Pregnancy announcement before brothers wedding

[Kittycat02]

I’ve just found out we are expecting, and have had an early scan (8weeks). My brother gets married in 2 weeks time, so I want to announce it now so that I don’t have to pretend to drink at the wedding. It’s only a small wedding with parents and siblings so I was going to announce it to the people who will be at the wedding as they are my close family and I know how excited they are going to be!
AIBU to announce it before his wedding or should I wait until afterwards?

That said if anyone announced their pregnancy before my wedding I’d have not cared… life goes on - the world doesn’t stop because someone is getting married!… but I know lots of brides do demand full attention on their wedding day… I had a friend who was REALLY angry that her sister had got pregnant before her wedding, she was about 8 months pregnant at the wedding and my friend hated that her sister would be pregnant in all the photos and not only would be people be asking about it on the day, but forever more when they look at her wedding pics! She honestly felt her sister should’ve delayed trying for a baby till after her wedding…. Some people are truest shocking 🤣
I’d maybe visit your brother and his wife to be. Tell them your news and ask their opinion on when is best to announce it.

Yep this exactly. The day was spent talking about the new baby etc. The woman getting married was the only girl in the family and the youngest. Just felt a bit of a shame for her after all her planning. They could've waited 3 days.

I just don't recognise this behaviour at all. Neither the idea that because someone is pregnant it dominates the conversation in any way, or that any significant time at a wedding is spent discussing the bride rather than generally catching up with people any enjoying it.

I've been pregnant at weddings. Didn't bring the subject up but if someone asked why I wasn't drinking (which they did) I gave my straightforward "I'm pregnant but it's early days so anything could happen" answer and that was the end of it. Also been at a wedding where someone else was 10 weeks and enough people noticed that she ended up doing the same. People spent as much time talking about their jobs and house moves and holidays as the pregnancies and, shock horror, the wedding itself.

Ugh

Nobody spends the whole day of someone’s wedding talking about the bride and groom (or discussing a recently announced pregnancy). They also discuss their own house moves, upcoming holidays and what they are watching on Netflix. That must be very upsetting for some on here!

They even discuss other weddings! That probably ought to be illegal according to some

In my experience, people in weddings are having general catch ups with a lot of people and chatting about everything and anything personal. Very little about the actual wedding or couple outside the toasts and speeches.

Do not do this, it is not fair to your brother and bride and at 8 weeks or10 at the time, you have plenty of time for the family spotlight to shine on you.
As for not drinking, there are lots of ways to get around that, recovering from stomach upset, taking medications, health programme etc etc.
Also from a purely practical point of view from a retired nurse/midwife I find it best to keep it to yourself until at least 12 weeks. Need I say more?

Why?

Even if the day was spent talking about the new baby (it won’t be) how would the bride and groom know? Are people going around guests at their wedding and policing what other people say? There was barely anyone I spent more than 3 minutes talking to at my wedding, apart from my husband, someone could have told others they were pregnant at my wedding and I’d have never known. The only thing I cared about was marrying my husband and that HIS attention was on me, no one else.
Some of you are really having weddings for all the wrong reasons.

Mention toothache and dentists appointments on the run up to the wedding then noone will be surprised that you're on abx

I simply cannot get my head around all this drama-making up stories like toothache and stomach upsets because…what? Lying because other family members can’t possibly have a tiny bit of attention given to someone else on their wedding day instead of 100% fawning? Weddings are for catching up with people you haven’t seen for ages-but you can’t have a conversation because you’re looking at the bride and groom? It’s just a small intimate wedding-like mine and I would’ve been excited and delighted if I heard good news-adds to a great day. But I’m definitely in the minority as people would ty themselves in knots making up stories even on the run up tothe wedding! What’s wrong with even saying you don’t fancy drinking alcohol? Many people I know don’t.

I also find it baffling. My own family would be both confused and a bit hurt that I had lied to them and pretended to be ill at my brother's wedding (which itself seems to be a bit attention seeking, tbh) rather than just tell them some nice, happy news when I had it.

@MrsJoanDanvers
I do agree with everything you have said if everyone in the family was normal, however, we all have relatives (or friends) who are dickheads / can't read the room / over-react / over-excited / drama llamas / make a fuss over the most mundane bits of information.

That's why people are advising OP to keep schtum until after the wedding.

I think most people will just say a quiet 'congratulations' to a pregnant woman but there is usually someone who gets overly invested, starts sharing all their birth / childcare stories........... when actually OP and the pregnancy obsessed guest should be celebrating with the bride & groom.

Jesus Christ that’s the most controlling narcissistic thing I’ve heard but each to their own

Couldn’t agree more 🙌🏻

think most people will just say a quiet 'congratulations' to a pregnant woman but there is usually someone who gets overly invested, starts sharing all their birth / childcare stories........... when actually OP and the pregnancy obsessed guest should be celebrating with the bride & groom.

You think that people should 'celebrate with the bride & groom' ALL DAY and so that if two people have an extended conversation about pregnancy it will ruin it?! Even if someone blahs on to OP about the pregnancy for an hour, you think that this will be the only hour of the day when the conversation isn't entirely about the bride and groom?

At every wedding I have been to, the extent to which people talk about the wedding while they're at it are:
'Isn't her dress beautiful?'
'Ah, lovely to see them so happy'
'Christ, are they still having photos taken?'
And some comments about the food.

If people talked about nothing but the bride and groom most wedding receptions would be held in silence.

Also - and I say this as a parent who occasionally has to make sure I'm not talking too much about my little treasures myself - if you think people need a pregnant woman to be present to start monologuing about their own children/grandchildren then I'm not sure you've ever interacted with people? Some guests at the wedding will absolutely talk about their own children, whatever OP does.

Some of you are really having weddings for all the wrong reasons

so true. Maybe this should be a criterion in deciding whether or not to get married. If your wedding day would be ruined by hearing about a sibling’s pregnancy two weeks before, you are clearly not happy in your relationship and should not go through with it!

Yes, most discussion goes something like:
"Bob, haven't seen you for ages! How are you? How are the kids? Still working at x? Been up to anything lately?" And reverse. Repeat with next person.

Just say you have a UTI

Lots of posts already, but I was in a similar situation at my cousin’s wedding and I just carried around a drink and/or made a soft drink look like a g+t. My eagle eyed gran did notice I wasn’t drinking, but I brushed it off as wanting to stay sober as I had to watch my toddler (appreciate you may not have this convenient excuse). I did mention it quietly to my sister later on in the evening, as I was a bit sicky and quieter than usual. Sadly I did go on to lose that baby, so I am glad I didn’t say anything to more than one person - it’s horrible to have to tell lots of people if that is the outcome.

What if you heard about your sisters miscarriage the week/day before the wedding? Would you still expect everyone to be in high spirits or would everyone, including the bride and groom feel awful and guilty for celebrating while she is going through something so traumatic? It is only a small family wedding.

If OP was over 12 weeks and the risk is reduced then there is really no reason not to share the news to celebrate, but at 8 weeks, announcing her pregnancy purely to have a joint celebration with them on their day is very premature imo and as selfish as it sounds could have the potential to really ruin their day. She shouldn't have to hide it, or suffer in silence, but the fact that she has got to eight weeks without telling any of her family means that she isn't actually that bothered about them knowing about the pregnancy early, she just wants to be able to celebrate her happy news as they celebrate their day.

So the only feasible way of doing that is to tell her brother in the days before and perhaps announce later on in the day if they are okay with that, it would still be 10 weeks but imo it is the only way to ensure their day goes as intended.

Also this is all magnified by 100 if it's the FIRST grandchild / baby in the family for a generation

I would be devastated if anybody felt they had to hide their miscarriage from me because I was getting married. I am not that sort of person.