To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

@FromMissToMrs I hope you have a wonderful honeymoon. If your MOH isn't married I wonder whether that was the issue, particularly if her new partner is being a sick. Jealousy about you having this wonderful day whilst she's stuck with a twat, and also perhaps said twat being controlling and expecting her to pander to his needs rather than yours. Either way I'd forget about it until you're back, then speak to her face to face and ask her if she's OK- mention that someone raised concerns about how her partner spoke to her on your wedding day and see how she responds. If she laughs it all off I would ask her if she's certain there's nothing wrong. If she says all good again then I'd say OK then I feel I need to tell you how upset I was about how you behaved on our wedding day. And see how she responds to it. Maybe she's a good woman in a bad situation. Maybe she's just being selfish with a new partner who she cares about more than you even on your wedding day. Which of those situations it was would determine whether I distanced myself more permanently or tried to work through it together.

Im wondering if she had a thing for the groom and was jealous/angry he went through with the wedding?

There are some wild, wild fantasists on this thread.

Groom fancies MOH.

MOH fancies groom.

Bride is a monster of egotistical, narcissistic control, sitting frothing with rage on her honeymoon.

These soap-opera, Netflix-drama type scenarios say more about the pps than about OP's real situation and original question.

Of course her new husband, who presumably loves her very much and wanted her to enjoy her day, would be concerned at the bad behaviour of her so-called- 'maid of honour' (doesn't seem to be much of a the 'maid' or the 'honour' aspect with her though). And doubly so if it was upsetting his bride.

But go ahead and make up crazy fantasies - it's a free country!

Maybe because he loves his bride and doesn't like seeing her upset? 🙄

If you're paying for them, you can wear whichever shoes you want. She's hardly going to be mistaken for the bride just because of the shoes. Bride should have paid for the shoes actually even if MoH said it wasn't necessary.

It's definitely subtle undermining imho.

This - I cut off all my friends in a similar situation. It’s frighten how easy it is for them to isolate you. If he’s controlling, he may have got a kick out of getting her to sleep with him in your room as well (They’ll never know. And you love me, don’t you? You said you’d do anything for me? Well, this is what I want). The leaving early, and being so preoccupied with pleasing them that you appear distant towards others because missing a cue from them leads to a complete withdrawal of affection and a massive side helping of emotional blackmail. You’d do anything to avoid that. It all screams the new partner to me. Orrrrr…I’m transferring my own experience onto this and something else is going on entirely!

Just…maybe reach out when you’re back and try to get to the bottom of it. Just in case. It’s lonely in that place and hard to get out of by yourself.

I actually don't think a controlling boyfriend is an excuse for behaving badly at a 20 year friends wedding, where you have agreed to be MOH.

Is there not one single day that a woman can think of herself first, even her wedding day.

So her new boyfriend is a controlling arse and her need to appease him has meant that she put him and herself ahead of her friend on her wedding day.

By being off, disinterested and unavailable, culminating in being heard shagging in the bridal suite.

She's the absolute dregs.

It's gross , but it might not be a 'fuck you friend' thing it might just be she ways does this kind of thing? Does she op?

I don't think your other friends should have passed that on they were pot stirring

Leaving weeeujf early.. I have done this one to a close friend as assumed she didn't notice as busy day etc so did a french exit .

My reason was that I was still heavily from an abortion, the one builders style portaloo t they hired wasn't really what I needed to be dealing with my pads in, and in lots of physical discomfort in the heat and emotional pain discussing lots of the guests pregnancies, and as I drank I felt I was going to cry any moment,

You never ever know what someone's going through so if you actually like them as a friend be kind, be grateful she organized you a lovely hen and get on with enjoying your honeymoon

But this is the case for literally every thread surely - you will only ever have the ops perspective to vote on and imo you take the thread at face value or what's the point- coming up with even less founded accusations against the op (eg that the op must be a brodezilla) is frankly daft.

I expect that you were not MOH on that occasion

had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun

really? Because you then outline a day that sounds, well, shit

So she wore shoes you told her nothing about
What do you mean?
Here's what the OP said: 'asked for her shoes to be in cream, off white or ivory but in any style she wanted, just explained with the English country vibe we were going for I didn't think sparkly silver would work.'

I ment "nothing a sane person would accept".
Why the fuck would anyone buy shoes to align with "English country vibe we were going for"?
I would never speak again to a person so shallow that she expects people to throw money on a vibe she wants for...shoes.
No one is looking at bloody shoes on photos.
Idiotic.

A bride has the right to ask her attendants to wear whatever she wants them to wear - it's HER wedding. If the attendants don't like it then they shouldn't take on the job in the first place.

She just meant a pair of shoes in cream, ivory or off-white, in any style the MoH wanted. I find it very hard to see what's insane about that. She even offered to pay for the shoes, but the MoH refused the offer.
I don't see why it's such a big surprise or affront to you that a bride might ask members of her wedding party to look a particular way. I am not at all into overblown status weddings or obsessive bridezilla behaviour, but I think this is pretty reasonable.
The tone of your post is pretty aggressive and overly dramatic, I have to say. You seem very angry about a pair of shoes.

Have we read the same OP??

That doesn't come over to me at all. The only downer on what seems to have been a great day was the miserable cow of a MOH. This 'friend' seems to have failed completely in her role and, not only that, but behaved in a totally inappropriate way during the celebrations too.

Yes - I agree with pps that there's more to this, but not in the sense that OP is to blame. The MOH clearly had other things going on (in her head, or due to her boyfriend - we'll never know) but she should have prioritised her friend and her duties on that day. I'm not surprised OP is upset.

Oh fgs! It's NOT about the shoes! Forget the shoes - OP only mentioned them as a desperate attempt to think of something - anything - which might have been a source of annoyance to this weird woman. You know what it's like when someone behaves irrationally? You rack your brain to think of what on earth could have been the issue - it doesn't mean it WAS.

It's about a so-called best friend behaving horribly on someone's wedding day and letting the bride down on many levels.

I think we can all agree there is standard expectation across the board of what being a bridesmaid entails.

'We all wore our own dresses.' Well that is highly unusual.

The traditional white wedding.

Whether a person picks traditional wedding or not there are certain responsibilities that come with being a bridesmaid regardless.

If the bride is paying, then she gets what she wants, and if they’re going for a theme, then so be it. Being a bridesmaid or a MOH isn’t compulsory. If you don’t like the thought of being dressed and made up to someone else’s specifications then refuse. What you don’t to is accept the role of MOH and then effectively abandon the bride on her big day. Simple. You clearly missed that OP offered to pay, and MOH said no. So OP outlined what was acceptable. The shoes are really not the important thing here - OP was just trying to come up with a reason why MOH behaved the way she did.

Exactly this. Happening on more and more threads, which inevitably turn nasty as more and more people jump on board with questioning the honesty of the OP and ‘reading between the lines’. If you’re not prepared to accept what the OP is saying at face value there’s no point in taking part in a thread - unless the intention is to derail it.

OP how old are you and your MOH.
I have a theory that over 35 you just shouldn’t have bridesmaids and maids of honour, stick with flower girls.

Under 35 , you can really get into the wedding details etc. Over 35 I think you lose that ability to put up with what you now perceive as ‘nonsense’