Family finances how annoyed would you be

[worriedmum8686]

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

Dump him asap. I did & it was the best thing I did. A lot of blokes imagine that marriage as lots of sex & having their dinner made. The reality shows them up for the tossers they are. Get rid.

I would ask him if you can sit down together and go through his last 3 months worth of bank statements so you can see where he is overspending - because it isn’t acceptable for you to be paying fo everything

alternatively you could contact his parents and ask them if they can cover his half of the children’s clothing/activities etc.

ultimately it look like a divorce though, because this is financial abuse and dishonesty.

Honestly I would get rid. He's relying on you needing his help go with a friend or family membe you do it all alone at home anyway. Life is honestly much easier without a man that contributes nothing practical to the household and at least if you separate he'd have to pay maintenance!

Wow. I'm fuming on your behalf. What an entitled knob jockey. Get rid honestly.

All the money goes into one pot. Luxuries (including holidays with friends) are shared out equally once family expenses and savings are sorted.

He's abusing you financially. Stop paying for his holidays, cur the kids stuff down by 50% tell them that until dad contributes sadly they get less. Tell him that's what your doing. If he starts shouting chuck the cf out.

My DH accused me of not contributing to family finances til I pointed out how much I pay in nursery fees every month for the last 2years. (More than the mortgage, council tax and other bills plus I buy all food and clothes)

He hasn't mentioned it since.

If he is refusing to contribute to the holidays, easy: he doesn't get to go. Let him buy his own ticket!

Why?
Genuinely?

Let's just calm down abit, what is he spending his money on? It's funny when the tables are turned that all of a sudden "he ain't shit" when men have been tolerating this for millenia.

You need to ask him what's going on, why isn't he contributing? And to be honest, a boys trip or girls trip shouldn't be on the cards either when you're in a relationship that's out the window for men and women, you don't like it, be single.

I just don't understand why you're doing everything OP. You also need to find out where his money goes, for sure

Hey op sorry he’s doing this but he taking the piss you both need to put an equal amount each for kids etc. you should only be paying more if you earn more you tell him kids cost money it’s not just about the mortgage and bills. If he doesn’t do this call his bluff tell him to either leave or you reduce you working days so he’s contributing more. I cannot believe you let him do this to his kids. Forget the holidays for now but children’s stuff should come out of a joint account and if he really doesn’t want to go on holiday you go and leave the kids with him. You can’t do everything by yourself he’s being a manchild and doesn’t respect you.

Sounds similar to a friend of mine whose husband did the same thing as yours. She stopped paying for him. He didn't go on the family holidays, the nice outings, she didn't pay his health insurance, car/tax expenses and so on. Essentially they lived separate lives

He became ill and could not go out to work. So he stayed at home and she continued (with their children) to go on holidays while he stayed at home, too broke to even buy medicine.

Stop going on expensive holidays until you sit down and resolve it? It's a financial drain on you, the kids don't actually need it, and it's a stress point between you both, especially as he says he doesn't want to go.

The chores...if your 4th child, the adult one, doesn't contribute to chores then you say you have to go part time. It'll solve the problem of the holidays he doesn't want to go on. You keep a chunk of your part time money. If he has no money left at the end of the month even at this current stage, he'll soon learn how cushy he's had it so far!

This - you will never change him and you will be happier without him, my ex was exactly the same

Take your mum instead for support and leave him stranded.

what is he spending his disposable income on if the says he doesn’t have enough at the end of the month?

@worriedmum8686 Make sure you stick to it and that should just be the starting point .
Id also ask for a set amount t each month for kids need and a holiday fund and it’s non negotiable .
He has lads holidays and doesn’t pay for his kids ? At all Just wow

I’d end the relationship and make him pay.
Id rather pay to take someone else on holiday for help than him.

All money needs to be allocated each month, somewhere and once bill's and all extra funds for holidays are covered then he can have his personal spends

I'm a very old person with outdated views apparently but I don't understand a marriage where there is a concept of 'my money' and 'their money'. Even if you aren't religious don't the concepts of sickness, health and worldly goods apply ?

You need to know where his earnings are going and work on a family budget that includes everything. Is he paying for the cars to be serviced/new tyres, that type of thing?

our friends separated last year but haven’t done property settlement. One of them recently said to me they had enough of the other one because that person was using their petrol when mowing the lawns… 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I get that. That doesn’t go against what I said though - your children weren’t a shared expense.

It seems that his money is his, and if you want the pleasure of his company on holidays, you have to pay for him.

Are you sure he's worth it?

Absolutely. When I just lived with him, we had separate finances at first, but it gets awkward sorting out holidays, kid stuff etc, and so many people end up in situations like OP describes. I know some people have a joint account and then separate ones for each person's "fun" money, but again, that can be unfair, if one person's taken time out of work/reduced hours or refused promotions to do more with the kids. We just talk about any extra unusual expenses, like holidays, things the kids want and non-essential clothes for us before we buy (like most of us, sadly we don't have the disposable income to buy all we want, but at least this way it's fair because it's not always one person feeling put-upon.

If he “bites your head off” when you bring it up he’s a bully and trying to control you so you stop bringing up things he doesn’t want to discuss so he can continue to get away with it.