Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

You need a joint account that you each pay into equally for all these extras.

It's normal to have a joint account and then a smaller amount each for individual finances.

Honestly, I don't know why you are together. You'd be better off on your own.

Holidays and kids expenses are household bills. How are you splitting things at the moment?

You are booking very expensive holidays if you are both on average salaries. A huge holiday to Disney is wonderful but exhausting and so expensive.

Is he refusing to pay because someone needs to make sure you keep some savings in the family pot?

I would be really unhappy if my dh was spending so much on vacations if I ways flat broke every month or the only one keeping money aside for household emergencies.

You both need to sit down and do a proper household budget for the year ahead. Look at total income, essential spend, and then what will you both do with what’s left.

Also - re housework - don’t put up with it - he should do his share.

You don’t need this to become a massive endless argument - you’re a family, a partnership. You both need to find better ways to communicate and make it work

I’d be fed up. He is getting all the benefit of your marriage and not putting in; would you consider separating and going to the CMA?

Mate, this is no way to live, is it?
You both work and earn the same BUT you're putting thousands more into the pot for family costs AND you're putting thousands of hours in covering his half of the chores too.
What would life look like without him? By the time you're having to record his words to get him to agree to paying his way, it sounds like it's not a marriage worth fighting for, even if he suddenly remembered how to be an adult with adult responsibilities.

Why do you not both pay into a joint account?

He pays for next holiday in total. He also books it and arranges everything.
He pays for next kids activities and then pays so much a month towards.
DP and I have our salaries paid into our own accounts and transfer equal amounts into joint account fof bills. In your case this should include all child related expenses.
You may need couples counselling. Biting your head off to scare you into shutting up is no way to communicate.

UABU to accept this behaviour.

This isn't how a relationship works.

He clearly cannot manage his money which is having a negative impact on his family, so things need to change.

Sit down and work out ALL family costs. Bills, rent/mortgage, kids activities etc... then work this out as a monthly amount. This can then be split 50/50 and both pay that amount into a joint account. Use this account for all FAMILY stuff.

Then... if a family holiday costs £6000, then that's £250 a month each, so you both then need to be paying that amount into a joint savings account each month.

But money isn't your only problem - he should be doing half the chores and half the mental load too! It's fair you pick up some of the childcare as he has a longer commute, but everything else should be split fairly.

You're paying more of the bills even though you earn the same and doing most of the housework. He's fucking pathetic. Xx

Posts like this make me want to stop reading MN because they are so upsetting. I would find it hell on earth and feel trapped in a relationship like this. It's not fair. I really feel for you. It's triggering for me because I was witness to someone close to me experiencing a relationship like this. It really took a toll on her mental health because she was responsible for everything including the care of the children. It was terrible to see how she eventually suffered and changed. This sort of thing can take a serious toll on your physical and mental health. I hope that everything works out for you, op.

You don't sound compatible OP. You want different things.
This situation is not fair. He is enjoying his salary and you are using all of yours.
No more holidays.

I'm not really sure what you're looking for here OP. He's not going to change.

Stop inviting him along. He doesn't tip up, he doesn't go. It's a bit miserable but the only other option is to pay yourself nd I certainly wouldn't have joint accounts with a man like that either.

Do holidays with a friend or something you can manage on your own. Holidays aren't essential anyway.

Definitely don't have anything to do with the upcoming wedding. But I'd probably resign myself to not going in your shoes because he's only going to book it for himself.

The writing is on the wall OP, but with three young children and everything to arrange, to do and pay for all by yourself I’m not at all surprised that you don’t have time to read it.

What the words on the wall say, are that he has checked out of the marriage and regards himself as a single man but if anything is handed on a plate to him he’d be daft not to take it and enjoy it because he’s on to a very good thing with you loving him a lot and still feeling you need him. So he will take it while it’s all on offer and get away with contributing as little as possible.

He is all the time treating you with contempt while you all the time have hope in your heart that he will change his ways.
He has no idea what a good marriage looks like and neither will your children if this continues.

You have done so well to start this thread as this will be straight talk advice which will be painful to read and will set your heart racing and your stomach churning as you recognise the truth. Try your best to take heed and make a plan for a massive change. Don’t be scared, you will find your way out of this unacceptable situation of being used by your husband. And remember, it’s not your fault that this has happened. He has responsibilities as well as you.

Start by finding out where his income has gone. Then tell him he owes you 3k and whatever else you expect of him. If he shouts, put in all in an email to him and tell him you have a right to expect he holds his temper while you talk it out.

Good luck OP. Hope he sees reason but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t.

i don't get why people in a stable relationship with children have separate finances. I'm not an old fashioned person but the wedding vows say 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow' and 'for richer or poorer'. We've always had joint accounts (except for tax purposes a long time ago) and have a cautious attitude to spending money. It's all there - open access, and big spending usually follows discussion. NEVER have we had an issue with it.

I'm not sure how to say this in a nice way...but you went had not 1 but 3 children with this man.
You also got some extra money and instead of focusing on paying off the 6k holiday you went and booked another holiday for the same year. I mean holidays are important... But if you are already having one holiday abroad this year and you are having all these problems in your marriage...you should probably be saving it.

Maybe it's time to sort your marriage rather than hoping that it will change or get better.

Then YABU and need to sort yourself out if you mean you are doing HIS washing and cooking for HIM

You answered your own question "WE'VE... always had a cautious attitude to spending money"

If you were cautious and him a spendthrift, you would understand the sensibleness of separate finances.

Make sure he knows you are out of planning and paying for the wedding holiday planning. I would match his current energy.

Do you have a joint savings account. Putting money aside for holidays and rainy days is a good idea. There needs to be rules of engagement about what it is and is not used for. Or you need to control it. If I were you, I would:

1. Have smaller, less expensive family holidays and set money aside for savings.

1. Write down expenses, agree a new budget and make fair financial contributions.

I would be annoyed that he could find money for a holiday without the family and not make any contribution for the family holiday. Your partner has enough money for things he wants to do and does not prioritise family needs.

As for saying he doesn't want to go, wtaf? I didn't find holidays abroad with small child very restful. It's a shitty attitude.

OP - he's awful, kick him to the curb.

God, so many of these posts about useless 'D' Hs on MN. I'm single and it's actually putting me off even looking for a relationship! My ex-husband was like a third child. Are all men totally fucking useless? There are some great ones out there, right?!

No more holidays for him, and hold your ground on the wedding. When you’re out for the day get drinks for you and the kids, hand them out and tell him you ran out of money. Would your mum or a friend come on holiday to help? I’d 1000x prefer to pay for my mum or a friend than this loser. And it would be good for you to tell people. Next time one of your children needs something basic like shoes, the first weekend after payday tell him you need to take Bobby to buy shoes, off you go.

He clearly isn't not spending on holidays because he's wisely saving his money for the family. He might be saving it, but if he is, it's for him and him alone.

Never understand why people come on these threads and either don't read them properly or side with the obvious cocklodger.

Well of course! You need more of that attitude.

It sounds like you have 4 kids. 3 primary & 1 adult kid!!!!!!!!!! What exactly do you get out of this relationship? You are supposed to be partners but it sounds like your his Mum!!!!!!!!!