Page 6 | Child’s Friend Calling DH A Racist Name

kurotora · 2025-06-03T15:05:54+00:00

I’m a bit flabbergasted at this! DD5 (Reception) occasionally brings home a friend to play, friend’s mum doesn’t come with. DH picks them up, he also does almost every pick up and drop off so he’s the one the other kids see most. Today the friend came back to the house and three times called DH by a racist name - “karate chops” - he’s British Vietnamese. We both looked at each other in shock. The third time I told her that she must not call him that -he’s DD’s Dad. I asked her why she called him that name but she just laughed. AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I don’t think the child got it from her mum, who is a single parent and not British herself, she doesn’t seem like the type and she’s been very nice to us. DD is suffering a lot of bullying in school and this has incensed me as I feel like it may be coming from another child in class.

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:31

TryForSpring · 04/06/2025 22:22

That’s an odd inference to make, but I guess it’s deflection. You’re uncomfortable defending your opinions?

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Not uncomfortable at all. I’ve defended my opinions. Not once have I said OP doesn’t have the right to be offended. She does. I’m disagreeing it’s racist, but in my opinion is stereotyping. I can’t help it if you don’t agree with my opinion. But we all have a right to voice our own opinion on something, right?

Tadahhh · 04/06/2025 22:32

Changeminds20 · 04/06/2025 22:28

I’ve just re-read this…. It is racist but you also have to think about how a 5 year old may see a Japanese person and a Vietnamese as looking similar they are still so young and may not differentiate ethnicity between people yet, that said she may have watched some karate film/programme and that’s where it’s come from. I’m not excusing it just trying to play devils advocate. Also if the parents don’t know this is being said how can they educate going forward?
Also bullying in reception….. WTF! That’s terrible. What kind of things is your DD saying to make you think she’s being bullied?

Edited

That’s because you’re not SE Asian descent.

QurikySparrowHatrack · 04/06/2025 22:33

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:31

Not uncomfortable at all. I’ve defended my opinions. Not once have I said OP doesn’t have the right to be offended. She does. I’m disagreeing it’s racist, but in my opinion is stereotyping. I can’t help it if you don’t agree with my opinion. But we all have a right to voice our own opinion on something, right?

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Stereotyping based on......?

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:34

Tadahhh · 04/06/2025 22:30

Was that a little joke in there too?

I see too that you’re answering my point.

Clearly baiting

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🙄

Ihateracism · 04/06/2025 22:37

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/06/2025 09:51

I am very sympathetic to what you’re saying. However, as a Black woman, will point out that recent immigrants are considerably more likely to be overtly racist, dependent on their country of origin.

We have our issues, but the majority of countries - even in Europe - are significantly more racist than the U.K. and there are lots of places where ‘Karate Chops’ wouldn’t even cause an eyebrow raise.

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I’ve changed my username just to agree with you! I’m mixed race, part East Asian. The most horrific racial abuse I’ve experienced is from non-white people (although I’ve heard racism is really bad in certain mainland European countries). I’m in my 20s and experienced a lot of racism when I was at school.

Tadahhh · 04/06/2025 22:41

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:31

Not uncomfortable at all. I’ve defended my opinions. Not once have I said OP doesn’t have the right to be offended. She does. I’m disagreeing it’s racist, but in my opinion is stereotyping. I can’t help it if you don’t agree with my opinion. But we all have a right to voice our own opinion on something, right?

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My opinion is that you’re a racist. Just my opinion, but I’m holding on to it.

Right time for sleep.

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:41

QurikySparrowHatrack · 04/06/2025 22:33

Stereotyping based on......?

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I refuse to explain to you what stereotyping is. I’ve invested enough time and energy in this post. It’s just getting to be like Groundhog Day - round in circles, getting nowhere. I don’t want to derail OPs post by getting pulled into other posters’ agendas. I suggest you go back to helping the OP with her request for advice/help…….

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:43

Tadahhh · 04/06/2025 22:41

My opinion is that you’re a racist. Just my opinion, but I’m holding on to it.

Right time for sleep.

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Night….

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/06/2025 22:47

Stereotyping is racist <head desk>

”All Asians are good at maths” = racist.

I don’t get your motive for maintaining it’s just offensive and not racist. What are you winning? Again, as I said before, if I didn’t find X comment racist or offensive but Person Y did, then Y trumps. Because in situations of [suspected] racism you ALWAYS err on the side of caution.

QurikySparrowHatrack · 04/06/2025 22:59

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:41

I refuse to explain to you what stereotyping is. I’ve invested enough time and energy in this post. It’s just getting to be like Groundhog Day - round in circles, getting nowhere. I don’t want to derail OPs post by getting pulled into other posters’ agendas. I suggest you go back to helping the OP with her request for advice/help…….

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I'm not asking you to explain to me what stereotyping is (as I suspect you know, but are dodging).

I'll help you out and fill in the blank for you: it is stereotyping based on race.

Or, if you prefer, racial stereotyping.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/06/2025 23:00

One particular poster has just made me eyeroll so hard at this thread, I CBA. However, OP, I validate you and your husband that the comment was racist.

This thread has made me remember that when I was 5/6, I had some white kid sing to me the whole “my mum’s Chinese, my dad’s Japanese, so look what happened to me!” and then do the eyes pulled in opposite directions thing… the kid wasn’t trying to be a dick. He did it mid conversation (I can remember his full name!), like it was normal chat.

I’m not saying this kid said this to your DH in a similar vein, but what I’m trying to badly convey is how to deal with this with your daughter. As the kid above was singing to me, I was just perplexed. I didn’t know what he meant…and I simultaneously thought “what a prat! Why’s he singing this irrelevant song?”. So, clearly, along the way my parents had conveyed to me that people say stupid shit. Water off a duck’s back. Pity their ignorance. It’s a reflection of them and not you etc.

When I was in my 20s, I had a group of women (strangers) yell at me from across a street, “go home to Japan!” and I was beaming! I very much favour the “scared of the sun” pale look and I was delighted they thought I had a whole Japanese skincare regime down (my East Asian component isn’t Japanese). I’ve never felt “bad” when I’ve heard a racist comment directed at me. Help give DD a thick skin and realise that comments like this are FA to do with her and everything to do with the poor upbringing of the ignoramus.

WeHaveTheRabbit · 04/06/2025 23:03

It is fascinating (and more than a little depressing) the lengths some people will go to in order to discount, defend, or excuse racism. The wide-eyed faux naïf act is just tiresome.

The child’s name calling was obviously racist. I don’t blame her, it’s highly unlikely she understood the implications of her remark. But that doesn’t make it any less racist.

NewbieSM · 04/06/2025 23:14

Livelovebehappy · 04/06/2025 22:31

Not uncomfortable at all. I’ve defended my opinions. Not once have I said OP doesn’t have the right to be offended. She does. I’m disagreeing it’s racist, but in my opinion is stereotyping. I can’t help it if you don’t agree with my opinion. But we all have a right to voice our own opinion on something, right?

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You are of course entitled to your opinion, your opinion is just incorrect. Have you even bothered to do a modicum of research into the definition and application of racist behaviour to back up your stance? You write quite eloquently so I’m struggling to think that you are of low intelligence, so my inference from your continued posts minimising racist behaviour is that you are in fact a racist. Either that or you are spectacularly ignorant and intellectually challenged. So which is it? Are you racist or are you stupid?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/06/2025 23:14

Ihateracism · 04/06/2025 22:37

I’ve changed my username just to agree with you! I’m mixed race, part East Asian. The most horrific racial abuse I’ve experienced is from non-white people (although I’ve heard racism is really bad in certain mainland European countries). I’m in my 20s and experienced a lot of racism when I was at school.

Edited

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I’m very sorry to hear that, but not massively surprised.

ThatJollyGreySquid · 04/06/2025 23:15

kurotora · 04/06/2025 14:39

I’ll be honest here, anyone saying it’s not racist is dreaming. You could Google Jackie Chan and get nothing but fan pages and film reviews, but calling a random East Asian man “Jackie Chan” is racist af. Making “kung fu noises” at an East Asian is offensive. It is on the same level as calling them chink or slitty eyes. It’s boring, repetitive, stupid and sadly very very common racist bullshit. And I assure you, someone like my husband who was born and grew up in the UK has heard it all ad nauseum for 4 decades.

And for the love of dog, there is no Asian cartoon character called “Karate Chops” on TV.

Unfortunately it seems that racism towards East Asians is minimised where it certainly wouldn’t be towards some other groups. It should all be equally unacceptable.

The AIBU was not “is this a racist term”, because I felt that was extremely obvious.

As a teacher, mocking East Asians seems to be the last bastion of racism. I am really fed up of hearing kung fu style shrieks and ridiculous comments about eye shapes, foods and Covid, so I can only imagine how East Asians must feel.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/06/2025 23:19

Of course it's fucking racist. It is so incredibly obvious that it's racist that there is no room for debate. I honestly can't believe that people are still going round in circles on this.

@Livelovebehappy, your posts on this thread are an utter disgrace.

TempestTost · 04/06/2025 23:26

That's a very young child.

Children that age will repeat something they hear from pretty much any source that strikes them as funny, and I can easily imagine that a child would think that a very funny thing to call someone. It hits the humour of that age group perfectly.

The child would have no idea it's offensive. They don't have the context or social maturity to see that on their own.

I'd just ask her not to use it. "Please don't call me that, I don't like it," or "that's a bit of a rude thing to call someone, so please don't do it again."

There's no reason to hold something like that against a small child any more than if they were repeating some swear word or scatological words to get a laugh.

Theroadt · 04/06/2025 23:36

kurotora · 03/06/2025 17:23

As a British Viet, my husband has had a lifetime of Bruce Lee/Jackie Chan/karate/kung fu comments in various forms. It’s a mainstay of racist mockery against East Asians.

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Gosh it’s shocking you had to explain that 😳

QurikySparrowHatrack · 04/06/2025 23:41

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/06/2025 23:19

Of course it's fucking racist. It is so incredibly obvious that it's racist that there is no room for debate. I honestly can't believe that people are still going round in circles on this.

@Livelovebehappy, your posts on this thread are an utter disgrace.

I remember the first time I noticed Livelovebehappy on a thread.

There was a poster who was was having an extremely difficult time dealing with her mother (who had long-term addiction issues, was not able to care for herself and who had been discharged from hospital into the OP's care).

The OP (who had a spouse and young kids) was finding her mother's presence very challenging and couldn't see a way out (in part, because her mother refused to allow her to take any steps that would enable her to return safely to her flat)

The OP (who posted in Relationships, not AIBU) wasn't posting for advice but just looking for a hand-hold.

Livelovebehappy abused her relentlessly, despite the OP clearly becoming more and more distressed. Eventually, the OP posted that she was going to kill herself. The OP didn't return and Mumsnet deleted the thread.

I don't get why the likes of her are permitted to continue to post.

Original poster

kurotora · 04/06/2025 23:42

TempestTost · 04/06/2025 23:26

That's a very young child.

Children that age will repeat something they hear from pretty much any source that strikes them as funny, and I can easily imagine that a child would think that a very funny thing to call someone. It hits the humour of that age group perfectly.

The child would have no idea it's offensive. They don't have the context or social maturity to see that on their own.

I'd just ask her not to use it. "Please don't call me that, I don't like it," or "that's a bit of a rude thing to call someone, so please don't do it again."

There's no reason to hold something like that against a small child any more than if they were repeating some swear word or scatological words to get a laugh.

Once again, to reiterate since posters haven’t picked this up from multiple repetitions: I put absolutely no responsibility for this remark on a 5 year old, that would be ludicrous. It is that this has come from somewhere and in my opinion (once again) that’s parents of other children in the school. And I’m fairly sure it’s the same ones who have children (cousins) that are bullying my child right now.

DH wants to ignore it and that is his prerogative and of course his decision since he’s the one being called this stupid, racist epithet. But I cannot help but feel angry and saddened - and thoroughly impotent - that we are dealing with this and at the shitty people who originated it.

The only course of action is, in the context of the wider issues of bullying, to change schools but with how oversubscribed our local schools are it has been maddeningly hard. My fingers are crossed for the renewed continued interest lists later this month, and that some children will be being moved at the end of the school year.

OP posts:

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/06/2025 23:45

hmmm, idk. Is it your DH’s prerogative? I assume your child is biologically his and, even if not, she will eventually clock these kinds of comments and feel upset that her dad/mum just “takes” them.

It was very important for me when I saw my (white) dad take absolutely zero shit from people (even 10 year olds) say racist stuff to my mum.

Ihateracism · 05/06/2025 06:25

TempestTost · 04/06/2025 23:26

That's a very young child.

Children that age will repeat something they hear from pretty much any source that strikes them as funny, and I can easily imagine that a child would think that a very funny thing to call someone. It hits the humour of that age group perfectly.

The child would have no idea it's offensive. They don't have the context or social maturity to see that on their own.

I'd just ask her not to use it. "Please don't call me that, I don't like it," or "that's a bit of a rude thing to call someone, so please don't do it again."

There's no reason to hold something like that against a small child any more than if they were repeating some swear word or scatological words to get a laugh.

5 year olds know it’s hurtful and racist. I was 5 when a boy kept pulling his eyes at me and laughing. @kurotora I wouldn’t invite the racist child over to your house again to protect your daughter. The child has obviously learnt it somewhere and didn’t stop despite knowing it was racist.

WitcheryDivine · 05/06/2025 06:28

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 04/06/2025 23:45

hmmm, idk. Is it your DH’s prerogative? I assume your child is biologically his and, even if not, she will eventually clock these kinds of comments and feel upset that her dad/mum just “takes” them.

It was very important for me when I saw my (white) dad take absolutely zero shit from people (even 10 year olds) say racist stuff to my mum.

Yes good point and also clearly she is half Viet and this may become something the bullies pick on more as time goes on.

Re school transfer, SURELY children being targeted for racism and bullying should be bumped up the list, have you contacted the powers that be (council?) to explain how bad things are?

PringleDiamond · 05/06/2025 06:37

Dangermoo · 04/06/2025 09:55

Your DH sounds very admirable.

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Because he is quietly accepting racism?

PringleDiamond · 05/06/2025 06:39

MN never disappoints. Always bending over backwards to minimise racism. Of course this is a racist term, even if nobody has ever heard of it before. It is stereotyping this man simply because of his racial appearance. I would guess the child has heard this at home and this is how the mum has referred to the OP’s husband.