To feel sad after rejection from school Mum

[Cafeshops]

DS is finishing Year 1 in school, he is best friends with another little boy since reception. Despite efforts the boys mother has shown no interest in playdates etc, ive invited her to the park twice and also to a local child disco. Her responses are usually friendly but just stating she's busy.
That's all fine, I know people have busy lifes but ive noticed recently she's ignoring me at events and almost being rude. Ive passed her a few times on school drop off and she usually avoids eye contact, we were recently at a kids sports event our kids were attending and she walked round behind the pitch to sit on the opposite side from me, no hello or acknowledgement. I did go over and say a quick hello, she was cordial but I wouldn't say friendly. Another school event she basically walked past me and sat with another group and I noticed she came over to a few people to chat briefly during the event but ignored me, despite me sitting not very far from others she spoke with. My DS is quite keen on this other boy and they would be close in school according to the teacher.
AIBU to feel sad about this? Im not sure what else I can do without coming across as full on as she clearly doesn't want even a friendly relationship with me despite seeming friendly with lots of other school mums from the class.

OP cliques do exist I'm afraid and they seem hellbent on their little ones being just as cliquey. There's a bunch of the girls in my dd's year (similar age) and a couple of the girls are really viscious to one of them in particular and that girl seems to be steering clear of the mean girls and often gravitates towards my dd and a couple of her friends. However when I've tried to instigate playdates or even just casual conversation her mum looks at me like I smell bad. Her poor dd is the one who's suffering because she's feeling like she has to play with frankly little bullies because her mum isn't supporting any alternative friendships. Nothing you can really do. No point creating drama. Just know that the kids will choose their own friends eventually whether their parents like it or not. Just keep your nose clean and see if there's anyone else he'd like to have playdates with. It's all you can do.

There was nothing to indicate it was a joke.
Is 'chill' a joke too, or just passive aggressive?

She's just not that into you.

@Gloriia

No, there's this thing called helping your kids socialise. We don't have to be friends with the parents just smile be polite and show your kids what social skills are.

But this mum is being polite and cordial as far as it goes. She's just not becoming the OP's friend. And she is not obliged to.

Mums have an obligation to teach their kids basic social etiquette, to give them helfpul support and advice in making friends and to facilitate their burgeoning social relationship where they can. It's not their job to do their kids' PR or to use other mums to support their kids' social networks.

Ultimately kids need to learn this from themselves and a mum who tries to engineer friendships with other mums to support her kids' friendships (and then flounces when the other mum doesn't want friendship back) isn't doing much to support that.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but the OP needs to learn to separate out her friendships from her son's.

Again, there's nothing to indicate that this is clique behaviour though.

Another mum I know, recently told me about how a different school mum had asked her for coffee. She said she felt a bit guilty about it but she has too much going on at work and trouble seeing her existing friends. It’s not necessarily about you. Some people just have a busy enough social circle.

There's nothing to indicate that there's any reason the other mum should decline either though.... The only times I would so persistently turn a playdate down would be if 1)my child said they didn't want the playdate or 2) Possibly if I felt that the friendship wasn't very wholesome. Otherwise I'm not going to gatekeep my kid's friendships and snub a perfectly good opportunity for friendship.

There's lots of reasons why she doesn't have to accept OPs continued requests, as already explained on this thread.

I doubt she feels rude. She may well have decided that avoidance is the best way of dealing with someone who is ignoring her boundaries. She might not feel confident enough to be blunt and say,"I don't want to be friends with you," and I'd imagine most people wouldn't in reality. Or the same about her son.

If she'd been the one to post describing what the OP has but from the receiving end and giving her reasons for it, people wouldn't be calling her rude and saying she should be friends. They'd be telling her to do exactly what she is doing and to make it really obvious that she's avoiding her to get the message across, that there's no harm in saying hello but she doesn't have to be friends with her and that the woman who wasn't taking the hint was rude.

Just because the OP doesn't like the situation doesn't make the other person automatically in the wrong.

And the OP might well find that, if she backs off a bit now, the whole thing settles down and she and the other mum end up talking at some point anyway.

And this parent might well be on mn at somepoint saying 'oh I'm ill and I've no one to do school drop off as I don't know any of the other parents what can I do shall I keep them off? waaah!'

Kids start school, you network a bit. No need to be bffs, you just get to know the other parents of your kids friends. It can work in everyone's favour not least your children who like to see their friends out of school. Think of them rather than your own social anxiety.

She’s a mumsnetter!

Sorry but this is pure paranoia. Small kids can be unkind to one another, for sure. But there's no evidence here that the parents are instigating this as part of some conspiracy.

This "bitchy, cliquey" stuff always comes from mums who are upset that they haven't been able to make friends with the other mums for one reason or another. The harsh reality is that that's how these things go sometimes. You can't force people to be friends with you: friendship is one of those random things which either is there or is not and no one is obliged to be your friend because your kids are at school together.

It's one thing to decide not to bother with them. But you do have an obligation to not pass this paranoid worldview onto your kids.

There seems to be a recurring theme a op has a set things the decide has to happen with other parenrs now their child is at school, if the other parents do not do what the op has decided the op and other poster's who have also had prior issues (or not) decided the mythical parents who have not go them memo that they are required to do certain things is totally in the wrong

I ask someome thry say no or are busy or whatever i move on i dont come up with cliques or think of them as meanies or treat them like we are all 14 we are all mature grown ups are we not?

Yes i bet she doesn't answer her door either and she'll be nc with mil obviously.

Or she might just be a perfectly normal person, with friends and support, who politely declined OPs offers until it got to the uncomfortable stage.
We probably accepted about half of the offers we got from parents and I didn't take offense if anyone didn't accept mine.

Maybe the woman isn't looking for a 'perfectly good opportunity for friendship'.

I've had two children go through two different primary schools and there is definitely a different vibe from parents who are looking to facilitate their children's friendships and those who are looking to make friendships.of their own.

There are also plenty of threads from women who read it wrong or gave someone a chance and later regretted it for one reason or another.

No agreed.

I think this is more like my post further above; I think this lady has a reason she isn’t keen and sometimes you have to accept that. It doesn’t mean op did anything wrong, just that she needs to read it.

The issue is that Op is chasing and not allowing the other Mum a choice in who she is friends with.

3 invitations and a big hint BUSY and Op is still asking what she can do to pursue the friendship ...

I had this in a social group
Women was very pushy,demanded my number and also I had a gut feeling about her

It was incessant, texting, gossiping about others and just boundary pushing and escalating to BF even though I barely knew her!

It's red flag in men who push yet as women we are all expected to #bekind and do things we don't want to.

One invite, it is actually an invite not a summons and then wait
Let it evolve naturally and you will find your people

You mean with her own mind and perfectly able to think for herself? And decide what she wants to do on her own?

To be honest I’d probably blank someone if they kept pestering me and wouldn’t take the hint.

Yes, exactly that.

I had this from a school mum once when my DS asked to have her son over. I tried to arrange a playdate at ours but despite my effort she didn’t seem to want it to happen. Reading between the lines I’ve got the impression she’s not keen on my DS.

Although she was perfectly pleasant to me when her DS came to my son’s party and wanted to a do a drop and go of course… anyway, I get it, rejection doesn’t feel nice but I would view this as her issue certainly not yours. Some people are not worth the energy x

Can’t your child be friends with her son without you trying to be friends with the mum?!

Yes I agree with this too.