Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

This doesn’t sound like much of a partnership.

I couldn’t live like this personally - money is shared for us

Stop making meals for him or doing laundry. If he can't come up with the money for his place then he simply doesn't go. To be honest he seems like he is not much use to you.

YABU to enable and tolerate this shit.

I’m not sure the money is the only problem here, is it?

He sounds awful!

You felt it necessary to record a conversation about a family holiday? Your marriage is over, I reckon

op - I’m afraid your vote is absolutely pointless.

The Yanbu voters are because obviously you should be annoyed with this (and said no a decade ago)
the Yabu voters are incredulous as to why you do it.

your question ‘would you be annoyed with this’ is also not going to get many responses, as it’s actually a ‘no, because I wouldn’t be living like this.’

@worriedmum8686 i would not be booking any further holidays full stop!! what is he doing with his money?? that is the big question. if you can manage to pay all those other things then so can he. Incidentally, what happens at christmas time?? do you also buy presents for his side of the family without any financial input from him? that wont be happening this year, will it????

If your thought process reading all this is ‘but I don’t want to split my family up’ here’s the harsh truth - your family consists only of you and your children already. It’s already split up because of him.

So if you both earn the same and go 50/50 on bills, why on earth are you tolerating having to pay everything for the children and what on earth is he spending the rest of his money on?! That’s what you need to find out!
You’re enabling this

Fuck resetting finances, or working out how much your joint kids are costing you on your own.

He is a disrespectful twat, thoroughly contemptuous of you and will never willingly change.

I don’t know about you, but by now I’d have lost all respect and attraction for this pathetic sponger. He’d be out on his ear with a nice fat CMS claim on the way.

Set up accounts tonight on monzo - 2 personal and one joint.

All money goes to new joint account.
Distributed back to your old personals for any bills.

All he needs to know:
All spending on new cards.
White is family and pre-loaded with x amount - stay in the budget
Red is your own personal. Preloaded with x amount. - that’s his to piss up the wall if he desires.

You have yourself a cock lodger and a probably inadequate occasional childminder.
Go. And when you do, take half. And I’m including his pensions and all the savings he’s stashed away.
This ‘man’ is a walking ick.

Your whole system is out of whack with no teamwork or partnership.

I would tell him that you will not pay for anymore joint expenses and that there needs to be a different system.

I would suggest one joint household / family account that pays for home (rent or mortgage) all bills, all family groceries, kids expenses, family meals, days out and holidays. Kids birthday and Christmas presents.

Work out the budget for this allowing for all one off expenses, then you each set up a standing order for pay day paying your share in. Have the child benefit paid into this account.

Then the rest is personal spending or saving in your sole accounts.

He is a parasitic leech at the moment.

I would tell him that you both instigate this system or you will not pay a further penny for him. But you will have to stick to it.

You are being unreasonable for allowing this to happen and for so long.
I certainlyy would not put up with this. He doesn't show any signs of changing despite you mentioning it. So if he won't change then you have to.

Stop making food for him. Stop doing any washing for him and stop paying for holidays. I would also be plotting my escape from this man who shows no desire to be a team player.

He's not on your team, he isn't contributing
Yabu to put up with this nonsense

How did you get into this arrangement to start with? How did you become responsible for all the kids' expenses?

swap him out on the holiday for a friend who’d be delighted of a free break. That way you have help and he doesn’t get to freeload his way to Disneyland or whatever. I hate stingy men, it’s so not a good look, especially when they don’t want to pay for their own children. Gross.

He sounds terrible. Does he bring anything to the relationship, sounds utterly selfish. I think you need a joint account for kids purposes which all activities, clothes, holidays etc get paid out of. You both put the same amount into that each month.

I don’t understand why you have separate finances at all. You earn similar amounts. You chose to share a home, children, holidays, your whole lives together. Why don’t you just pay everything into a joint account, to fund your shared lives? I can’t think of an honourable reason why he wouldn’t agree to that.

Why on earth did you ever agree to this from the start and why have you let this go on for so long? He’s not a child living at home and paying board ffs!

I genuinely dont understand why people have finances like this.

Can you re look at them and do something like this: ( very basic low example)

If your combined wages are

£3k a month
Bills are £1k per month

That leaves £2k which is halved and each of you get an equal amount of £1k per month.

Any extra expenses holidays etc are taken out equally both shares?

Im the main wage earner in our household however i would never want to see my husband disadvantaged therefor we are equal.

I voted YABU but only because it’s bonkers that you would accept this and allow it to go on so long.

It’s insane that he’s not paying for his own children

Cwhy would you need help with kids on holiday?

However if that is the case he could say that you are paying for him to go as you can't manage yourself

Leave him