spends thats your choice.

childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food

ALL now comes from the joint.

The "joint" should.ideally be an account in your name which he is added to (& you have the power to remove /block etc)

Life will get A LOT nicer for you.

I would pay for a name change and take a friend or relative.

You need to work out the cost of everything including meals out and kids clothes, then split in half.

If he has no money left what is he spending it on?
booze
drugs
fags
sex
gambling

Financially you may be better apart.

He needs to hans over more on pay day than he does currently.

I would worry he is getting into debt

This man doesn’t like you and doesn’t care about his own children.

Why are you with him?

Yes but I assume he agreed to children and should be paying for them also. He has to pay for childcare, clothes etc ancil not be paying for meals any more, forget your card conveniently. If the keeps turning this into an arguement, not helping around the home or contributing financially properly I couldn't stay married

D i v o r c e

Yabu for allowing this. Of course he needs to contribute the same as you towards children’s expenses.

Tell him he needs to put £x into a joint account every month (you will put in the same amount), and out of that account will be paid household bills and all child-related expenses - clothes, clubs, birthday presents etc etc. Also have another joint account to use for holidays that you both contribute £x per month to. The rest of his money he can spend as he likes.

Ask him why he thinks it’s fair that you pay more towards the children than he does. If he doesn’t agree to this it’s time for an ultimatum, because I absolutely would not be with someone who thought it was ok for me to shoulder an unfair portion of the joint costs. You’re supposed to be a partnership and a team.

How annoyed would i be?

Divorced.

you say you earn the same salary, but that ignores the fact that being a mother means you have had to interrupt you career multiple times. As a result, your salary is likely lower than it would have been if you had not had children.

women face other higher costs like menstrual supplies, bras, etc. when you were pregnant, did he help pay for your maternity clothing?

You aren’t just subsidizing the family by paying more day to day. You are subsidizing the family because the 50:50 split is inherently unfair.

My exH was like this. It’s not just about the money (although resentment about that can kill a marriage) it’s that he’s behaving as though dc are your sole responsibility. Did he want dc? Ex later said he hadn’t been bothered and had dc because I wanted to - sadly he didn’t say this at the time or let me know in advance he’d expect me to fund them solo.

You need full financial disclosure eg he could have savings or paying extra into pension you know nothing about. Or be gambling.

Dont spend any extra money on him above essential bills eg cancel tv subscriptions or memberships that come out of joint account. Prioritise saving up an escape fund as I think you will need one. And a uni fund for dc as he clearly won’t be contributing.

If he won’t change then you are incompatible as have totally different values about responsibility and he’s incredibly selfish. Ex also claimed to be just crap with money but in reality he knew exactly what he was doing taking advantage of me knowing I wouldn’t let dc go without. Financially I was better off cutting him loose.

In the bin

He’s just a fucking cocklodger @worriedmum8686 . He’s bringing nothing to your life whatsoever.

How annoyed would I be? I would be incandescent with rage. However, I wouldn’t put myself into the position you are in. The answer lies in your hands.

Do you discuss the holidays you're booking with him? Just wondering because Disney etc. v expensive. Agree with pps though, better to have a joint account you both pay into then pay all joint expenses out of that. You can each keep a personal account also if it suits for your own stuff.

Is there a reason why you allow this?

I utterly despair when I read about relationships like this… you’re doing all of the household chores, most of the childcare AND paying for the family holidays on top of half your other bills?! Seriously what is even the point of your DH? What does he bring to the family/relationship? Sounds like you’d be better off without him.

I think this is rather unfair. If he refuses to pay then it means (1) endless arguments (2) no holiday. I have always paid for family holidays because otherwise there never would be any. Sometimes it’s a case of choosing to put the kids first.

Can you change the name on the ticket and take your mum or a friend with you? No way would I be putting up with this. Honestly from what you have said, you would be better off single.

You really need to be honest and talk with a family member or friend you trust be frank with you. If you were my friend or sister I'd tell you he isn't worthy of you and you should consider divorce. You shouldn't be doing everything for your family, working full time and then paying for everything related to the kids needs. I'd be concerned about a gambling addict and have wanted to see full financial transparency before having kids. It's a little late for that now but surely you can see this relationship isn't tenable and if you can't then you really do need some form of therapy.

You are being gaslit and trodden on. Start seeing what is infront of your eyes. Is there really noone else who could have come on holiday with you instead and why is it that you can't mange your children on your own? Is it their ages, sen?

I don't see how you can continue with this relationship or even why you would but honestly you seem blind to the way he is behaving.

Stay with him and you will always be poor.

Sit down on your own once kids are in bed and work out a survival budget. What is needed to keep the house over your head. Exclude his wage. Add single person council tax. Explore benefit options for single person and child tax credits etc. Be ruthless about your budget. Consider if family will support you for a short duration.

Can you manage? Is he in the sort of job he'd have to pay child maintenance? I.e not self employed. Add that in. Then ditch the selfish git.

One day after you have carried the family he will have an affair possibly. At that point you will be forced to make these decisions. Better to do it now when all future money isn't given to him

So let's take holidays - when you discuss booking them, do you say 'that would come to around 6k so will need 3k from you, when do you think you'll have that?' And he says 'soon' and then it never happens?
Or is it more of a 'I'm thinking of booking Disney for us, do these dates next year work, probs will be about 6k' and he goes 'fine' and then it never happens?
Just trying to understand if he's going back on what you have explicitly agreed and is a dick, or if he's stupid and a dick because he doesn't connect the making plans with money coming out of his bank account. Which is more annoying somehow because he is an adult who should be able to work that out himself!!

Good call @worriedmum8686 to make him book and pay for the family wedding. Don't back down!!

Call Womens aid.
This is financial abuse.
Stop spending money and start saving money to get rid of this loser.
Tell family and friends the truth.
He refuses to pay one penny towards his children.
I feel so sorry for your children with this loser in their life.
When he shouts you down he is abusing you.

Well clearly he's a dick because he doesnt think it's his job to finance his children, do much parenting or do any house work either.

OP, I'm sorry, but this man doesn't respect or love you.

Where is his money going?