To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Isn't all of Mumsnet??

Well if she was a worthy friend then she could have confided in the OP who as a good friend would have understood. Instead she chose to be awkward on her wedding day. No excuses for that.

jealousy

Could your MOH be TTC? I’m not excusing her behaviour, but maybe it could explain it slightly.
We spent a year ttc number 2 and I found it all consuming all I could think of and if I got that positive ovulation test honestly couldn’t have cared about much else .

When I got married for the first time in 2003 I chose a girl I was fairly close with to be my MoH. I didn’t have many friends and was very socially awkward so chose someone I thought was a good friend.
During the reception she was in the toilets telling anyone that would listen that she didn’t like me, we weren’t even really friends and she’d only agreed as she felt sorry for me.

i was devastated and twenty-two years later at 42 I still burn with shame.

But. She told me who she was and I listened. I was not the problem, I was not the person to be pitied, she was.

your MoH has shown her colours, id not speak to her again and be grateful that you now know exactly what sort of person she is.

this is very plausible...

This.

My take on this is that MOH didn't like being told not to wear silver shoes and decided to be childish from that point on.
I don't understand people calling the bride 'Bridezilla'. Nothing indicates that if we go by her post. It's not right to try and make people feel shit about themselves. Have a lovely honeymoon OP ❤️

She was super excited to be asked to be my MOH and seemed enthusiastic initially, planned the hen do & that went well but everything seemed to go really quiet after that.

Did anything happen on the hen, or in the planning of it, that could explain the distance since then? Not saying you were a bridezilla on it but anything that could have affected her feelings about the wedding generally.
So many stories on here involve hen do madness and bridesmaids trying to work out how to deal with the upcoming wedding because of whatever the madness was.

I dont think you've been picky over the shoes. My best friends and I wouldn't dream of wearing the same shoes as the bride. I think its just something that wouldn't even need to be said, so I personally understand your point on this.

It wouldn't surprise me that she's aware you have found out about her having sex in your bridal suite, given that she fessed up to your friend. She probably feels embarrassed, guilty and humiliated. Rightfully.

I would have a frank discussion with her about it, to give her the chance to openup and be honest. If she refuses to acknowledge your concerns or deflects at all, then you know the friendship is over. If she is honest, then you can decide whethee it's a friendship worth maintaining. Better to be sure rather than spend a lifetime wondering what on earth happened.

Best of luck

Everything you describe could be explained away with her TTC maybe, or having a serious issue/something serious on her mind, they might not have had sex as nobody actually saw it, but the only thing I can’t explain away is her not contacting you since the wedding.
Let’s play devil’s advocate and say that they are TTC. She didn’t talk to anyone because she was preoccupied (ok, a bit selfish as she was the MOH!) and she didn’t talk have sex because she is TTC (although why in the bridal suite?!)
The shoes, yes, annoying but maybe she thought that this was somehow ok.
But why would she not be in contact since the wedding? I assume your wedding wasn’t yesterday, and a few days elapsed, so it’d be kinda expected from her to get in touch and say ‘congratulations’ or ‘I hope you had an amazing wedding day!’ Something along those lines.
Her silence speaks volumes and the whole thing together is not ok.
It’s sad but I’d not get in touch with her and unless she offers up an explanation that you can find acceptable without reservations, I’d write off this friendshit!

Similar happened to me too, but bridesmaid not MOH. Initially excited but then small digs about dress choice, venue being too posh, makeup artist for me plus bridesmaids "over the top" my husband to be's finances and how "fortunate" we were (we are NOT wealthy by any stretch but did have help towards wedding). Didn't speak to me at all on my wedding day, left to go to bed early without telling me then huge fallout the week after, haven't spoken since. Very upsetting at the time but bloody glad to be well rid in hindsight. So sorry you're going through similar too, you'll look back and be glad they're not in your life any more 💐.

Quite shocked by some of the comments. Your MOH acted despicably and I can’t see any justifications. Bridezilla or not you do what you need to do on the day.

I would suggest that you enjoy your honeymoon and then confront her about the situation when you get back and then distance yourself from her.

If this behavoiur wasn't usual for her I'd ask her. In case there was a personal issue you don't know about e.g. her and her partner fell out and it was make up sex

I'm not saying it excuses it but if she was selfish and having a hardtime that's more forgivable than deliberately spiteful and nasty. But more context is needed to know if this is salvageable

She hated you being centre of attention so she snuck up to the bridal suite with her H to have sex, like a dog, lifting his leg to mark his scent.

Yes, we do need friends, but really, it's not a case of "a shit friend is better than no friend". If a "friend" of mine behaved like that on my wedding day that would be it, I would be ending the friendship. What is there to hear about her side of the story? She made choices, bad ones.

All these excuses - maybe it's her new boyfriend. Really?? It couldn't possibly be that she is just not a nice person, it always has to be a man's fault. In my many years on this earth I have met quite a few absolute bitches. However I live in the real world, not MN-land, where all women are saints who can do no wrong, and if they do it's "because of a man".

Forget her OP and enjoy your honeymoon and marriage. She's not worth a second though.

Are you normally bossy and over managing
try to examine the part you have played in this scenario
if ammends are necessary you can always rise above it and offer to make peace
this is your resentment do you think anyone else is going to be losing sleep over it ..?
The wedding is over nobody has a flawless wedding
try to,focus on what the wedding means in trerms of your new lifetime commitment which is the purpose of the ceremony you can choose your own friends
what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

Sorry, TTC is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour, nor to not caring about much else. I can't believe the weird responses on here.

Thank goodness I people I know are nothing like a large number of MN posters!

I’m really sorry but why do some women do this? It’s pure jealousy I think. I had a somewhat similar experience my maid of honour one week before the wedding decided her dress didn’t fit her and she didn’t want to do the role anymore, neither did she want to be in the bridal party. I just said that’s fine, did she want to change dresses? She said no! I asked her what was wrong and she said she thought I was making a mistake.
That she had a dream that my husband didn’t turn up. 😄 watching too many Eastenders I apologised to her and went ahead.
She came to the wedding as a guest wearing the same dress she said didn’t fit her and tried to join the line up on the day as a bridesmaid, her daughter was a bridesmaid. I said no because I had asked my sister to do it. She was miserable the whole wedding, she left early and I have never heard from her since. She was divorced and I was there for her throughout the journey all her birthdays and her wedding I planned and delivered fabulously. .

Similar thing happened to me as well with my MOH... only it was my sister! And to be honest, her behavior wasn't a surprise. We definitely didn't let it ruin our day and I'm glad you didn't either, OP.

Oh op ignore the twatty comments. People will create any narrative they want if it means being able to stick the boot in. I suspect because you’re happy and content it’s brought out the bitterness in some sad posters.

You sound thoughtful and kind to your MOH and anyone in their right mind would be upset about a best friend being noticeably distant on your special day. The sex thing is just fucking grim, even the contrary folk on here will struggle to defend that.

Enjoy your honeymoon and give her a wide berth for a while.

It sounds as if the new bloke has something to do with it.

Something similar happened to me OP (although without the sex bit). I ended the friendship immediately and didn’t even bother telling her. In my opinion people around you show their true faces when you are going through something very good or something very bad. If she can’t be happy with you and for you on the most important day of your life, sack her. Congratulations on your marriage, rest assured that you will look at the photos and carry on with being happy without even thinking about this shitty person.

I don’t know what gets into some people. My MOH got engaged in the middle of our wedding reception. Fortunately, she immediately was pounced on by other friends to not make it all about her, which was the attempt…we are no longer in contact

How well do you know her partner? Could he be the reason she's acting out of character? Controlling maybe? I assuming you wouldn't have asked her to be the maid of honour if this behaviour was a regular occurrence.