Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

Not sure why you are paying for all the stuff to do with the kids , clothes activities etc are they not his children ? Anyway re holidays I would say to him in future you’ll not be included in any bookings I make but I woukd became sure I’d be constantly asking for his half of the upcoming holiday . I do feel that you’re being taken for a mug here

He doesn’t even like you. Or the kids. Thats not a marriage. Sorry but you should rethink life

Splitting bills as a married couple is wierd AF. Unless you have a prenup or something, all your money and assets are jointly owned why make it so complicated. If you split you would have entitlement to half of everything. I can honestly say I've never had an arguement with my OH about money. Income is joint, outgoings are joint, if we mess up and overspend it's joint too.
I'm the breadwinner and that really does not make a difference

Settle down pal no need to be unpleasant

I'm 35 and I think exactly the same as you.
I think the OP has bigger problems in the marriage but generally I think it's super wierd to think about money seperately when you are meant to be a team
My salary is 3 x my husband's but that does not give a right to hang on to a portion

Or you put a little bit of the joint income into a pot for each other each month. Splitting every bill what a faff honestly
What's mine is yours but not money?
God what happened to society

His behaviour sounds as if he may have debts or high costs (gambling, etc) that you do not know about.

just read through your replies on this post - do you even like each other? Recording conversations so that you can prove to him what he said? Why are you still together? Very odd

The fact that he doesn't pay anything for his kids is WILD

We put everything into one joint account, the bills come out if that as well as all our regular spending for food, petrol, holidays, kids activities etc. If one of us wants to buy something expensive we talk about it. It’s worked well for is so far.

I wouldn't trust this man with a joint account nor a joint savings account!

So, do not go on holiday, or tell him he has to pay his own way.

Do you have a friend/confidante nearby and have you been forced to downsize your support network ?

Maybe reduce your share of the bills by half of the holiday cost?

Reading this I’m thinking wow

but I’ve been there and sadly easy to fall into that trap - so don’t feel bad

it’s easy for people outside a relationship to give advise and think you are mad etx

if you earn the same then both wages should go into a joint account and pay for all joint things like kids holidays etx

and both get given the same spending money as such from it to do with what each wants

what is he spending his money on?

You’re being made an absolute fool of.

Why are you paying for everything for the kids.

Speak up, get this sorted or better yet leave.

No man who truly respected you, saw you as an equal partner and your family as a team would be treating you like this.

Why tf are you allowing this! he sounds like a selfish prick and I for one wouldn't allow my supposed partner in life to use and treat me like this. You deserve better!

Get this man to fuck. Get him out of your life. What a mean cunt

He obviously has debts or something he spends his money on that you don’t know about. His anger is a childish immature deflection response as he’s too scared to share the truth with you. You need to find out. It’s time for a sit down and an adult conversation or an ultimatum.

a spreadsheet of all income and expenses with bank accounts on display and credit files pulled. That will shit him up. It’s crazy ur running a family with no idea what the all the finances are about.

Also, stop paying for things. Insist he pays his share of meals and kids things. This will not improve without intervention.

He is hiding a lot. You’ve married someone who is financially irresponsible… time to get firm with him! Good luck OP!

He sounds like an absolute sht! Tell him to man up- this is also his family! You are in a partnership and both of you need to work towards giving your kids the best life possible! If he wants to shovel his money aside, then he shouldn’t have the perks of a “boys holiday”! Pr*k

Why don’t you pool finances? In the absence of that he owes you 50% of all the extras you pay for for the kids and the holiday.

Why should family members have up support you ? ,!!
It's your choice to split up ..
Don't put it onto others ,, !

Be careful. I said that and got flamed for being unpleasant. I thought I was making an observation 🤷‍♀️

I’m not being unpleasant. I’m making an observation, and one I now see others have made , too. In much stronger terms

Many people have so far given you good advice about this is not acceptable behaviour from your DH nor is it fair. But I would advise you to sit him down and have a honest talk about both of you increasing your contribution into the joint bills/expenses account to cover everything for the children including activities, clothes etc. If you want to have another joint savings account for holidays as well, then fine. However, I don't think it is a good idea to jointly pool all of your salary with his, as you don't know the full situation with his finances. You clearly need to also be having a conversation about fairly shared household chores and childcare, moving from here. You cannot make your DH contribute extra if he really doesn't want to, and as this situation has gone on like this for so long without him paying for anything other than the basic bills, it is very likely that he will refuse. You then need to consider your options and how you move on from that point. Possibly cut down/out expensive holidays, reduce slightly children's activities and start your own saving to help you make better longterm decisions, such as separation if it comes to that. Definitely stop including him and paying for holidays for him, stop washing, cooking, etc for him. If he doesn't want to be involved in family activities, you should not be forcing him. Let him see how it feels to not be included or needed. You are stronger than you think, as you manage your children single-handedly all the time, but don't realise it. Stop pandering to this man and learn to find your own self-worth. You and your children deserve better than your current situation, as you are currently showing them an inadequate and dysfunctional partnership. You do not want your children to think how you and your DH is currently living is a normal way of life. Good luck for whatever you decide to do, but you need to make changes and start priorising yourself and your children for a long-term existence possibly without your DH. Sort out your finances now so you are able to financially manage without him if necessary. Please forget about next year's wedding, focus on sorting out the here and now. Good luck