To feel sad after rejection from school Mum

[Cafeshops]

DS is finishing Year 1 in school, he is best friends with another little boy since reception. Despite efforts the boys mother has shown no interest in playdates etc, ive invited her to the park twice and also to a local child disco. Her responses are usually friendly but just stating she's busy.
That's all fine, I know people have busy lifes but ive noticed recently she's ignoring me at events and almost being rude. Ive passed her a few times on school drop off and she usually avoids eye contact, we were recently at a kids sports event our kids were attending and she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement. I did go over and say a quick hello, she was cordial but I wouldn't say friendly. Another school event she basically walked past me and sat with another group and I noticed she came over to a few people to chat briefly during the event but ignored me, despite me sitting not very far from others she spoke with. My DS is quite keen on this other boy and they would be close in school according to the teacher.
AIBU to feel sad about this? Im not sure what else I can do without coming across as full on as she clearly doesn't want even a friendly relationship with me despite seeming friendly with lots of other school mums from the class.

You have a Hyacinth Bouquet there in rhino skin :)

It's not about the adult being friends. It is about facilitating our kids socialising outside school. Sometimes we must make the effort for our kids sake and try and develop some social skills ourselves.

Yes cliquey behaviour does exist.

The playground takes lots of mums straight back to school and the ex-bullies reclaim their turf, or alternatively those with unresolved social issues see it as their “second chance” and try to 💪 flex.

You can spot the “ regressers” or “ second chancers” a mile off. They normally flatten others in their haste offer to organise the what’s app group, parent drinks, teachers gifts etc. They are the prime sculptors of some approximation of a “cool group/in-crowd “ 😎 of parents - which at that stage of life is a bit tragic. Don’t let these types bother you op: the issues are theirs and a bit cringe.

This. There's a weird assumption amongst some that women who just happen to live in the same area, choose the same primary school.and have children born in the same academic year will automatically be friends.

When friendships naturally occur between those women it's described as a 'clique'. It's not. It's just friendship.

I'm still fb friends with a few mums who added me in primary school. Our daughters are now at university. I'm still only fb friends with all of them and only ever was. Some of them have formed lifelong friendships and frequently holiday etc together. I never viewed it as a clique.

The problem is that some women think that they will make friends with their children's classmates' parents and there are plenty of lonely mum threads on here when people say, "Don't worry, you'll make friends when they start school." Not necessarily. I've always wanted to have 'me' things in common with my friends.

And whilst I was happy to meet up for coffee or arrange days out with a few parents, it was never with parents I got a vibe of 'wanting to be friends' from. Mainly because I'm not interested in playground politics and I've seen too many problems between adults when children fall out!

She's probably one of the mums I read about on here who bans play dates and sleepovers until their kids are 18!

I wouldn't stress about it OP - you don't have to be besties with your DC friends' parents. Friendly/acquaintance terms is fine. Your DC may well have friends in future whose parents that you won't get on with so much as well, or who just aren't your kind of people. And kids' friendships change too. It can be awkward if you become good friends with the parents and then the DC fall out!

I've been the invited mum. My DS was maybe year 4 I was working in quite a stressful job that at the time was dealing with the crypto water crisis in the North West. When I had the luxury of picking up my son because I wasn't at work one mum would jump on me for playdates I'd start to go the long way round to school and only go into the playground when the bell went even hid at points. I'd already tried to explain I was very busy, tired and barely had time to see my children then declined politely but it fell on deaf ears till in the end I accepted I only went because I was bombarded I really didn't want to be there , while I was always civil a friendship didn't develop - fast forward 10 years now if I didn't want to go somewhere or see someone I'd just keep saying no without hiding round corners, yes everyone should treat people with kindness and respect but it's my life if I don't want to be your friend then I don't want to be your friend what I have found not only from the playground but life generally is some people struggle to read social cues no matter how polite you are sometimes you just need to say no.

....and sometimes we don't have to. 🫣

Agreed.
That's not necessarily what's happening here though.

Why are you assuming this exactly?

Some of the responses on here are unhinged.

Hi OP YANBU for being sad that this friendship hasn’t worked out. But you just need to ignore her now. I think she feels chased by you.

this bit stood out for me “she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement. I did go over and say a quick hello,”

she walked ALL the way around the other side without saying hello to you…so you went over there?! Seems very odd behaviour on your part. You barely know this women so why did you make such an effort to go over there?

I wonder if you’re not picking up on social cues and she’s feeling a bit uncomfortable.

I think the school gate takes a lot of other mum’s back to their school times where they see everything as a rejection.

Sally and Naomi decide to go for a pint on a Friday- omg why didn’t they invite me as my daughter is in their class?? A group of mums who have known each other since a toddler group 8 years ago go camping with their children? That’s 20% of the year group- they needed to invite the whole class. Jenny had an awful day at work and was so happy to see her close friend Rachel at the school gate and have a vent. Lisa is upset as Jenny walked past her to get to her friend and didn’t invite her to join in on the personal conversation.

The problem is though that when it feels someone is 'aggressively' pursuing that, people try to protect themselves from it.

There could be any number of reasons why this woman doesn't want to be friendly with the OP. Including the fact that her child might not want to be friends with her child outside of school.

It's fine to try but, when someone clearly isn't interested for any reason, you need to back off.

In the nicest way are you more middle class and /or more educated than her? It could be insecurity on her part… I’ve had this once with a school mum.

Ignore her and get on with making other friends. Invite her kid but don’t think of friendship with the mother. At least you aren’t wasting time in a fake friendship.

I mean this kindly, but there's a useful maxim in these circumstances: never beg for friendship. Another important thing to remember is that just because your kids are friends, you don't have to be. Bearing these two things in mind will help you to take a step back and invest less in this.

There are so many threads on this site from women who feel spurned and upset that a certain mum or group of mums won't be their friend. Invariably leading to long screeds about "bitchy, cliquey school gate mums". Without wanting to sound unkind, 99% of this is in their heads and a result of people expecting too much from school friendships.

You have to reframe it. These people are not your friends. Some of them may become friends in time but there's no obligation to be your friend and that's OK. Mums are people in their own right: some work (hard), some have additional family commitments, some are ill or suffer from anxiety. Some just have their own friends and aren't looking to make a new set of ready made friends with their children's friends' parents. And that's OK.

You'll find life and school much easier if you stop looking for instant friendships through your kids. Let people be who they are, let them make friends with who they like and, as gently as possible, stop hassling them for friendship. I'm pretty sure you will make friends a lot more easily if you chill out a bit.

I think you need to just leave it..while the kids might be friends she doesn't want to be interacting with you and it seems like you are beginning to chase after her which is why she is trying to actively avoid you.
There could be many reasons why she doesn't want to interact with you, maybe your child says they are best friends with her child but her child finds your child intimidating. Also some children bring out the worst in each other. There is a girl in my daughter's class this happens with, whenever my daughter plays with her, trouble happens. Even in the classroom if they are paired together it ends in tears, so I try to tell my daughter to stay away from her wherever possible. This isn't saying my child is an angel, but it is just a bad pairing of personalities.
I also find play dates tedious, I know some suggests picking up the child from school to save the mum and make things easier but as I have multiple children this is no help as still have to do the school run then likely to have to collect the child from the playdate, plus you then feel like you have to return the favour so it is a lot of hassle. Then if you do it for one child you have to do it for the other.

She's probably one of the mums I read about on here who bans play dates and sleepovers until their kids are 18!

Based on the fact she doesn't want to be friends/friendly with one woman on the school playground who goes out of her way to track her down? And ignores quite obvious "I'm not interested" cues?

I think it's far more likely that she's happy to be friendly generally but for her own reasons just doesn't want to be friends with the OP. And that's fine.

I get it, OP, I’ve had similar. My son was very keen on another boy in primary. I invited him over, the dad said no as they didn’t really know us and don’t really do play dates. Found out later that they’d had loads of play dates with other people. Spent ages trying to work out why, was it that I was a single parent, was it my son etc etc. Some times you’ll just never know and have to live with the uncertainty and rejection (because it is rejection and it’s hard to explain to your DC).

I agree with this. My 2nd born is starting school in Sept and I am dreading it. I spent a lot of time cultivating a lovely group of mum friends with my elsest and I straight up cannot be bothered to do it again...

That said I do think she sounds rude, I would just sack her off and ask your DS about other friendships

'There's a weird assumption amongst some that women who just happen to live in the same area, choose the same primary school.and have children born in the same academic year will automatically be friends.'

No, there's this thing called helping your kids socialise. We don't have to be friends with the parents just smile be polite and show your kids what social skills are.

Maybe this boy doesn't want to be friends in which case the rude mum needs to just say actually Tarquin doesn't want to play outside of school thanks though.

@Someofyouwindmeup
Then when she eventually saw her arse she went around telling other mums my house was a mess 🤣
🤭

Or maybe OP needs to take no for an answer?

100% there's a Dad at our school gate that is incredibly rude. I'm not sure if it's just me or he's like that with everyone but how he's behaved with me - I absolutely judge him for it.

It was a joke, based on some of the rather unhinged things I've seen on here from parents who seem to see playdates and sleepovers as the devil. Chill.