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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family finances how annoyed would you be

392 replies

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

OP posts:
Rednotdead · 05/06/2025 23:20

This is not OK. Can you start writing down all the extras that you pay for that he hasn’t contributed to and show him? He goes on holidays with his mates and leaves you with the children, can you do the same with your friends, even if it’s for a weekend? I think you need to have a serious conversation with him and if he kicks off let him know in no uncertain terms how unreasonable he’s being.

justasking111 · 05/06/2025 23:22

Take a relative or a friend on holiday with you @worriedmum8686

HeyThereDelila · 05/06/2025 23:41

I could not be married to a man like this. Hes tight, selfish, a bad husband and father and content to freeload off you. Why are you still with him??

OhcantthInkofaname · 05/06/2025 23:52

You said household costs are 50/50.
They are your children are part of the household. The children's expenses need to be included.

kkloo · 06/06/2025 02:18

Iceboy80 · 05/06/2025 21:37

Let's just calm down abit, what is he spending his money on? It's funny when the tables are turned that all of a sudden "he ain't shit" when men have been tolerating this for millenia.

You need to ask him what's going on, why isn't he contributing? And to be honest, a boys trip or girls trip shouldn't be on the cards either when you're in a relationship that's out the window for men and women, you don't like it, be single.

Which men (for millenia) have been tolerating a woman paying for half the bills but nothing towards the kids expenses, while he pays for half the bills, plus all of the kids expenses, plus he has to do all of the cooking, cleaning and washing etc? 🤔🤔🤔

LoudSnoringDog · 06/06/2025 04:55

I honestly don’t understand this approach to finances when you live together and have children. Everything should just go in one pot.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 06/06/2025 06:59

I'm sorry OP, you should be investing your money on therapy. Why do you pay for all the children's clothes, outing, etc, plus HIS holidays, and you do everything around the house? Is he a Brad Pitt with a giant d*?? Your problem is low self-esteem. If you don't stop this now, it's your own fault, I'm afraid.

Never book another holiday for him. Give him an invoice for half his children's clothes, outings, etc. Stop washing his clothes, etc. If you don't change, he won't. The question is: why are you allowing this?

Todayismyfavouriteday · 06/06/2025 07:10

Iceboy80 · 05/06/2025 21:37

Let's just calm down abit, what is he spending his money on? It's funny when the tables are turned that all of a sudden "he ain't shit" when men have been tolerating this for millenia.

You need to ask him what's going on, why isn't he contributing? And to be honest, a boys trip or girls trip shouldn't be on the cards either when you're in a relationship that's out the window for men and women, you don't like it, be single.

Men who used to pay for their children's and wives' clothes and outings historically (I can feel how much you miss the fifties here) did not do all the cleaning, cooking, etc. etc.

Girls and boys trips are out of the question if you are in a relationship, otherwise stay single? More fifties nostalgia here. ..Time travel, anyone?

FleurDeFleur · 06/06/2025 07:31

LoudSnoringDog · 06/06/2025 04:55

I honestly don’t understand this approach to finances when you live together and have children. Everything should just go in one pot.

I agree. It's very strange to me because if you're married, it's a joint endeavour in every sense, especially if you have children. We had a joint account from the get go. It's one pot. That's it. It has worked perfectly well for over 30 years.

FleurDeFleur · 06/06/2025 07:33

Also, I have no idea why so many men on these threads do not do childcare or share the household chores. Why is there such a low bar?

VivIsBlonde · 06/06/2025 07:40

Do what we do!
He pays every single bill and I pay for everything for the children and we pay half each for our holidays!
What ever is left goes into our own individual savings accounts!

crumblingschools · 06/06/2025 07:49

@VivIsBlonde do you have the same amount of savings? Is there a reason you only pay towards the children? I always feel that perpetuates the myth that everything to do with children, including parenting, is the woman’s role

Zoec1975 · 06/06/2025 07:53

i guess if you get child benefit he thinks that will be paying for clothes and bits.talk to him.

SlowestHorse · 06/06/2025 08:25

Why does he have no money left at the end of the month? Is he sticking it all in his pension (at your expense)?

PithyTaupeWriter · 06/06/2025 08:28

There seems to be a lot of men out there who really do not like their wives and kids at all. I think they like the aesthetic of having a family, because it makes them look like totally normal people, but the actual reality they hate. This man sounds like a very nasty piece of work. OP your life will be so much easier if you get rid of the overgrown child.

countingthedays945 · 06/06/2025 08:38

That’s why DH and I have one account. I couldn’t be doing with all this crap!

Airspice · 06/06/2025 09:20

Jesus OP grow some balls!

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:39

IamSmarticus · 03/06/2025 23:09

YABU for putting up with it! I wouldn't be booking any more holidays, well not for him anyway.

This. And given everything else is halves and balanced 50:50, and you’re incomes are pretty much the same, personally if I were you I’d just go into it with just the expectation that he pays half, as he should, not ask him what he is going to contribute!! Do you/can you have a joint savings pot? Holiday fund that you both equally put towards?

Please don’t let his unreasonable behaviour mean you stop fighting for fairness. Let it be an indicator to you about who he really is. He is doing the bare minimum. What else is he also not doing?

Has he got hidden gambling issues or debt stuff which is making him behave differently? Like you say though, he paid for his own holiday….

Indeed, I’d be reviewing your options, and not just about whether you take him on your holiday with you again in future!!

Good luck!

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:43

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:20

No I do the school run because his commute is longer

I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing I am really feeling burnt out. He tells me that he has no money left at end of the month.

Then where is the rest of his money going?

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:48

myrtle70 · 03/06/2025 23:53

My exH was like this. It’s not just about the money (although resentment about that can kill a marriage) it’s that he’s behaving as though dc are your sole responsibility. Did he want dc? Ex later said he hadn’t been bothered and had dc because I wanted to - sadly he didn’t say this at the time or let me know in advance he’d expect me to fund them solo.

You need full financial disclosure eg he could have savings or paying extra into pension you know nothing about. Or be gambling.

Dont spend any extra money on him above essential bills eg cancel tv subscriptions or memberships that come out of joint account. Prioritise saving up an escape fund as I think you will need one. And a uni fund for dc as he clearly won’t be contributing.

If he won’t change then you are incompatible as have totally different values about responsibility and he’s incredibly selfish. Ex also claimed to be just crap with money but in reality he knew exactly what he was doing taking advantage of me knowing I wouldn’t let dc go without. Financially I was better off cutting him loose.

Sorry, OP, but I think this.

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 09:53

dustygrey · 04/06/2025 09:02

if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

Well look fucking back at him, and tell him to get his wallet out

Absolutely! It’s your turn, sunshine!!

Hopingtobeaparent · 06/06/2025 10:06

myrtle70 · 04/06/2025 10:45

Having been in this situation (but with less money) the OP is not ‘allowing it’. She can’t control how he behaves. People don’t announce they are selfish pricks they tend to hide this and it becomes apparent slowly. It’s difficult to end a relationship over the cost of an holiday or money once you already have dc. Sometimes it’s when the novelty of parenting wears off and the other parent resents the impact of dc on finances and hobbies having originally been positive and promising to share things fairly that problems emerge.

It’s no different to (usually) men who don’t do their share childcare or housework having promised to be ‘hands on’ - or the (usually) women who avoid going back to work after dc and don’t financially contribute. Lots of people end up in situations once dc are on scene where one partner selfishly shifts the goalposts from what the couple agreed pre dc in their favour and it stops being a proper partnership.

OP clearly wants to give her dc a lovely childhood and he knows this and is gambling she won’t want to blow up the family over his behaviour - which is basically her only choice. You can’t actually force another adult to act fairly. This is 100% on him.

This. Regardless to the background context, this is where you are at, this is how he’s behaving, and how he’s seeing/using you in the family dynamic.

It is now up to you to what you do with this information moving forward, what your boundaries are, and what you’re willing to accept and tolerate.

Aquathest · 06/06/2025 11:20

@worriedmum8686 no one has the perfect relationship and there are things we may look back on and wish we had done differently. But in the here and now you are already annoyed because you know this is not how a relationship with a ‘dear husband’ should look or work.

Not only is this situation damaging for you as the ‘partner’ but think about what it is teaching your children.

He is not contributing to family life in a way a committed partner and parent would want to, without being asked.

Your husband is showing you who he is, so you might just need to believe him…

petmad · 06/06/2025 13:52

Youre both the parents you both should pay equal get a joint account work out the bills 50/50. If he suggests going out for meals get the money upfront if not dont go

Grammarninja · 06/06/2025 16:47

Infuriating! I don't know how you can even look at him tbh.