Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

They earn the same

I agree with this. That's how our finances are ordered. We have our own current accounts but transfer everything except the same amount of personal spends into a joint current account and joint savings account when we get paid.

I love it when a first post nails it.

Why are you letting him do this? You're the only one that can stop it.
Stop adding him to holidays, stop buying food for him etc

if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

Well look fucking back at him, and tell him to get his wallet out

You know he won't pay you back so stop booking holidays for a start or at least book cheaper ones. Book a week away in a caravan or cottage tell him what week you have booked and say if you wish to come it is x amount. Stop enabling his behaviour and use the amount you would have spent on expensive holidays to leave him

You need to see a lawyer and see how much money you would get in child support if you divorced this useless sack of 💩

It’s difficult to advise here as it’s absolutely obvious to everyone, including the both of you presumably, that this is grossly unfair and frankly ridiculous.
but what makes it difficult to advise on, is that you’ve just gone along with it, and gone on to have 3 kids.
I just don’t get how the conversation went
Bob ‘so let’s each put £500 in to the account to pay for bills’
Sue (surely) ‘actually it’ll need to be £1000 to cover kids stuff too.’

or when the kids need new stuff ‘your turn Bob, I got it last time.’

are you going on similar girls holidays? If not, why not? Have you considered divorce? This doesn’t seem a pleasant way to live.

Wheres all his money going..? Drugs? Booze? Random shit?

this is why me and my dh have joint finances.

In your original post, you said: "both work full time and earn the same salary. "

WHERE is the rest of his money going? And WHY have you spent all these years paying what should be joint bills out of the rest of your salary?

Honestly? This would be a deal breaker for me.

Him biting your head of is him trying to train you not to bring it up.

What are you really getting from this marriage it doesnt sound remotely like a partnership?

Girl, you’re being taken for an absolute ride here. And besides the finances, he sounds like an absolute pig. Why are you putting up with this?

On a side note, I know you have 3 primary children but could you not bring them away on your own? Or with a friend/parent maybe? I would be kicking him off this holiday. He can spend £££ on a holiday for himself but contributes nothing to his children’s holiday? He’s disgraceful.

I would seriously consider ending the relationship over this continued treatment. This is not a partnership, or a marriage.

Sorry but you're being unreasonable to have put up with it and to have got yourself 3 kids in with someone so unapologetically selfish. He's basically just ripping you off. It's sad but I think you're married to a person who cares much more about himself than you -- and it sounds like he thinks he can yell and ignore his way out of any accountability.

That sort of person would infuriate me. I couldn't be married to him.

If your DH has no money left at the end of the month then he clearly has money management issues. Call his bluff. Tell him he needs help to manage his money better and now both wages will be paid into a joint account. Or tell him you’ve booked an appointment with CAB to help look through his statements and budget better. His reaction to this will be very telling. Unfortunately this situation should have never started in the first place so changing it now is going to be difficult as you have enabled him to pay less than you for so long. But please stay strong and make this change.

So he's a lodger?
So you don't need to cook for him or do his laundry.
Offer his place on the holiday to a friend or family member..

He's a horrible family man! Selfish and aggressive when you mention it.

Why would you want to remain married to a man who says he won't pay for a family holiday because he didn't want to go? FFS listen to what he's actually telling you. I cannot imagine he is actually any help at all with the kids. If you really need help and he won't pay, pay for a nanny when you get there. Will cost you the same and you won't have to put up with his mardy arse.

Joint accounts are not the issue - DH and I have never had one but we've never had problems sorting out who is paying for what. Your issue is your DH is a prick.

These are all household bills. Why are they coming out of personal spending? Use your joint account to pay for them. You both need to top up more per month. No money in joint account for holiday, no holiday. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You’ve been a bit of an idiot about this, sorry.

I wouldn't book a holiday again for the whole family and just arrange something for myself and the DC.

How come you can afford all these extra costs when you (says) he has no money left?

Create a joint account where everyone pays in X every month and pay out everything from there?

also, does he have any redeeming qualities seeing you are taking care of pretty much everything? What does he add to your life (other than stress)?

he clearly has no respect for you otherwise he would chip in with the household and child related expenses.

Can you stop doing his laundry, stop cooking for him etc?

He doesn't see you as a partner financially. Or think he has to contribute to any child related expenses. He is basically ripping off the mother of his kids to spend money on....I'm guessing hobbies and boozy nights out? And he sees you more as a domestic servant than a partner at home. I'd be making plans to leave. And certainly not booking any more holidays with your money that he's going on.

His money is either being spent on things it shouldn’t be and he his hiding that from you, or he is lying and saving the money for himself.

In good marriages, there should be a family budget where both partners are open about their income and expenditure and costs that should fall to both of you - everything the children need and holidays etc, should be covered by both (albeit in proportion to income). And don’t get me started on his refusal to do any housework.

I’m sorry, OP, but this is not a good man and you are not in a good marriage. I would go as far as to say that if he refuses to discuss this like a grown up and start paying equally and sharing tasks equally, you should end this marriage. I don’t say that lightly at all.

OP, please do not move to a single account with both your whole salaries paid into it, as some PP suggest.

At the moment, you are subsidising DH , but at least you have control over the cash going out. He is saying he's out of money at the end of every month, despite this subsidy, so unless his commute is really expensive he doesn't appear to be that good at managing his finances.
If you have a single account, he would have direct access to your whole salary, and you'll have no control over what he spends it on.
I'd suggest a 'family expenditure' account that you both agree to put 50% into, for all children's costs, house bills, holidays etc. Then you can each keep your own cash outside that, and use it how you wish.

I find it bizzare that a couple decide to spend their lives together, buy a home together, get married, have 3 kids together, yet have separate finances, even though legally it’s all one point and joint.

If it was all in one pot it wouldn’t be a case of his/mine, because it would be a joint account so this wouldn’t be an issue.

You’ve made a start with saying you will do nothing about the wedding on his side of the family. Do not back down. No more meals out with him there. Unless you’re brave enough to tell him he’s paying, and leave your purse at home.

Stop doing his laundry.

Can you take another adult on holiday instead?

Honestly YABU because I don’t understand why on earth you stand for this and allow it to happen