Child’s Friend Calling DH A Racist Name

[kurotora]

I’m a bit flabbergasted at this!

DD5 (Reception) occasionally brings home a friend to play, friend’s mum doesn’t come with. DH picks them up, he also does almost every pick up and drop off so he’s the one the other kids see most.

Today the friend came back to the house and three times called DH by a racist name - “karate chops” - he’s British Vietnamese. We both looked at each other in shock. The third time I told her that she must not call him that -he’s DD’s Dad. I asked her why she called him that name but she just laughed.

AIBU to be really annoyed about this? I don’t think the child got it from her mum, who is a single parent and not British herself, she doesn’t seem like the type and she’s been very nice to us.

DD is suffering a lot of bullying in school and this has incensed me as I feel like it may be coming from another child in class.

Raise it with the mum when she picks up. Do it in a light hearted ooh just incase ddsfriend mentions anything about this later, I was a little stern with her as I'd asked her 3 times to nat call DH said name as it's not appropriate and it's upset DD.

Exactly. As well as comments about slitty eyes OR pulling their eyes at the corner in mockery. The yellow peril. Etc etc.

It's very obviously racist. Posters shouldn't try to gaslight the OP by claiming that it isn't.

I would definitely raise it with the school, OP. And I would also say something to the mum. Most decent parents would absolutely want to know if their dc were using racist names for people. I'm sure you can phrase it in s way that makes it clear that the child probably didn't intend to be offensive.

If it happens again, I would also be having a firm conversation with the child myself to explain why that kind of language isn't appropriate.

What does that term even mean? I don't mean to be funny but I have never ever heard that term. I would tell the mum not the school I'm sure the girls mother will be horrified OP.

Because it stereotypes an Asian person. Stereotypes are always bad because they treat other people as one or two dimensional and not fully human beings with multiple dimensions just like you.

It's like calling an English person 'soccer hooligan'.

It's a karate reference.

Unfortunately as op explained her husband has been houded with being called all things under the sun related to karate/ kung fu and martial arts because of the way he looks.

Some people will even just make karate noises and grunts because they think they are being funny.

Tell her you don't talk like that, take her home immediately and you really need to talk to her mom and I strongly disagree with being light about it. This is serious. You need to treat it seriously Her kid's picking up racist speech somewhere. You can't let this slide and you can't have her back to your house until you know this won't happen again.

I think you need to talk to the school too.

Presumably it wasn’t about a character named ‘Karate Chops’? In which case, I’m unclear as to your point. Karate chops are a thing and they exist. Nobody has an issue with that. Stereotyping and calling an Asian person ‘Karate chops’ is racist. That is the issue.

Is it possibly something she's heard another child say in school? Has your DD said that other children in school have made comment on her dad's ethnicity? It might be worth having a word with the teacher.

This is a slightly different perspective but I remember using racist terms as a kid (learnt from my male parent). I had absolutely no idea they were racist or inappropriate.

Also, I had very swarthy skin, and used to get called every racist term under the sun. Had songs. Taunts. Used to spat on and called a racist word.

Definitely speak to the Mum and the school.

You need to ask why reducing someone who comes from south east Asia, getting lumped in with a completely different nationality and getting called a reductive term that has nothing to do with his cultural background is racist?

No it's like calling British people Pedro or Stavros because all Europeans are the same aren't they

How is it rude? Where has anyone said only Brits can be racist?

OP knows this woman (regardless of her race) and thinks the racist language is not coming from her. That’s not ‘rude’, that’s her instincts about this woman.

I feel like I need to make it abundantly clear as to why I described the mum as I did, since that seems to be an issue for some people who think that my description means she’s immune to being racist:

I described her as not British - she’s a recent immigrant and on the balance I expect she experiences some discrimination herself. Her English isn’t great. I cannot imagine her using a racist name for DH in her home especially since she has been nothing but genuinely nice towards us both.

I described her as on her own, not because that somehow makes her less likely to be racist but to softly explain there’s no one else in the home that the child would be getting it from and no family there that have encountered DH.

In the end, DH is the one in charge of what to do, and he doesn’t want to say anything. His attitude is that “you start talking about these things and draw attention to them, then it makes it become A Thing, you need to ignore them or it makes it worse.”

I don’t fully agree but he’s only on board with reinforcing to the child that she is only allowed to call him “DD’s Dad”, not anything else, or she won’t be allowed round to play.

What stuck out to me with this thread is that you say you're constantly raising issues around racism to the school. Have you spoken to the head? If so and nothing is getting done, you should write to the chair of governors. I'm white and I'd be appalled to discover terms like this were being let slide in my kids school. It's really obviously racist!

I am very sympathetic to what you’re saying. However, as a Black woman, will point out that recent immigrants are considerably more likely to be overtly racist, dependent on their country of origin.

We have our issues, but the majority of countries - even in Europe - are significantly more racist than the U.K. and there are lots of places where ‘Karate Chops’ wouldn’t even cause an eyebrow raise.

Your DH sounds very admirable.

We’re raising issues around physical bullying constantly, not racism. They have allowed two boys to repeatedly hit my DD, and repeat the refrain that they have no idea, they’ve seen nothing etc etc. I do have another thread on it but the fight at the moment is to get her school changed.

I’ll fully accept my ignorance on this matter then. It’s still my gut feeling that the mum isn’t saying these things but I’ll accept that I could be wrong.

You’re ’doubtful it’s racist’? 🤣

No such cartoon character exists. And if you don’t see how calling an Asian person that is racist, then I’m genuinely worried for you.

And you’re probably correct. You know her and we don’t. I was just pointing out the issues with the ‘recent immigrant’ assumption.

Aah.
Bit like when people from up North have to put up with endless 'jokes' about whippets and flat caps then?
Racist or stereotype?

I would say this is a school issue.

I’m British-East Asian and never had any racist comments made to me in school. And I grew up in an incredibly rural white location. I never had anyone in my school make a dodgy comment so by the time I was 10 and a boy in the village (different school) asked me if I was a “chink”, I said no…because I quite honestly didn’t even know what the word meant.

As an aside, if your daughter is ever upset by such comments, I’d laugh with her at the ignorance ie “duhhhh, karate is from Japan! Aren’t racists ignorant!”