To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

This 100%

Put her out of your mid and be happy going forward in your new married life.

Definitely DON"t contact her and if it was me I wouldn't ever contact her either.

However I understand if you may want further contact. If she does make contact maybe ignore the first couple of times and then speak to her if she persists.

I consider your friendship is finished, "friends" like this don't get a second chance IMHO.

The back story IS jealousy
> DON`T be peeved about this.
She IS complimenting you - her having sex in the bridal suite IS the BEST gift she could HAVE got you - you HAVE got to her, she IS like a cat caught in the head lights - this was probably NOT the BEST way to do it agreed, but you ARE the winner. This IS just your friend crying out for attention

Are you new to mumsnet? We only get one side in 100% of the posts!…. We comment on what OP has told us not make up what ‘could have’ happened!

Is it possible her partner is controlling/abusive? Have you noticed any red flags?

You sound v happy with your celebration, don’t let this knock that, or your friendship. Your MOH’s behaviour leading up to and on your wedding day may have nothing to do with you and you are noticing it as it’s such a contrast to how you’re feeling.

Brides tend to be spread v thinly at weddings, may be she tried to be available to wasn’t when you were.

I was wondering the same.

I was wondering the same.

I don’t think it’s such a big deal. Maybe she wants to have a wedding too but it’s clearly not personal to you and deciding to wear the same shoes as you is nothing I would think twice about

Have a great honeymoon!

if you are still reading, I think contact her. Sounds like possibly she's being weird because her partner is difficult, controlling or abusive; and you are being more upset than you naturally feel because your husband was upset.

try and put the men aside and have a talk between old friends, sort it out.

does sound like there was something going on with her but it could be anything, maybe she just got a cancer diagnosis. Ask her.

Dude, just ask her to talk to you.

Too straightforward
Something that most of us would do with our best friend of years who was our MOH

Some though…. Start a mumsnet thread to argue about it.

each to their own

As stated in my response above, I’m not excusing her behaviour, but looking for possible explanation to it. OP knows it is outrageous behaviour. You don’t need to be rude to me.

I agree, themartins.

I would give this woman one more chance but ONLY if she came to me with an apology and an explanation. I would not be contacting her first. I'd hear her out, but it had better be good.

pipthomson · Yesterday 22:22

Are you normally bossy and over managing
try to examine the part you have played in this scenario
if ammends are necessary you can always rise above it and offer to make peace
this is your resentment do you think anyone else is going to be losing sleep over it ..?
The wedding is over nobody has a flawless wedding
try to,focus on what the wedding means in trerms of your new lifetime commitment which is the purpose of the ceremony you can choose your own friends
what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

OMG! What a horrible, unnecessarily mean and unhelpful reply.

I hate that cliched line about 2what doesn't kill us...".🙄

Many people suffer horrible experiences which batter them into submission. These blows do not always make them stronger.Such a stupid, insensitive remark.

It's like a bridge that's crumbling - a load of people marching across it doesn't make it stronger.

So what, if she was?

You settle it like adults and not like (as a PP rightly points out) an animal marking its territory.

You’re going to hurt yourself with that reach.

She may well have been TTC, and the only possible location was the bridal suite, i suppose? 🙄

They have been friends for years. Something has changed and I’d bet money on it being the new boyfriend.

My first thought was that the behaviour on the day, and the choice of shoes, could be because of some low level controlling behaviour from the new partner. "You wear what you like, darling, don't let her tell her what to wear.." and as for the sex thing ("come on, it'll be fun, don't be so boring...) , and leaving early ("I'd love it if it was just you and me now, they won't even notice")
I've got professional understanding of how coercive control starts, which can begin just like this...isolating the woman from her friends by convincing her that she knows better, and lots of other subtle things until she really believes that she's better off without her friends and family.
Of course, I could be completely off the mark here, but my senses have picked something up.

You had a lovely day. Focus on that. Get over it and move on .

I think the fact it doesn’t sound at all like a lovely day, is precisely why the Op is focussing on this immediately after her wedding

I was thinking this too.

always hard to comment on MN as we only ever hear one side of the story.
The MOH behaviour wasn’t great if this is in fact what happened. I do think the fact that the OP posted about it after the wedding tells me she must have been bridezella in someways! The wedding is done and dusted.. go on honeymoon and forget the drama!

Well , someone who is worried that her MOH “ wore the same shoes as me” is being a teensy bit Bridezilla , don’t you think? OP clearly said she’s had an amazing day.

We comment on what OP has told us not make up what ‘could have’ happened!

are you new to mumsnet?

I would bet a LOT that the OP has been glued to her phone whilst away on her honeymoon checking out this thread for updates!
👋OP!!