Fecking sports day

[HippyKayYay]

DD is in yr 7 and I've just found out they still have sports day - in secondary. DD is unsporty, uncoordinated and uncompetitive. She hates it. I hated it. I still hate it. It's miserable for her. She tries her best and is very supportive of her mates. But it still makes her feel shit about herself and has done every year that she's had to do it. Despite all our positive reinforcement and conversations about taking part, blah di blah di blah... And I thought we were finally done with it (for her) when she left primary last year. But no...

She is active, gets movement and exercise in ways she enjoys, btw. So it's not about that. But it really hacks me off. No one is making kids do maths or art or science competitively and in public. So why is it ok to make them do this for sport?

Btw - I have a younger DC who is super sporty and fast. But they also hate sports day (finds it really stressful and gets very nervous).

Why do schools do this? Why is it ok to do this for sport but not other subjects? It's just bloody mean to unsporty/ uncoordinated kids...

That sounds fun! Even I would have probably not hated that at school. I'm really hoping they don't have to compete in every event (not least because the thing would last for days)... But she hated discus/ javelin/ shot put a lot when they practiced it a few weeks ago. Throwing is not her thing... Nor jumping (balance thing). Nor running... There is literally nothing on the schedule that is stuff she enjoys doing or is good at. Yet she will have to do it competitively.

But yes, I do hear you all on the fact that at least the throwing and jumping stuff tends to be tucked away a bit and less public than coming last in a running race

There was secondary sports day when I was at school and my dc. My non sporty one used to sign up for the jokey races like three legged or persuade a teacher to let her do scoring(she has asd so they usually let her do whatever she was comfortable with)

I was the same as your DD. I think I did one or two and then was off ‘sick’ for all other years.

simply this.

That's what we did in the sponsored run (which she did do in the end).

I guess the point of this thread isn't how to handle this situation for DD (I'm happy with the way we're doing that). It's on the mere existence of sports days when there aren't equivalent maths/ art/ etc days where kids are made to publically compete in something. That is the point.

I like the idea of voluntary sports days with others helping out/ cheering on/ gossiping. That I have no issue with at all. Let the sporty/ competitive ones have their day! But don't make everyone participate.

no jokey races, unfortunately

Everyone had to take part in our schools up to 16
Ours had javelin and shotput ( spelling? ) and things like the long jump. It isn’t outing either as you’re not all doing it together.

Can your dc do those
If the school don’t do those in the long run why not suggest it.

see my umpteen previous responses to this!

They do. She dislikes them just as much as running and is just as not good at them. But point taken (made by others) that at least they're less visible and I'm sure these will be the things she chooses (if they get to choose) as the lesser of evils...

I'm not sure I agree that there are not equivalent maths/art/ etc days. School lessons are all very public - teachers call on students, students work in groups, students swap tests to be marked sometimes, classes are divided up into sets according to ability, children take "higher" or "lower" versions of GCSEs. A class of kids gets to know very quickly their peers' strengths and weaknesses. As long as there is a positive and supportive environment I think this is fine.

I also agree with a PP that in fact most of school is about academic performance, and that it is nice to give kids who are not academic a time to shine in other areas including sports. Put it this way - I think school is harder for the kids who love sports day but struggle in lessons, than for those who enjoy their lessons and struggle on sports day.

To the OP I totally get your protectiveness but is it possible that by referring to it all as "soul-destroying" etc you are buying into a bit of catastrophising?

No one is making kids do maths or art or science competitively and in public

They kind of are though. Every day in secondary school, through tests, questioning in class etc it is blatantly obvious who is good and bad at all the school subjects. Lots of lessons involve competitive activities, because they are motivating and kids generally like them. I wasn't a sporty person at school either, but I don't really see why the sporty kids shouldn't have the opportunity to shine once a year, when the academic kids get to shine every day.

By 'soul destroying' I mean that it makes her feel bad about herself, physically. Which is anyway a bit of a thing for 12-year-old girls. Especially non-athletically-built ones (like my DD). And you tell me it's not when you have to watch DD get increasingly anxious about it, often resulting in not being able to get to sleep, etc. An over-reaction? Possibly. But she's 12 and autistic and adhd and gets very anxious and fixated on (negative) things. We're working on it, but it's not an easy 'fix' and it's not helped by things like this that exaccerbate her sense of being different or not good enough.

And I don't think that doing lessons day in and day out is the same as a big 'event', with other years and parents and teachers. Sure, if they call the whole of years 7, 8 & 9 into a maths lesson and then call on students to provide answers, then yes. But obvs that's not what happens.

I have no issue with the sporty ones getting to shine or sports day fundamentally, and neither does DD. She always celebrates her sporty friends' successes and is proud of them. It's the compulsory nature of it. That's genuinely my only issue.

I was really, really crap at athletics but we were made to participate at sports day all the way to the end of high school, in at least three events each. It’s fine, it didn’t scar me for life though I probably moaned about it at the time and I’m sure my parents told me to suck it up, it being the 80s and 90s. Someone has to come last, there will be other things she’s good at. I do think kids need to learn resilience which includes doing things that you don’t like without parents jumping to the rescue and encouraging them to find a way to get out of it. I don’t think the ‘public’ element makes any difference tbh, you can be sure everyone at school knows who is good at maths, spelling or whatever and also who is bottom of the class.

I was speaking to a friend about this at the weekend; we were at secondary school together and agree that sports day humiliation (and the associated bullying) had a profound and negative effect on our self esteem that has followed us into adulthood. We’re both very active now: he cycles to and from work every day, has run marathons and goes to the gym; I go horse riding twice a week, do Pilates/spin/weights at the gym and regularly hike 10-15 miles.
It so short-sighted for schools to do this, not to mention potentially ableist.
I’d be very interested to hear the rationale behind it!

And saying that regular maths (etc) lessons is equivalent to sports day just doesn't hold. Regular maths lessons are equivalent to weekly PE and Games, in which DD struggles, but gets on with it - so all her classmates and PE teachers are fully aware that she's not sporty in the same way that her classmates and maths teachers are aware of the ones who aren't mathsy. I'm not saying kids shouldn't be made to do/ learn things they're not good at. I'm not trying to get her out of weekly PE or Games. I just don't think they shoudl be made to compete at it, in public.

It's a fun day off timetable. Compete or cheer. No drama needed.

My DD's sports day is at a running track a 50 minute walk away from school with the expectation that the students will get themselves there and back. They also don't the choice in which event they take part in.

When I was secondary it was at school and optional which is how it should be.

I guess I feel that the answer to making girls feel good about themselves is not allowing them to withdraw themselves from sports events (even if public). Girls' participation in sport is lower than boys anyway. The idea that sports day is only for people who are 'good' at sport is also problematic. I feel the school should be able to put together a sports day in a positive way and combat any bullying relating to it (which is obviously horrendous) although whether they actually do so is a different question.

I let mine have the day off every year! They hate it and don't want to do it! I see no point in making them go. They have good attendance rates and are rarely off school.

My son's secondary still has sports' day. Everyone has to go along to support the other pupils in their house. Entering events is voluntary, but their team gets points for everyone who enters at least one event and every event entered gets extra points. It seemed like a good system. He's not at all sporty, but still felt able to contribute to the team by going in for the less popular events, and got a lot of support from classmates for being willing to have a go.

How would she feel about a dental appointment? Not lying she's ill. Just a well timed annual appointment.

If she won’t skive off for the day like I did back in the day, maybe you could let her go in as usual but at about 9.30am ring the school about a family emergency that means you’re going to have to come pick her up Ferris Bueller style.

Oh I get this op.
My middle one is awaiting assessment for autism and adhd. He is already so nervous and anxious for sports day. He doesn't want to stay home He wants to be like everyone else and do it. He also feels the teachers expect it of him. He also wants to be amazing at everything have everyone cheer him on and be really supportive of him. In reality it just doesnt work like that. Its a busy overstimulating day but he has an idea in his head of exactly how he wants it to go.
I would happily keep him home if he wanted that.

So all I can do is support him and gently try to help him make some wiggle room in his rigid expectations of it. It's really hard op i do kind of wish they would just stop it all together but I get for other kids it's different. Mine is still in primary so I'm keeping fingers crossed in his secondary it will be very very different.

I'm not making my daughter (Y4) go to sports day this year. It's sports day followed by prizegiving and last year for some reason it really eroded her confidence, even though she knows not everyone can win and all that good stuff. She doesn't need that kind of knock again so we're off for a day out.

No one is making kids do maths or art or science competitively and in public.

My kids secondary schools have forms based on kids academic levels, they organise or join Maths/ English/ Arts competitions, have regular award sessions for top grades, publish photos and rewards weekly of top scorers in their field...

So no, you don't see the kids sitting down at a table solving their Maths problems, but it's pretty public who is in the top league and who is failing miserably.

It's only competitive for the kids who care.

If your kids are not good in racing or similar sports, just encourage them to join another kind of sports -there are enough discipline for everybody to find something to shine in. If you are a top swimmer or shine in archery (or anything) you don't care if you come last in a school race.