Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family finances how annoyed would you be

392 replies

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:06

myself and DH have three primary school aged kids. both work full time and earn the same salary. The mortgage and household bills are split 50:50

everything else I pay for
childrens activities
clothes for the children
days out for the children
if we go out for food he looks at me to pay

but what has really annoyed me me this year is that he hasn't paid anything towards our family holiday. It has cost £6000 for 11 days at peak time and he has honestly given me nothing towards it. I paid for the flights, accommodation, car hire and all the kids clothes for going on holiday. He however went on a boys trip in April for four days that cost £1500 had no issue finding the money for that. As I've been paying off the holiday when I ask him what he plans to give towards it he bites my head off so I have just stopped. I also brought the five of us to Disneyland in September as I had came into some money that just about covered it again he didn't even give towards the spending money.

when we are talking with family or friends he doesn't I'll say about how much we have spent on these things. Or jobs aren't great either just your average income

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 05/06/2025 19:17

Your problem is your sketchy man. You record conversations because you don’t trust him. He gets away with what you let him, you’ve unwittingly became complicit in his fuckery

what does he bring to the relationship? Is he kind?thoughtful?supportive?
Why is he skint?

Braygirlnow · 05/06/2025 19:18

Have a saving account for holiday you both put in same every month and if he doesn't put in 50% "because he doesn't have it" then you don't have it the next month...just match his input, if it's not enough for the holiday don't go.
And tell him he needs to pay towards his children too...if he doesn't have it yet you on same salary do what's he doing with his money?

SkiLesArcs · 05/06/2025 19:18

I’m guessing you have been together a long time and things have got progressively worse. Yes, seems easy to give the advice of pooling wages and paying all joint expenses, holidays, meals out from this pot but he has got so used to domineering and controlling you that it will never work. He is using you as a free meal ticket and that is not acceptable under any circumstance. What is he doing with his cash!!! Only way forward here is to try some type of mediation but unless you are on a very low monthly wage this can be expensive. He needs to really see things from your point of view and how you are feeling mentally and emotionally as well as physically (knackered and no cash). Do any of your close friends know what is going on, could anyone help you both sit down together and do an honest review of past few months expenditure. Think you really need to know where his cash is going (affair, child from previous relationship, secret stash) as his lack of empathy for you and what is going on is really quite astounding.

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 05/06/2025 19:23

This just isn't right. If you earn the same you should go halves on everything that you both benefit from like things for the children and the holidays. Then whatever you each have left, which should be roughly the same, can be for personal use. Its a really unfair arrangement and needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. It doesn't sound like he is easy to reason with though but you have to stand your ground otherwise it will just manifest in deep resentment and worst case scenario, possibly end of marriage.

Zone2NorthLondon · 05/06/2025 19:28

we have separate finances own wages no shared finances. Mine is mine , his is his but
joint mortgage pro rata to salary
joint acc for childcare, utilities,holidays, trips
jointly pay into a shared account for family expenditures a just in case fund
separate finances is achievable and fair but all joint costs need to be shared

Nazzywish · 05/06/2025 19:29

This is so bizarre. I'd understand.if you were just dating and no kids being like this but your married and have kids. It defies belief that you don't know where his money goes and seem to allow this to continue. Marriage is sharing everything and I get in some cases its done differently but here he's not even attempting to be in a partnership. He is fully out OP financially and maybe in otherwise if he's that much if a awful person and doing nothing. What does he bring to the table - nothing- how does he add anything good to your life? --nothing. Get rid of him or get counseling to see if it's salvageable.

Moii · 05/06/2025 19:30

He must have a stash, he's doing something with it.

HazelCritic · 05/06/2025 19:46

Why haven't you asked him to contribute towards the children's expenses before this? Why isn't he putting more money in the joint account to cover that? Have you tried to discuss this in the past with him?
I suspect you have and he gets angry or you've never tried because you fear his reaction.
Which makes me think this is actually abusive. And/or he's got an addiction to something because where is his money going?

Isthisit22 · 05/06/2025 19:49

What is the actual point of him?

Birch101 · 05/06/2025 19:52

This makes no sense, you both earn the same doesn't it all just go into a joint accounts and then amounts put aside for, mortgage, bills, childcare, car costs, holidays etc that's what we do

yaya83 · 05/06/2025 19:53

I know you’ve said that you need him for help with the kids and initially I thought, bring someone else like your mum/ a friend-I’d rather pay for them than him.
But my second thought was what kind of relationship is it if you’re even contemplating that.

Honestly, he’s taking you for a mug. If you LTB, at least you’ll receive mandatory maintenance for the stuff you’re currently paying for.

Justlurking2025 · 05/06/2025 19:56

does he have a gambling problem?
odd there is no money at the end of the month but not contributing equally.

RingInTheNew · 05/06/2025 19:59

I don’t get it when people are married and don’t just stick all their money in one account (if they trust each other - I know this isn’t a given…) or at least have an account that pays for everything that is a shared expense.

Gyozas · 05/06/2025 20:03

This man is a cunt.

I’m so sick of reading on here about decent women being lumbered with truly shit men.

blubberyboo · 05/06/2025 20:03

worriedmum8686 · 03/06/2025 23:14

I need his help with the kids on holiday or I wouldn't book him on. There is a big family wedding for his side next year and I've told him he can book it all I'm refusing

I would take a friend before I took a twat like that. See how much he "doesn't want to go" once he sees you paying for a friend and not him!

As for the wedding just dig in and pay for not one thing. Not a dress, shoe or gift. He pays for it all or you are not going.

Nurse08 · 05/06/2025 20:04

What is he contributing to your marriage? He should shape up or get out. You'd be no worse off, just have 1 less baby to deal with

HolidayIsBooked · 05/06/2025 20:11

Holidays, meals out and costs associated with the children come out of the shared account. They are family expenses. So you both increase your contribution to cover the estimated annual cost of all of these things. Anything less is financial abuse.

FedupofArsenalgame · 05/06/2025 20:17

yaya83 · 05/06/2025 19:53

I know you’ve said that you need him for help with the kids and initially I thought, bring someone else like your mum/ a friend-I’d rather pay for them than him.
But my second thought was what kind of relationship is it if you’re even contemplating that.

Honestly, he’s taking you for a mug. If you LTB, at least you’ll receive mandatory maintenance for the stuff you’re currently paying for.

However the maintenance is unlikely to be as much as half the mortgage and bills.

FedupofArsenalgame · 05/06/2025 20:19

RingInTheNew · 05/06/2025 19:59

I don’t get it when people are married and don’t just stick all their money in one account (if they trust each other - I know this isn’t a given…) or at least have an account that pays for everything that is a shared expense.

I was married but it wouldn't have been remotely fair to expect my husband to pay half or more of everything. If you share kids fair enough but I had 3 kids that weren't his. Not his responsibility to cough up for them

Bleachedlevis · 05/06/2025 20:37

He’s taking the piss. He’s acting as if he’s not a part of your family. So make it official. Get rid.

Lrichy13 · 05/06/2025 20:45

You need to have a joint account which each of you put a set amount in to every month to cover kids clothes, days out, holidays, kids clubs etc. pay 50/50 bills and whatever is left over is your own. He’s not being fair and I would suggest he’s either blowing his money or he has a nice savings pot. Be firm and don’t take no for an answer, it’s bordering on financial abuse.

jljlj · 05/06/2025 20:46

The holiday this year is a sunk cost now, presumably.

The big family wedding - he can plan, organise and pay the lot. Tell him you have no money left and that you paid for the last trip so it’s his turn.

He isn’t on your team OP. You have 3 kids and that is really tough - you need to work as a team or it’s just impossible. I would say that you need to do something to make this stop - either tell him that me must contribute equally to kids clothing/whatever/holiday (and not be a rude cunt when asked), or start thinking about how you could divorce him. Fundamentally he seems all about himself and that isn’t someone you can have as a life partner and expect to be sane at the end of it all.

jljlj · 05/06/2025 20:48

A pp makes a good point - has he got savings stashed whilst you meet the family expenses? He sounds evil. I would seriously think about getting rid.

CornishDew · 05/06/2025 20:48

Children’s expenses are a joint expense and should come out of a joint account just like a mortgage and bills. If he doesn’t want to holiday, you can’t force him. However don’t let him get a free holiday, go without him alone or take someone else. I personally travel solo with my DD and leave partner at home as we holiday better that way, but I do only have one so it’s totally different than having 3

Hotflushesandchilblains · 05/06/2025 20:49

I am honestly flummoxed as to how this happens. It sounds really common from posts on here, but how can this start and continue? Who are these fucking men who think their partners should pay all the costs for the children? And if you go nuts when it first happens, does it stop? OP, I cannot imagine how hard this is, but it would be deal breaker for me.