Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

What a nice life he's got!! You on the other hand,not so much. Sutuation won't get any better unless you do something about it, lots of good suggestions on the thread. Sorry to say this, but do something sooner rather than later as people get bored with doormats pretty quickly, if he hasn't already and moved on to pastures new. Sounds like a manipulative, narcissistic, childish POS and he thinks hes got you where he wants you. What he's doing is coersive control, you're skint because you pay for everything, you've got no support as you're either working, doing housework or looking after the kids, so no time for anything else and you're reliant on him for everything. He really has got you where he wants you OP.

Teach him the word cocklodger. I'm sure he wouldn't want his friends and family to know how much he depends on his wife paying for him. If you separate he won't have your subsidy and pointing that out might persuade him to transfer a reasonable amount every month into an account towards kids' expenses and holidays.

I’ll come with you on holiday!! Leave him behind.

Set up a joint account now and come pay day insist he sends over x% for savings and kids stuff.

What a git. Get your ducks in a row and get out. I have two young adult children and my partner (no relation) couldn't be more supportive financially emotionally and practically towards them (and me). We have been together for ten years. Their own father abandoned them and me 20 years ago.

As a bloke I would suggest this relationship is totally unbalanced. He's not pulling his weight and I would be very embarrassed about asking my wife or expecting her to pay for holidays and certainly not for family meals out. Where is his pride.

This needs to stop and the only way it stops is with u OP no matter how much he huffs, puffs and tries to in your words "bite your head off" stand your ground. Childrens clothes and activities should be put into the household budget and he wouldn't be going on holidays if he didn't contribute im sorry hes taking the mick now. Id be worrying what he's doing with this extra money my guess is he's saving up for something 🤔 women tighten the belt on occasion without there parenters knowledge with the intent to leave so they are financially secure. Obviously this is way out there and may not even be remotely true but its a possibility. Either way dont let this leach treat u like this

Why can't the system used for mortgage and bills be applied to other household expenses?

I’m sorry that you have to deal with this kind of behaviour op. Has your DH always been like this?

What does he spend his spare money on if you spend thousands on holidays?

If my DH told me “tough” after I had asked him to contribute to a family holiday I don’t think I would want him as my DH anymore. I certainly wouldn’t be doing any cooking, cleaning or laundry for him either!

Team up with a friend or family and go on a lovely holiday without him- one less person for you to take care of and extra spending money for you.

Just leave him. What is the point? He clearly doesn’t respect you and is absolutely taking you for a fool

OP. Do you intend to live out the rest of your precious life with this piece of shit? Get rid and start your new improved life. 💐

You did not magic up children on your own. This would irritate me no end. Draw up your budget including everything that you regularly pay out for the kids and an annual holiday. He then needs to contribute 50% of it. If he fails to do something, you are in a financially abusive relationship and it's time to start calling him out on it. If he doesn't want to go on holiday, he pays for half the kids holiday and you take a pal with you or find another family to go on holiday with if you don't think you will cope on your own (and honestly the thought of going on your own is worse than the reality - try starting of small like a weekend at a caravan park to build your confidence). He is relying on you doing the bulk of the work and backing away from an argument over money. He is treating you as a room mate not a partner in marriage. If he doesn't change, you need to decide if you are going to continue living in burn out and dissatisfaction or end this and be on your own. Let's face it, you are doing salaried work, all of the household work and all of the parenting. What exactly would you be losing since he seems to want to treat you as a maid rather than a partner and you are already doing everything so your work and mental load will not increase. Good luck from a stranger on the internet x

dear OP,
here is a different perspective on your situation, for you to consider:-
Your DH views the three - i.e. his & your - children as your "Consumer Choice and Hobby", he therefore he expects you to pay for ALL their concomitant expenses.
Meanwhile his "consumer choices & hobbies", e.g. on lads' away-break, costing £1.5K, are what he feels justified in spending his money on.

How do you feel about that, OP? Is it a picture of your marriage?
Is it satisfactory?

I would seriously counsel you to find a therapist, or a women's group, where you can share your situation and consider, with support, how to move forward.

And/Or apply to Citizen's Advice Bureau for free advice on splitting finances in divorce & separation.

Why isn't everything paid for from a joint account?- have a 2nd account as a fun fund by all means, but if you have lives together and children together there is absolutely no reason why everything can't be funded from a joint account.
I'm not married and we have no children- but all household expenses, including holidays come out of a joint account.
It sounds as if he doesn't want to pay his fair share- that has to stop , straight away there is no reason why you should be paying for stuff for the kids and holidays- you need to look into what your DH is spending his money on, and why he isn't taking his fair share of the burden.

I can understand if it works, which it does for you but for the OP it’s not working and legally it’s all one pot.

Another one who belongs in the bin.

List all the things you pay for by yourself and ask him to explain why he feels he doesn't need to contribute towards any of that.

I would be careful putting my salary in a joint account with this man. Either he is lying about having no money or he is spending elsewhere in god-knows-what. If he gets triggered by your conversations about money, it's highly probable he is hiding something. Do you know if he has any debts? Does he drink a lot or gamble?
The last thing you want is him spending his money and yours too.

He's spending his money elsewhere, or squirrelling it away ( other woman , gambling or planning an exit).

so the issue is that he doesn’t want to go in holidays with you and the kids. You have it.

Honestly, he doesn’t seem to be a prize. But exhaustion can have the best of us. Try and put some boundaries not for the wedding next year, change your budget now.

At the very least, I'd tell him he can pay for the wedding by himself because you're not paying a penny for it.

Why?????!!!!!!!

Leave him.

What are you staying for? He'll not change.

tell him he isn’t coming on the holiday.

It’s not a fair set up, you’ve raised things with him and he won’t engage as an adult. You can’t reason with someone like this. Whatever you say, he’ll have some nonsense to say in reply. It’s like hitting your head against a wall. Pointless. Both of you paying for kids stuff and sharing household work is a basic bottom line expectation for a partner and father. He can’t manage that nor have conversations that don’t result in him somehow throwing everything back on you. You are questioning your own instinct that his behaviour is completely unreasonable. I’d honestly start considering your options. Best wishes x

I wouldn’t allow this to happen in the first place - how have you? Do you not have a conversation before going on holiday about where you’re going and who’s paying for what? Or is it that he doesn’t want to go so you just book it?

Either way I don’t understand why you’d just fork out each time and continue doing it? Why?