To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

After reading all your updates, OP, I'm of the mind your MOH has a controlling, jerk of a partner. And her behavior would have been different if he had not been there. When you cool down (and I think you have a right to your anger here) I'd check in on her and see if you can suss out how bad this guy is. She may need you more than ever if he's as bad as he's coming off IMO, but maybe she's like a frog in boiling water and can't see it.

I agree this is pretty possible.

Also please bear in mind the second friend really didn't have a duty to disclose. I don't she think was unforgivable either. However you can't defile a hotel bathroom/ anteroom. It was low rent behaviour and shouldn't have happened but I don't think just your friend was at fault here. You didn't need to know.

It all sounds very like something I went through with a girl who I thought I was very close to. She was the bride I was her chief bridesmaid. EVERYTHING I did, thinking I was doing the right things, she either didn't show up to or didn't cancel meaning I got phonecalls from very pissed off hairdressers, nail technicians etc. Her hen was a total disaster. Myself and the other girls organised a limo and it took her HALF AN HOUR to come out of the house, moaning to her mother that we must have something awful planned for her. On the day of the wedding, I was at her house on time and it was lashing with rain. She barely spoke to me but spent ages just staring out the window and when the photographs were ready, she told me I looked the same in every photograph.

It turns out she was deeply unhappy and not in love with the man she married, but as is typical of her, married him for his money as she CANNOT survive alone. Always has to have a man in her life. She began an affair with another man while on holiday with her husband, later divorced and married this man and moved away. She treats people terribly but somehow always seems to come up smelling of roses. But that's by the by.

Something was wrong. She wasn't happy. Maybe that's the case with your friend. Something else going on behind the scenes. Maybe she's insanely jealous if she isn't married herself. But reading your post just made me think of this awful experience. It went from bad to worse by the way. We had a planned holiday in place (long time ago) and she left me at the airport because 'she didn't know where her life was heading'. Translation 'she'd had a fight with her lover'. We are no longer friends. She is a selfish selfish cow.

Very possible and if so please do reach out to her. I'm just out of a horrendously abusive relationship and lost most of my friends as they were 'fed up talking about it'. :(

YANBU

She sounds awful, sorry to hear it. It's perfectly fine to say no silver.
I hope you have a wonderful honeymoon, it may be best to let her go as a friend.

It felt awkward on my wedding day having to repeatedly hunt for my MOH when she was needed for things. It was upsetting when other guests noticed how distant & absent she was,

”my husband was totally upset”

Don’t know about you…. But I certainly didn’t feel “awkward” on my wedding day, I wasn’t having to “repeatedly hunt” for anything or anyone, no thoughtful guest thought it kind to tell me they noticed how my MOH was distant, no “friend” thought telling me that the MOH had shagged in my bridal suite was a good idea and my new husband wasn’t, at any point “totally upset” about anything

So yes personally I do think it sounds a bit of a shit wedding for the OP! @CoffeeCantata

So sorry to hear this. That's shocking behaviour of anyone, let alone your MOH.
Sounds like jealousy..

I had some minor shenanigans at my wedding but not to this level. That was enough for me to reevaluate our friendship and move on.

Life is too short to waste precious moments with those who don't care. Personally I would let her know, you know, then walk away.

Regardless of all that it's still crazy to have sex in the bridal suite.

How did she end up as MOH? I’d go as far as saying she doesn’t seem to like you. Most of the things weren’t that bad but having sex in your suite and not talking to hubby are completely awful.

She behaved awfully and honestly I wouldn’t speak with her unless she came to you first . Is it possible her new guy is a bad influence on her ? She comes across as very jealous. The sex thing is honestly 100% rude as hell

I can’t believe all the people saying “so what if she wore the same shoes?” “You’re a bridezilla” - it’s not unreasonable in the slightest to want to wear different shoes. Usually brides pick special shoes for their special day (which they are completely entitled to do) so why would someone go out of their way to choose those exact shoes when the bride has told you you can literally pick any other shoe in the universe (apart from sparkly, which I again is completely reasonable when you have chosen a theme for your special day). She has done that deliberately.
But again, that’s just a small example of her behaviour.
My instinct (and I could be completely wrong) is that something has happened during either the hen do or something similar and she’s pissed off with you. Which I’m not saying is brides fault, or MOH - could be something petty, could be something huge to the MOH. But you know nothing about it and she hasn’t mentioned anything and would rather display petty behaviour to upset your day.

Doesn't sound like a great friend sadly, and you may never truly know what it is but; go on your honeymoon, have an amazing time and put it out your head as much as possible. She’s already tried to spoil parts of your day by acting like a sulking child, don’t let it ruin your honeymoon.

Congratulations by the way 💕

definitely this was my thought too, especially with the sex thing

Easy, you get key by saying you are preparing bridal suite surprises for the newly weds .

Exactly what I thought.

I’d talk to her. There’s no harm in sharing what upset you and hearing her side. She may feel under appreciated for the hen or something else, and if she can tell you that, you can then thank her. Likewise it sounds like you feel a little under-appreciated for all the things you did for her and if you can tell her, that gives her a chance to thank you. It sounds like there’s some communication breakdown and freezing her out will unlikely resolve that. Friends are worth a difficult conversation. Especially a best friend. Marriage is wonderful but I do think you still need your friends.

I agree. The more I read, the more I think that this new partner is coercive or controlling, which might explain why her behaviour changed before the wedding.
Keep an eye on her.

I think what most people forget this is going to
sound quite controversial but - weddings are about the bride and groom and not everyone actually enjoys them. Sounds like she went along with it but passively aggressively had jiggy but am sure she didn’t actually mean you to find out. She’s annoyed at you for some reason. You do sound quite bridezilla. I asked my maid of honour to wear a particular colour, she wore the opposite. I didn’t care I was just happy she was there. Try to find your sense of humour. She’s most probably not the friend you thought she was but then neither are you most possibly.

If the bride is paying, then she gets what she wants

What the f?
You think it is normal that adult woman gets payed to be dressed and dolled up in a certain way and she should shut up?
I picked my MOH bcs she was my best friend, not bcs she was willing to go through some kind of idiotic make over so "bride can have her special day".
Cannot imagine even suggesting that if I pay people should do what I say to the ones I love ffs.

Just imagine if a man suggests you should go out with him and he will pay you to dress and put make up and hair he likes.
The whole MN would be RUN 🚩

The OP was more than patient, and it was HER wedding, NOT the MOH's wedding. NO bride wants to be wearing exactly the same thing as their MOH or bridesmaids, so her minor rules on colours is nothing unusual or fussy!

Whether she was a bridezilla or not there is no excuse at all for having sex in the honeymoon suite.

OP please don’t continue the friendship. What she did is just plain wicked.

congrats though

I’m sorry your friend has done this. I think she’s behaved appallingly. Leaving your best mate of 20 years’ wedding early and being unavailable throughout the day is really disgraceful.

Funny how people are quick to comment on the shoes, she had sex in the bridal suit!
YANBU OP.

Enjoy your honeymoon and let her come to you.

Why did you have her as MOH? Was she different beforehand when you picked her?

I personally wouldn’t get past the sex in the honeymoon suite.

I think it’s disgusting. I wouldn’t continue the friendship.

Her behaviour is awful & to have sex in the bridal suite is completely trashy to say the least . I suspect that this is going to eat away at you so I would be upfront & just ask her what happened ?Unless this is the first time she has ever behaved badly with u , I’m wondering why u would even ask her to be your maid of honour in the first place ? She sounds jealous & ever so slightly unhinged .

She’s clearly having troubles in new relationship given all the bits you added later… the relationship with her children’s partner is obviously broken down so maybe it was too much for her to deal with, you being so blessed in happiness. I hope you’ll be kind to her as I’m sure there’s an explanation